Feeling alone
So, once again my mind wanders to a place, or more accurately a person, it shouldn't.
Where I don't want it to go. A person I do not want remembered.
It's been 30 years there about, and still there are times when my thoughts drift into this tempest of the past.
And
It hurts still.
It happens when I want someone to lean on.
Because I am the one who is leaned on. The support beam for those around me and I have no one to hold me up.
My support, my Cub, is gone.
I am lost once again.
It is sad that all I have ever had for support were pets. The only onesI could talk to. That I could rely on.
But, once, long long ago and far far away.
There was someone I thought he might be someone, some human that would fit that part.
The last person I ever trusted
Will ever trust
Like every time befor I was wrong.
Wrong to place any trust in another human.
When he decided to exit he tried to store me away. To keep me just close enough so that he could dust me off when he needed conforting.
So that he could use me.
Or
Maybe he just wanted to watch me suffer over and over again.
And
Despite me telling him to leave me alone he continued to try to insert himself into my life periodically for around 10 years.
To try to dust me off and use me when he wanted someone to comfort him.
I changed my email server twice.
Excite to Hotmail to yahoo
Changed my handle
Elf-kin to ashgael
Tried blocking him
He would contact me
I would bock that email
He would use a different email to contact me the next time.
I blocked
**@*.*
He made an account with a numeric username.
Finally
To get him to stop
I made him hate me.
I had to
Every time I saw an email from him my heart imploded.
The pain was right where I left it.
Just as bright, shiny and sharp as ever.
Now,
It is only when I want someone to talk to or something random triggers my mind to stab me that it is an issue.
Still
It sits in a box
Never dulled
Never tarnished
Polished and free of dust
The same as the day it was forged
30 years ago.