I have experienced trauma...
trauma which can only be described thusly...
Imagine if you will, being in hell... one of the lowest pits. In this pit, at the very base, the floor for a want of a better term there is slimy sticky mud that sucks mercilessly at your feet. in this mud there are small creeping crawling crab like creatures that have razor sharp pincers. they nip at your feet tirelessly every time you touch the bottom of this particular cell in hell.
Then imagine that as far as you can see through the haze (which will be described later) there is nothing but liquid, cloudy and noctious. This liquid is week old tequila, wasted and left over from a hundred hellish parties, undrinkable and rank. It is poisonous and electrified by the electric eels swimming in it. Also swimming around in it are water snakes and anacondas covered in pustules that grope and squeeze and bite you in turn, injecting poison that only causes pain like you have never felt before, not killing you though... that would be too kind... just paining and biting and cracking your fragile bones.
Forging up to the viscous surface layer, there is an acidic bilious ooze, which burns your skin and as you thrash around in your agony, the two layers mix causing gouts of green flame to erupt and burn your skin, blackening and blistering you before you are dragged under again into the poisonous, writhing biting, squeezing depths...
From above, baseball sized chunks of ice pelt you, freezing your skin where they touch, bruising you and grazing you.
You thrash and swim trying to find dry land, after about two hours, you see the shore through the smoke filled cloud that constitutes the air that you drag into your poor burned lungs in your attempt not to drown in the putrid tequila and acidic bile. This "air has a purple glow and makes you itch and choke. Off in the distance you see a shore. You blink the puss and blood out of your bloated bruised eyes and thrash madly for dry land, gouts of green flame burning your abused skin and icicles hammering you with every pitiful stroke.
When you finally make it to shore, you heave yourself out and realize in an agonizing instant that the shore is not in fact land, but lemon wedges, salt crystals and razor blades!
You scream in agony and anger, and just when your poor mind can't take anymore a hand comes down from heaven and offers salvation... you look up into the eyes of your savior as he lifts you up by the arm, and see...
Dan Fucking Brown. He laughs maniacally and throws you into a vat of honey and fire ants... as the fire ants devour your flesh and your life is finally extinguished, you breathe a sigh of relief and thank the gods for fire ants.
This is a veritable gift in paradisaical proportions compared to the abomination that is Angels And Demons. I shall never get those two hours and fifteen minutes back...
I now feel dirty, excuse me while I go get drunk, have a ritualistic orgy and make candles from the fat of unbaptised children...
Imagine if you will, being in hell... one of the lowest pits. In this pit, at the very base, the floor for a want of a better term there is slimy sticky mud that sucks mercilessly at your feet. in this mud there are small creeping crawling crab like creatures that have razor sharp pincers. they nip at your feet tirelessly every time you touch the bottom of this particular cell in hell.
Then imagine that as far as you can see through the haze (which will be described later) there is nothing but liquid, cloudy and noctious. This liquid is week old tequila, wasted and left over from a hundred hellish parties, undrinkable and rank. It is poisonous and electrified by the electric eels swimming in it. Also swimming around in it are water snakes and anacondas covered in pustules that grope and squeeze and bite you in turn, injecting poison that only causes pain like you have never felt before, not killing you though... that would be too kind... just paining and biting and cracking your fragile bones.
Forging up to the viscous surface layer, there is an acidic bilious ooze, which burns your skin and as you thrash around in your agony, the two layers mix causing gouts of green flame to erupt and burn your skin, blackening and blistering you before you are dragged under again into the poisonous, writhing biting, squeezing depths...
From above, baseball sized chunks of ice pelt you, freezing your skin where they touch, bruising you and grazing you.
You thrash and swim trying to find dry land, after about two hours, you see the shore through the smoke filled cloud that constitutes the air that you drag into your poor burned lungs in your attempt not to drown in the putrid tequila and acidic bile. This "air has a purple glow and makes you itch and choke. Off in the distance you see a shore. You blink the puss and blood out of your bloated bruised eyes and thrash madly for dry land, gouts of green flame burning your abused skin and icicles hammering you with every pitiful stroke.
When you finally make it to shore, you heave yourself out and realize in an agonizing instant that the shore is not in fact land, but lemon wedges, salt crystals and razor blades!
You scream in agony and anger, and just when your poor mind can't take anymore a hand comes down from heaven and offers salvation... you look up into the eyes of your savior as he lifts you up by the arm, and see...
Dan Fucking Brown. He laughs maniacally and throws you into a vat of honey and fire ants... as the fire ants devour your flesh and your life is finally extinguished, you breathe a sigh of relief and thank the gods for fire ants.
This is a veritable gift in paradisaical proportions compared to the abomination that is Angels And Demons. I shall never get those two hours and fifteen minutes back...
I now feel dirty, excuse me while I go get drunk, have a ritualistic orgy and make candles from the fat of unbaptised children...