another moment brought to you by ashley's selfishness
So my three best friends are going away to college. Separate colleges. One has left already, without even seeing me, without even setting up plans to do something before she left, even though I told her I missed her and wanted to spend time with her. But, you know, anyway, I can get over that. It's not that big of a deal.
But it's like...
my best friends are leaving me. I'm staying here, going to a community college. Sure, it's better than nothing. Yes, I still have underclassmen friends here (but they're all guys). Yes, I'm going to transfer as soon as I possibly can--and yes, to a college one of my friends will be at.
But I still feel so incredibly alone and so incredibly terrified that they... that they won't come back to me. That they won't remain my best friends. That this is goodbye. I suffer from separation anxiety--I don't need to be around someone 24-7, but when I know the OPTION of not being around someone 24-7 is completely gone I become petrified by my past demons: the ones that tell me I will never see them again, that even more friends are leaving me behind, that I will be forgotten, and worst of all, that I'm going to be replaced.
That is essentially the root of all my insecurities: that I am replaceable. That I am forgettable. That I am never going to be missed or longed for or important enough to remain with.
I don't want to lose people.. I hate letting go. I hate change when it means that someone--that I'm left behind. Why did this happen? Why couldn't I have just been accepted to UO? Why did I listen to my Dad? Why did I believe it would happen?
Why am I so unprepared for everything?
But it's like...
my best friends are leaving me. I'm staying here, going to a community college. Sure, it's better than nothing. Yes, I still have underclassmen friends here (but they're all guys). Yes, I'm going to transfer as soon as I possibly can--and yes, to a college one of my friends will be at.
But I still feel so incredibly alone and so incredibly terrified that they... that they won't come back to me. That they won't remain my best friends. That this is goodbye. I suffer from separation anxiety--I don't need to be around someone 24-7, but when I know the OPTION of not being around someone 24-7 is completely gone I become petrified by my past demons: the ones that tell me I will never see them again, that even more friends are leaving me behind, that I will be forgotten, and worst of all, that I'm going to be replaced.
That is essentially the root of all my insecurities: that I am replaceable. That I am forgettable. That I am never going to be missed or longed for or important enough to remain with.
I don't want to lose people.. I hate letting go. I hate change when it means that someone--that I'm left behind. Why did this happen? Why couldn't I have just been accepted to UO? Why did I listen to my Dad? Why did I believe it would happen?
Why am I so unprepared for everything?