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[ashirabe]

Am I just a magnet for sexual advances on the part of my male friends? Is there just something about me that screams Use me to have a good, sensual time because, don't worry, I'm not looking for any actual commitment or feelings to back up that hand you just placed there? Should I just feel blessed that I'm even getting this kind of attention at

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[ashirabe]

I haven't blamed myself with the first boy--he took advantage of my love for him on a regular basis, and though I know I could have been stronger in my sense of self in order to deny his advances, I was, plainly, weak to him. He had a power over me. First loves have a power over you that you can never really rationalize, nor defeat in moments of passion. (Just to assuage any worries: I am still a virgin--he did not take that, at least.)

But then this other friend--being one of whom I've confided in about the first, and being also a friend who's confided in me about a situation of his that was practically the same as my own--now starts making the same sort of empty comforts, the same caresses that don't really mean anything genuine. And it's just making me start to believe that I am a defective female. That my model is intended for "practice" in the matters of love. A sort of prototype for men to use and discard when they are ready for the new thing. It's a terrible thing to believe about myself, but it's honestly what I'm starting to take... a sick sort of comfort(?) in.

I mean, what else is there to comfort me? How else should I explain why it's only these sort of twisted, friends-with-benefit scenarios that come my way?

...And I don't expect you to give me the answer. I-- I'm sorry to even bother you with these thoughts. It's just that I'm so confused. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I don't understand what quality it is I'm lacking--the quality that will make a guy look at me and think, "She's the real deal. She deserves a real love."