(no subject)
over break i realized something about my family and my life. my mother has given up on me as a person. she detests just about everything that i am. that i have become and want to become. even the things she doesnt know about she hates. it's a hard realization to come to. and when your friends families seem to like you more than your own, it hurts. she hasn't stopped supporting me financially but she has in all other ways. arnt mothers obligated to love their children no matter what? an i know that my mother is a bitch and her oppinion of me shouldn't matter but it's so ingrained in my thought processes to make her happy at any cost to me. i'm trying to live my life in a way that makes me happy, not her but it hurts to see that she can't see the that as a positive. she wants me to BE her but i cant. because i'm not her. i never will be her. and i have spent so long trying to make her happy and trying to be her that i'm just starting to figure out who i am, what i want to do with my life, and what i need from the world around me. and its taken a long time for me to get to this point. i can admit a lot of things about myself to the world and say fuck them when they can't accept them. my friends have become my family and i love them so much for being there and helping me grow as person and catching me when i fall off this tight-rope that is life and helping me put the pieces back together when something hits in just the right place and i shatter into pieces. my mother hates me for the reasons my friends love me. i'm loud, outspoken, a good bit nuts, silly, not particularly serious, messy, odd, eccentric, and things like that. what my mother wants is a docile, quiet, neat and organized, "normal", sane, hardworking, extraordinary student who is a drone. who has no life outside of school. she managed to make me fit that mold all my life. until now. that is not what i want to be. I want to be an artist. a sociological researcher. i want to touch people and help them the way people in my life have helped me. i want to live and be happy and create and expand and know and just be as i am, without the facade, without the acting and the lies that i tell to keep up appearances. and i'm getting to that point i think. i'm learning to accept who and what i am and what i am capable of. i can look in the mirror [most days] and not cringe. i can write and not delete the whole thing. i can breakdown and cry and not think that it makes me a weak person. i'm growing into myself and away from that which was. i am living and breathing and being.