You love me, but don't know me.
I feel strange. I got almost all A's, and I'm not satisfied. Last year, at the end of the year, I had a 2.0. I was thrilled. I felt satisfied. I work hard for my grades now, but not as much of hard work as I did at Da Vinci. I worked harder for lower grades but I felt great about it. I don't know what to do about this except keep getting brilliantly high grades. Crap. I feel like shit about it.
Someone's being defensive. And someone isn't taking responsibilty for his actions. And somebody else... is a pervert. I don't know. But at least I have my Vincent.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I had a dream last night but the more I try to remember it, the more it just slips through my fingers. I was somewhere, with someone. And my feelings are hurt.
I don't feel the care for the things that I used to care about. I only feel passion for children and loving and caring about them. And even now I don't feel that.
I got half of my probation hours done. Yay. Go me.
I think I might be able to get a car soon. I've got the grades, so I can start with driver's education. Then when a report card comes out, which will be first quarter report card, I can do drivers training. And then when I get another report card or get my hours done or something, THEN I can get a car. But I can't get the Chevelle on Cyprus. Even though that's really dumb because if I got into a car accident, my car would go straight through the other person's because my car would be made of metal. I don't know what kind of car I really want. But I guess it's not really about what I want, is it? Not really. Just what my dad wants to pay for. Maybe I'll ask Sasha how much she's selling her truck for, because that's got everything my daddy is requiring. Airbags and shit. Whatever.
I feel... numb? but hurt. tired but burning with... something.
Vincent's grammie is in the hospital and he's pretty upset. Which makes me pretty upset. So I just want to go out and just. Whatever.
I just wrote something I took out. I know there are some people that would be reading it and that wouldn't be so hot if they knew. They would jump to conclusions, as always.
I think I'm going to be the Cheshire Cat for Holloween.
My daddy can be very strick sometimes. I told him, on the weekend I was to go to Sonoma with my mom, that I got 120.5% in Environmental Science. He didn't sound so thrilled. Then I told him about my grades the other day but he still didn't sound happy. I worked hard, and I want someone to be fucking proud of me. Is that too hard to ask?
Apparently so. I feel like crying.
See, daddy? I went to Sonoma State and I still have good grades.
US Gov--A
Algebra 2--A
Concert Choir--A
Drama--A
Environmental Science--A.
The US Gov grade is going to go down though because I didn't do so hot on the test because I was burning with the fever I had and couldn't think or focus and I could barely understand. I hope I can do some extra credit though. Or I can re-do another essay so that I can get an A, not a B+.
Actually, it seems like that's all I've been doing. Writing essay after essay for US Gov and making SURE I can get that A. I want it. I deserve it. I keep writing things over and over just so I can get that grade. I'm obsessing. Fuck, Reno. Do you do this?
Sorry about last week Be-Bo. I had to write to essays and study. You wouldn't have wanted to be around me anyway, I was sick. Oh well. This week maybe? Let me know. I want to be around you again like it was when we were in class this Tuesday. I love harrassing you. JK. :)
I love my Vincent. He's my Vincent. And that is who he is.
I sigh, I breathe, I live. I can do this. But why can't I feel satisfied anymore? I feel shallow and hallow and cold. I feel empty of anything real. I feel like crying most of the time. And no, I don't want your physical comfort anymore. Don't touch me.
What can I do to make my life better or more satisfying?
I go to the gym.
I quit smoking.
I work hard in school to get A's.
I clean my room and do chores without being asked to.
I take care of my friends and I try to be there for them.
But I'm falling again, I think. I'm losing my happiness to depression.
Gah, where's Ms. Bruch when you need her?
Someone's being defensive. And someone isn't taking responsibilty for his actions. And somebody else... is a pervert. I don't know. But at least I have my Vincent.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I had a dream last night but the more I try to remember it, the more it just slips through my fingers. I was somewhere, with someone. And my feelings are hurt.
I don't feel the care for the things that I used to care about. I only feel passion for children and loving and caring about them. And even now I don't feel that.
I got half of my probation hours done. Yay. Go me.
I think I might be able to get a car soon. I've got the grades, so I can start with driver's education. Then when a report card comes out, which will be first quarter report card, I can do drivers training. And then when I get another report card or get my hours done or something, THEN I can get a car. But I can't get the Chevelle on Cyprus. Even though that's really dumb because if I got into a car accident, my car would go straight through the other person's because my car would be made of metal. I don't know what kind of car I really want. But I guess it's not really about what I want, is it? Not really. Just what my dad wants to pay for. Maybe I'll ask Sasha how much she's selling her truck for, because that's got everything my daddy is requiring. Airbags and shit. Whatever.
I feel... numb? but hurt. tired but burning with... something.
Vincent's grammie is in the hospital and he's pretty upset. Which makes me pretty upset. So I just want to go out and just. Whatever.
I just wrote something I took out. I know there are some people that would be reading it and that wouldn't be so hot if they knew. They would jump to conclusions, as always.
I think I'm going to be the Cheshire Cat for Holloween.
My daddy can be very strick sometimes. I told him, on the weekend I was to go to Sonoma with my mom, that I got 120.5% in Environmental Science. He didn't sound so thrilled. Then I told him about my grades the other day but he still didn't sound happy. I worked hard, and I want someone to be fucking proud of me. Is that too hard to ask?
Apparently so. I feel like crying.
See, daddy? I went to Sonoma State and I still have good grades.
US Gov--A
Algebra 2--A
Concert Choir--A
Drama--A
Environmental Science--A.
The US Gov grade is going to go down though because I didn't do so hot on the test because I was burning with the fever I had and couldn't think or focus and I could barely understand. I hope I can do some extra credit though. Or I can re-do another essay so that I can get an A, not a B+.
Actually, it seems like that's all I've been doing. Writing essay after essay for US Gov and making SURE I can get that A. I want it. I deserve it. I keep writing things over and over just so I can get that grade. I'm obsessing. Fuck, Reno. Do you do this?
Sorry about last week Be-Bo. I had to write to essays and study. You wouldn't have wanted to be around me anyway, I was sick. Oh well. This week maybe? Let me know. I want to be around you again like it was when we were in class this Tuesday. I love harrassing you. JK. :)
I love my Vincent. He's my Vincent. And that is who he is.
I sigh, I breathe, I live. I can do this. But why can't I feel satisfied anymore? I feel shallow and hallow and cold. I feel empty of anything real. I feel like crying most of the time. And no, I don't want your physical comfort anymore. Don't touch me.
What can I do to make my life better or more satisfying?
I go to the gym.
I quit smoking.
I work hard in school to get A's.
I clean my room and do chores without being asked to.
I take care of my friends and I try to be there for them.
But I'm falling again, I think. I'm losing my happiness to depression.
Gah, where's Ms. Bruch when you need her?