Well...
...this is clearly a new journal! Reading through my old one, I decided that I would very much like to distance myself from that if it is possible. I think that at the time, it served its purpose. It was a place to vent my frustrations, and weep and wail. But now, I think I need a place to write down my ideas, express them properly. Sure, I imagine there will be weeping and wailing in there, but I want to try and be more honest, even to myself.
I don't think I will invite too many people to add this journal. I think that it may end up too personal, and about what I'm really thinking.
Anyway, I'm sitting here right now with a hot water bottle propped against my spine for the pain. I've been getting more lately. It's frustrating to deal with, but it's probably aggravated by my excess weight. I should commit to working it off properly, but if I'm being honest, I'm too lazy and I hate being outside and exercising.
I went to a confrence yesterday, that was fairly fun, but I had a horrific headache and ended up leaving early, which wasn't so bad because I had to pay court fines anyway. I stil have another $125 to pay off that, but I'll manage. I also need to pay off a laybuy I got a notice about. And then the electricity bill, and I owe Matthew some money, but after that, I can relax a little, hopefully.
Speaking of Matthew. To be honest, I don't always know how I feel. I know I love him. I know I enjoy spending 'time' with him. I know I want to be with him. But sometimes, I'm scared too. Sometimes I miss Peter. I don't want to be back with him, and I'm glad I made the decision I did, but there are some things I do appreciate about him.
All I know now, is that I do have a goal in mind. Getting through the HSC. (I've managed to get halfway through year 11 without giving up, so I'm hopeful.) Getting a good UAI. Getting Matthew here. I don't know for sure, but I hope that it will work out soon. I can see myself marrying him. I think we share a common goal- comfort. I don't mean we want each other for comfort. I mean that we're both family oriented. We both want to be comfortable in ourselves, in each other, and in our family.
I'm going to stand up for myself more, too. Which is funny, seeing as I've finally admitted how submissive I am, naturally, and how much more comfortable and happy I am when I've found someone in my life who's comfortable with control. I still push limits, of course, but I need that structure, the limits.
Anyway. I think that's enough for today. Just a collection of random thoughts, whilst I'm pondering dinner and where to move to from here. It's funny though, that even when I'm sad some days, I'm content, too. I've come to accept disappointment and stress in my own way. Growing up, maybe?
I don't think I will invite too many people to add this journal. I think that it may end up too personal, and about what I'm really thinking.
Anyway, I'm sitting here right now with a hot water bottle propped against my spine for the pain. I've been getting more lately. It's frustrating to deal with, but it's probably aggravated by my excess weight. I should commit to working it off properly, but if I'm being honest, I'm too lazy and I hate being outside and exercising.
I went to a confrence yesterday, that was fairly fun, but I had a horrific headache and ended up leaving early, which wasn't so bad because I had to pay court fines anyway. I stil have another $125 to pay off that, but I'll manage. I also need to pay off a laybuy I got a notice about. And then the electricity bill, and I owe Matthew some money, but after that, I can relax a little, hopefully.
Speaking of Matthew. To be honest, I don't always know how I feel. I know I love him. I know I enjoy spending 'time' with him. I know I want to be with him. But sometimes, I'm scared too. Sometimes I miss Peter. I don't want to be back with him, and I'm glad I made the decision I did, but there are some things I do appreciate about him.
All I know now, is that I do have a goal in mind. Getting through the HSC. (I've managed to get halfway through year 11 without giving up, so I'm hopeful.) Getting a good UAI. Getting Matthew here. I don't know for sure, but I hope that it will work out soon. I can see myself marrying him. I think we share a common goal- comfort. I don't mean we want each other for comfort. I mean that we're both family oriented. We both want to be comfortable in ourselves, in each other, and in our family.
I'm going to stand up for myself more, too. Which is funny, seeing as I've finally admitted how submissive I am, naturally, and how much more comfortable and happy I am when I've found someone in my life who's comfortable with control. I still push limits, of course, but I need that structure, the limits.
Anyway. I think that's enough for today. Just a collection of random thoughts, whilst I'm pondering dinner and where to move to from here. It's funny though, that even when I'm sad some days, I'm content, too. I've come to accept disappointment and stress in my own way. Growing up, maybe?