(no subject)
when was the last time i really let myself go? in wriing...it just being free and typing and letting these thoughts be what they are...
sometimes i think i'm falling. can i whisper you my secret? i'm afraid. i'm so afraid. i open and you take me and break my heart. i'm closed and you dare not come near. and maybe that's what i once wanted, but now im realizing i'm reaching for something more....i'm reaching for a sunset that's fadng quickly. i fear saying i'm not okay...because everyone then gives sympathy. so i'm keeping a smile. and i'm trying my hardest. and really, i AM happy...but when those moments passs...and i'm left with that empty, dreading, self hating feeling again...i don't know where to turn. i want to lock myself in my room and listen to sad songs and burn pink honey candle wax on my wrists again. let a blade do it's sin on my arms again. those escapes. my escapes. used to be. hate me for wating it...but i do. i do want it sometimes. and i remember the first time i ever tried. and how ever after that i was a fairy tale of non disappating pain and self torment. i was a bleeding, cold rose so so dead in my own closed off eyes.
and i want to blink these tears from my eyes...let them fall and fall to my checks. let someone cup my face in their hands and tell me i'm okay, even if i'm doing this...i'm still going to be okay.
but i haven't found you yet...you who is supposed to tell me that.
i haven't found so much...
and i'm alright and i will smile and yes, it'll be true, but i still have these feelings here and i want to let them go. i want to move on. i want my life in colors and i cannot find it in me to promise that yet...
sometimes i think i'm falling. can i whisper you my secret? i'm afraid. i'm so afraid. i open and you take me and break my heart. i'm closed and you dare not come near. and maybe that's what i once wanted, but now im realizing i'm reaching for something more....i'm reaching for a sunset that's fadng quickly. i fear saying i'm not okay...because everyone then gives sympathy. so i'm keeping a smile. and i'm trying my hardest. and really, i AM happy...but when those moments passs...and i'm left with that empty, dreading, self hating feeling again...i don't know where to turn. i want to lock myself in my room and listen to sad songs and burn pink honey candle wax on my wrists again. let a blade do it's sin on my arms again. those escapes. my escapes. used to be. hate me for wating it...but i do. i do want it sometimes. and i remember the first time i ever tried. and how ever after that i was a fairy tale of non disappating pain and self torment. i was a bleeding, cold rose so so dead in my own closed off eyes.
and i want to blink these tears from my eyes...let them fall and fall to my checks. let someone cup my face in their hands and tell me i'm okay, even if i'm doing this...i'm still going to be okay.
but i haven't found you yet...you who is supposed to tell me that.
i haven't found so much...
and i'm alright and i will smile and yes, it'll be true, but i still have these feelings here and i want to let them go. i want to move on. i want my life in colors and i cannot find it in me to promise that yet...