Friday Jokes
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty quid" she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face.
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realise... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
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A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark. He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators. "Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?" Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England" The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"
HEALTH Q & A [AMERICAN STYLE]
Q: I'VE HEARD THAT CARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE CAN PROLONG LIFE - IS THIS TRUE?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: SHOULD I CUT DOWN ON MEAT AND EAT MORE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: SHOULD I REDUCE MY ALCOHOL INTAKE?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: HOW CAN I CALCULATE MY BODY/FAT RATIO?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE ADVANTAGES OF PARTICIPATING IN A REGULAR EXERCISE PROGRAM?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... good!
Q: AREN'T FRIED FOODS BAD FOR YOU?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: WILL SIT-UPS HELP PREVENT ME FROM GETTING A LITTLE SOFT AROUND THE MIDDLE?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: IS CHOCOLATE BAD FOR ME?
A: ARE YOU CRAZY? HELLO COCOA BEANS! ANOTHER VEGETABLE!!! IT'S THE BEST feel-good food around!
Q: IS SWIMMING GOOD FOR YOUR FIGURE?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: IS GETTING IN-SHAPE IMPORTANT FOR MY LIFESTYLE?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERTYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."