Aug 05, 2005 09:38
Lately, my mind has been itinerant and nomadic, and I finally realized that most of the time I tend to live my life with a bunch of contradictions that vary from emotions to actions. I am close to turning 18 and for some reason I feel like I have wasted so much time building relationships instead of building myself. I never gave time for me as much as I gave time to my relationship with the significant other and I’m sick of it. I want to be free for once, of every worry, of every feeling of envy, jealousy, bitterness, guilt, whatever it might be that a relationship causes. It is true that when you are with someone they give you happiness, and you enjoy your time with them, but all that happiness could also be shared with your friends, the people you ignore when you are in a relationship, the people you give less time to, and less attention. I lived my years of growing up depending on someone to be happy, confident, special and I have reached a point where I can no longer make the same mistake again, I want to grow up depending on myself, trusting myself, and estimating myself in the right measures.
When I started working recently I realized how much effort it takes to keep up with your responsibilities. This semester I knew that if I didn’t work, my parents wont be able to afford my college tuition which to me, as a foreigner is 3 times more than what a regular student pays, I mean come on, it’s a community college, and for 13 credits ONLY I have paid $ 2880, now that much money taken away from me made me realize that I am finally old enough to support myself and depend on myself, financially, and now I want to do it emotionally too because I am capable of accomplishing anything that I set my mind to, for god’s sake, I am almost 18, in my second year of college with A’s and B’s, graduated earlier than most students have, working in an office, soon to be a manager, now how many people can accomplish so much at such an age. When I start paying half of the rent of my parent’s house I know that I have definitely started to carry a heavy weight upon my shoulders, and that’s one of the reasons why I matured earlier than I should have, cause I lived my life being kicked out, shipped out, whatever the fuck it was, homeless, no school, you name it and ill tell you all about it … but I don’t sit everyday and tell people about what I’ve been through, but today I felt like I needed to sit down and write this journal just to feel like I have let all my anger out, to feel that my thoughts are clearer than what they seem to be in my head. I am just longing to feel that I have friends, not just a boyfriend, that I have “me” and not just “us”, that I am free and I can run as wild as I can get… that no one is watching me and limiting my steps and thoughts. It’s a part of growing up. Why can’t I give myself some time to be what I chose to be for once?