Why? Because I can.
So I saw Faustus the other day! And because you're no doubt panting for it...
Sam's SYNOPSIS THEATER Presents...
The Merrye Comedie of the Evifceration of Dr Fauftuf
or
Be Careful... on JUDAS PRIEST Friday
(HOUSELIGHTS DOWN)
TOM GOUGH: GIVE GENEROUSLY TO THE CONSERVATORY!
CONSERVATORY GRADS IN AUDIENCE: Bitch, I gave you two years of my life!
TOM GOUGH: DO NOT USE CELL PHONES! I IMPROPERLY USE THE WORD "YE".
LITERARY FAGS IN AUDIENCE: God, we're in hell already!
(We hear the sound of METAL. It is certainly HEAVY)
FAUSTUS: ACT 1
"Dog Si Ghuog Mot"
or
"Making Friends with the Devil, Upsetting Some Popes"
(LIGHTS UP on the GERMAN ACADEMY OF SCIENCES, circa 1300 or WHENEVER THE FUCK. Enter JOHN FAUSTUS, our HERO I GUESS.)
FAUSTUS: All of these sciences I have learned are piffle! Claptrap! Balderdash! Logic!?! It's only good for arguing and asserting one's superiority over women. Medicine? It's only good for treating illness! Which is sort of what it's for now that I think about it, and the Bible! Pah! What use is the Bible!
(A PAUSE)
FAUSTUS: Well, it is pretty heavy. I could just chuck it at someone - NAY, FAUSTUS! Look not to the Bible for answers! It has none to give! I tug my ponytail with dismay!
(He DOES SO)
FAUSTUS: Clearly, vile necromancy is the only answer!
(There is the SOUND of NIGHTWISH. Enter Good Angel, and Devil)
GOOD ANGEL: Don't do it, Faustus!
DEVIL: Totally do it, Faustus!
FAUSTUS: I totally will! WAGNER!
(Enter THE WORLD'S MOST ADORABLE TINY ROCKER CHICK WAGNER, SERVANT to FAUSTUS)
WAGNER: Yeah?
FAUSTUS: Send for those two evil hippie sorcerors who live on campus!
WAGNER: Who...?
FAUSTUS: Check the theater department.
WAGNER: ...'kay.
(Exit WAGNER)
FAUSTUS: I have a great feeling about this whole "devil magic" thing.
(Enter WAGNER, and two EVIL HIPPIE SORCERORS)
WAGNER: Your godless commies, sir.
EVIL HIPPIE SORCEROR (MAN): Faaaaaaaaaaaaustus! Sup, dude?
EVIL HIPPIE SORCEROR (WOMAN): cackles, incessantly.
FAUSTUS: I want to sell my soul! Hook a brother up with some evil sorceries!
EVIL HIPPIE SORCEROR (MAN): Sure dude. Let's get some chow.
FAUSTUS: Excellent! I tug my ponytail for accomplishment!
EVIL HIPPIE SORCEROR (WOMAN): cackles
(They EXIT)
(ENTER SOME DICKS)
SOME DICKS: Hey Wagner!? Where's your master!?
WAGNER: Having dinner. I don't know. Look, I need to scrub the hippie goat-crotch smell out of the drapes.
(THEY EXIT)
(ENTER FAUSTUS)
FAUSTUS: Wow! Dark sorcery is like, way easier than I thought. Alright, here it goes.
(SOUND of NIGHTWISH)
ANGEL: Still totally shouldn't do it, Faustus!
DEVIL: Still totally should, Faustus!
FAUSTUS: Still totally will, hackneyed anacrhonisms! I hate god! Jehova can bite me! And now, the invocation! YO, MEPHISTOPHELES!
(There is a SOUND of HEAVY METAL. All at once, LOW-RES JPEG OF A SWEDISH DEATH-METAL ALBUM COVER appears)
FAUSTUS: AHHH! This is most loathesome to my sight! Appear before me in a form less terrifying! Assume the aspect of a monk!
(WORLD'S SEXIEST MONK APPEARS)
Mephistopheles: 'Sup, Faustus.
FAUSTUS: Wow. What monastery do you come from?
MEPHISTOPHELES: The Holy Order of Shut The Hell Up and Tell Me What You Want.
FAUSTUS: I like your garter.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Seriously, drop it. My nethers have teeth. Thousands upon thousands of teeth.
FAUSTUS: Alright, so here's the deal. I want to sell my soul. In exchange, you get to be my slave for the next twenty years or so. Cool?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Let me check with my infernal lords and masters.
(Much HEAVY METAL immediately ENSUES. Enter JOAN JET LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR and THE REAL SLIM SHADY BEELZEBUB, LORD OF THE FLIES)
LUCIFER: to audience, headbanging AAAAHHHHHH!
BEELZEBUB: to audience, throwing horns AAAHHHHHH!
LUCIFER: to Beelzebub AAAAUUUUUUGHHHH!
BEELZEBUB: to Lucifer AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHH!!
LUCIFER AND BEELZEBUB: to Mephistopheles ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!
ROB ZOMBIE: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!
(They EXIT)
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yeah, they say it's cool.
FAUSTUS: ...they do?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yes. You'll get it once you know them. You know, during your endless tortured eternity in hell.
FAUSTUS: My what?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Never you mind, sweet Faustus. Here, give me your arm.
(She SLASHES IT OPEN)
FAUSTUS: AAAAAAAUUUUGH! That really stings!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Jeez, you're kind of a wuss. You might want to get used to pain, since you'll be experiencing a lot of it during your eons of unceasing agony at the hands of the infernal legions.
FAUSTUS: not even pretending to listen Do you have a band-aid?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Silence, Faustus! It is time to sign this contract...in blood!
(Takes INFERNAL CONTRACT from somewhere in her PRACTICALLY NON-EXISTENT CLOTHES)
FAUSTUS: Pretty sure you could have just pricked my finger rather than chopping my damned arm off but okay!
(He ATTEMPTS TO SIGN)
FAUSTUS: Hey, my blood is coagulating! As a doctor, I know that is something it does.
(A brief, meaningful PAUSE)
FAUSTUS: Perhaps I shouldn't do this! I tug my ponytail in turmoil!
(SOUND of NIGHTWISH)
ANGEL: You really shouldn't, Faustus!
DEVIL: All the cool scholars are doing it, Faustus!
FAUSTUS: Mephistopheles! Fetch me some flame so I can melt this chunky blood!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Here.
(She BURNS HIS ARM)
FAUSTUS: OW! GODDAMNIT!
MEPHISTOPHELES: You're about six billion years too late for that, sweetcheeks.
FAUSTUS: Good, my blood is all melty. And now...I have signed!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Excellent! Oh man, this is sweet. What now, master? Shall we topple the petty kingdoms of man, and destroy all that lives and loves for the glory of my master, Lucifer?
FAUSTUS: That sounds good too, but first I'm going to ask you some boring astronomy questions. First: I want to know if...
MEPHISTOPHELES: Goddamn scholars.
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(LIGHTS UP on a CHARMING PASTORAL SETTING. It is time for HILARIOUS PEASANT INTERLUDE #1)
(ENTER TINY ADORABLE WAGNER, looking EXTREMELY PENSIVE)
WAGNER: Man, stupid devil magic books. Does Faustus have any idea how hard it is to clean finger smudges off a malevolent living book bound in human skin by the devil herself?
BOOK: awkward chittering noises
WAGNER: Stop that! I just fed you like, an hour ago! Man! Fuck this noise!
(She DITCHES THE BOOK. It CHITTERS, MOURNFULLY)
(Enter ROBIN and DICK. Everyone in the AUDIENCE should immediately PREPARE FOR WACKY HIJINKS)
ROBIN: Hey! I think that's a book!
DICK: One o' them thinky things, I reckon. It has three eyes and a mouth of angry teeth, I reckon.
BOOK: gurgles
ROBIN: Aw, it likes me! I know, let's summon some demons. B...eee....belll...
(It is HILARIOUS that she is ILLITERATE, because she is a STUPID PEASANT)
ROBIN: Belcher! Burper!
KIT MARLOWE: I want everyone to know I totally didn't write this.
(ENTER TWO DEMONS.)
ROBIN: OH JEEZ!
DICK: OH JEEPERS!
(EXIT ROBIN and DICK, pursued by VASTY LEGIONS OF THE DAMNED)
(LIGHTS UP on the office of JOHN FAUSTUS. It is TIME TO GET BACK to the EXCITEMENT)
FAUSTUS: Really, fascinating! and that's how the planet works.
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yes. Yes it is. We've been at this for days. Can we go kill something, already?
FAUSTUS: Oh, fine. But wait! What ho! Perhaps I should repent my bargain!
(NIGHTWISH)
ANGEL: You should do that, Faustus!
DEVIL: Under the circumstances that is a pretty stupid idea, Faustus!
FAUSTUS: Perhaps I shall call on God!
(EVERYTHING goes to HELL in SEVERAL HANDBASKETS. The HEAVIEST METAL of ALL plays. Enter "JUST A GIRL" ERA GWEN STEFANI LUCIFER MORNINGSTAR and KEVIN FEDDERLINE BEELZEBUB, and a HORDE of CACKLING HOBGOBLINS in BONDAGE GEAR)
LUCIFER: to Faustus AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGH!
FAUSTUS: What? What is she saying?
MEPHISTOPHELES: She's really pissed!
FAUSTUS: Why?
MEPHISTOPHELES: Hold on. AAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!?!
LUCIFER: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
BEELZEBUB: aside YEEEAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH!!!!
MEPHISTOPHELES: She says if you don't knock it off with the "gee-oh-dee" word she's going to shove a spike up your rear and eat you like a popsicle. Also, she says you should watch this morality play.
FAUSTUS: How thrillingly current!
(Enter THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS)
PRIDE: Origin story! I'm so goddamn awesome!
ENVY: Origin story, but hers is better, the bitch!
GLUTTONY: mouth full O'rihin' stowy!
SLOTH: asleep
WRATH: EXTREMELY FURIOUS ORIGIN STORY!
COVETOUSNESS: I want your origin story, so bad!
LECHERY: Extremely erotic origin story!
FAUSTUS: Predictably she is my favorite! Truly, Hell is on the forefront of the entertainment industry!
(The AUDIENCE WAITS BREATHLESSLY for the INEVITABLE MASQUE)
(LIGHTS DOWN on HELLISH BONDAGE MORALITY DISCO. Prepare for HILARIOUS PEASANT INTERLUDE, #2)
ROBIN: Oi, Mephistopheles!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Kind of busy here, pricks!
DICK: Wow, she's purty. Like one of them...like one of them ewes.
MEPHISTOPHELES: You are a monkey and you are a dog! Begone!
ROBIN: Sweet!
DICK: Awesome!
MEPHISTOPHELES: aside Germans!
(LIGHTS DOWN)
(LIGHTS UP on the VATICAN. Prepare yourself for SOMETHING YOU WOULD FIND REALLY MEANINGFUL AND HILARIOUS, if you were a RHODES SCHOLAR of AUSTRIAN HISTORY. Enter FAUSTUS and MEPHISTOPHELES, looking MISCHIEVIOUS.)
FAUSTUS: Let's totally mess with the pope! Make me invisible!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Done! Man, the scale of your villainy has sort of trended downwards I gotta say. what happened to murdering the earth?
FAUSTUS: Soon, my sweet, soon. But first: I am going to wreck this dinner party!
(Enter THE BONDAGE POPE and AFRO SAMURAI.)
FAUSTUS: Man, I never knew the Pope dressed like a homosexual vampire warlord!
BONDAGE POPE: Man, we totally showed that other, stupid Pope!
AFRO SAMURAI: We sure did, foo'.
BONDAGE POPE: Guard monks! Bring him to me!
(ENTER TWO GUARD MONKS and THE RHINESTONE POPE)
RHINESTONE POPE: I allude to a super-important political situation you would totally understand if you lived 500 years ago!
BONDAGE POPE: Silence, fool!
(SPITS on RHINESTONE POPE. the THREE PEOPLE in the AUDIENCE WHO ARE INTO THAT KIND OF THING are now UNCOMFORTABLY AROUSED.)
BONDAGE POPE: Now, let us dine together!
AFRO SAMURAI: Sound coo, gee.
BONDAGE POPE: Oh, you wacky visigoths!
FAUSTUS: I TOTALLY BLOW YOUR MINDS!
BONDAGE POPE: Oh holy hell! Invisible germans!
AFRO SAMURAI: We out!
FAUSTUS: We have saved you for some reason, Rhinestone Pope!
RHINESTONE POPE: You can't spell "rhinestone" without "rhineland", baby!
BONDAGE POPE: Flee! Flee for your lives!
(THEY FLEE. THIS IS HILARIOUS.)
(LIGHTS DOWN ON FAUSTUS AND MEPHISTOPHELES LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF.)
FAUSTUS: This demonic covenant thing is the bees knees!
MEPHISTOPHELES: Yes, Faustus. Yes it is.
RHINESTONE POPE: Break it down now!
(DANCE PARTY ENSUES)
(END ACT 1)
ACT 2 STILL TO COME. Happy times, yes?