caution: bitter hag at the age of 20
"I don't know how long
regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light
of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing
into each other's ears-as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle-didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate."
Regret. I know we're not supposed to regret things. We're supposed to learn from them. Be grateful that we were given the chance to experience something and to feel something, anything, good or bad. Because that's life. But that doesn't make things different. As much as I try not to, I do regret. I regret ever letting myself feel so strongly in the first place. I regret looking back at the evidence that yes, I was REALLY happy once.I regret getting so emotionally caught up. I regret putting myself in the situation to hurt, and to be so hurt. Cuz yes, this is life. And I should be grateful that I can feel. I should appreciate every goddamn second of this life, because it's the only thing I'll ever have. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Bullshit. If you don't know how good things can really be, then you don't realize when they begin to suck. Or when you can't fix them. Or that things will never be that good again. You don't long for the past. You don't wish things could have been different, or had turned out differently. You don't sit around wondering what you did wrong. Or why you weren't worth the effort. Or why nothing you said seemed to matter. Or why regardless of everything you did, it wasn't enough. Why you no longer deserved the treatment you apparently did at one time. Why little things matter so goddamn much. Or how a change in location can mean a change of heart. Or how a simple 2 minute phone call can require so much effort when in the past, being away for five minutes was unbearable. People shouldn't be allowed to feel things so intensely that are so incredible just to have them taken away. It's cruel. I don't like it. Not one bit. This is never going to be ok. And I guess I still don't deserve a phone call. I don't know why I think I need these things for validation. But for some reason I don't think I'm anybody unless he does. And this is what happens when I don't have to study. I think I prefer orgo over emotional hell.
regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light
of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing
into each other's ears-as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle-didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate."
Regret. I know we're not supposed to regret things. We're supposed to learn from them. Be grateful that we were given the chance to experience something and to feel something, anything, good or bad. Because that's life. But that doesn't make things different. As much as I try not to, I do regret. I regret ever letting myself feel so strongly in the first place. I regret looking back at the evidence that yes, I was REALLY happy once.I regret getting so emotionally caught up. I regret putting myself in the situation to hurt, and to be so hurt. Cuz yes, this is life. And I should be grateful that I can feel. I should appreciate every goddamn second of this life, because it's the only thing I'll ever have. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Bullshit. If you don't know how good things can really be, then you don't realize when they begin to suck. Or when you can't fix them. Or that things will never be that good again. You don't long for the past. You don't wish things could have been different, or had turned out differently. You don't sit around wondering what you did wrong. Or why you weren't worth the effort. Or why nothing you said seemed to matter. Or why regardless of everything you did, it wasn't enough. Why you no longer deserved the treatment you apparently did at one time. Why little things matter so goddamn much. Or how a change in location can mean a change of heart. Or how a simple 2 minute phone call can require so much effort when in the past, being away for five minutes was unbearable. People shouldn't be allowed to feel things so intensely that are so incredible just to have them taken away. It's cruel. I don't like it. Not one bit. This is never going to be ok. And I guess I still don't deserve a phone call. I don't know why I think I need these things for validation. But for some reason I don't think I'm anybody unless he does. And this is what happens when I don't have to study. I think I prefer orgo over emotional hell.