dusk.
so I'm sitting on my balcony with my laptop and some water. it wasn't hot today, which I shouted about earlier, but it's not quite cold yet, and it's comfortable and peaceful out here. I'm supposed to be revising/finishing my newsletter.
and I'm staring at my plants, which are hanging in there (some of them are not too happy with me, but they're still alive, which counts for...something) and I'm thinking about how much I love summer time, and how I wish it could stay light till 10 or 11 year round.
I love it.
and I'm trying really hard not to be a basket case. mostly because i don't have any reason to BE a basket case. I live a pretty good life. people believe in me and support me (financially) so that I can life fairly comfortably. I have fun, kind, considerate roommates. I have incredibly generous parents and kind and loving friends.
I am deeply loved by God.
but sometimes, and I'm just going to chalk it up to chemicals and genetics (and spare you the gritty family history)- I feel like I can't breathe. like it's all too much. as if forcing myself to go through my daily tasks- getting out of bed. paying the bills. answering my phone- is just. too. much.
and I can't explain it, and I've tried. it's not a God thing. it's not a doubt issue. it's not...I don't know what it is.
my doctor calls it 'anxiety'.
anywho,
there are days when it's overwhelming just to get through the day. just to THINK about passing the time. which is so confusing because I never cease to love life- there's so much to do, so many people to love. I love being.
I feel conflicted and I feel ridiculous.
life can be so good, and I wish I didn't feel like bursting into tears at any given moment. regardless, what I'm trying to say is-
tonight, I'm trying.
and I'm staring at my plants, which are hanging in there (some of them are not too happy with me, but they're still alive, which counts for...something) and I'm thinking about how much I love summer time, and how I wish it could stay light till 10 or 11 year round.
I love it.
and I'm trying really hard not to be a basket case. mostly because i don't have any reason to BE a basket case. I live a pretty good life. people believe in me and support me (financially) so that I can life fairly comfortably. I have fun, kind, considerate roommates. I have incredibly generous parents and kind and loving friends.
I am deeply loved by God.
but sometimes, and I'm just going to chalk it up to chemicals and genetics (and spare you the gritty family history)- I feel like I can't breathe. like it's all too much. as if forcing myself to go through my daily tasks- getting out of bed. paying the bills. answering my phone- is just. too. much.
and I can't explain it, and I've tried. it's not a God thing. it's not a doubt issue. it's not...I don't know what it is.
my doctor calls it 'anxiety'.
anywho,
there are days when it's overwhelming just to get through the day. just to THINK about passing the time. which is so confusing because I never cease to love life- there's so much to do, so many people to love. I love being.
I feel conflicted and I feel ridiculous.
life can be so good, and I wish I didn't feel like bursting into tears at any given moment. regardless, what I'm trying to say is-
tonight, I'm trying.