tell me the stars are made of tin, and that they're banging on the roof. please close your eyes.
well here's the truth. i hate to whine, but this is my journal, i suppose... and if it bothers you, then don't read. that should keep everyone satisfied.
There probably isn't a good way for me to express how I feel right now, without sounding irrational or out of line. I know everyone told me that "they didn't want to hear me complain," but i can't keep how i feel inside for fear that i'll get an "i told you so" in response. so you might have told me. so you're right. are you proud?
i feel so... insignificant? is that right? i'm not sure. it's the feeling you get when you're with a group of people, and you know that it wouldn't make any difference to them if you were there or not. they don't dislike you, but they don't value you... and sometimes you'd rather they hated you just for the knowledge that they feel anything towards you at all.
i spent my days at shiloh wishing i were invisible. wishing that everyone cared more about grade point averages than diana's singing voice. wishing that mr. devlin would come back, and that ben smith could scream "BISTEC!" in my spanish class... wishing that people still believed in God and not just FCA. wishing that someone would prove me wrong when i said i didn't matter. wishing that people were still valued for their character and not for their reputation. wishing that people still believed in "respecting their elders" and "working for what you want."
i left shiloh in disarray. i left not knowing whether or not i'd ever come back, but truly wishing that i wouldn't. i applied to providence. i withdrew my files from shiloh. i signed a realease form, and i went to ghp.
i might have killed myself this summer if i hadn't gone to ghp. i had already started cutting, and i didn't aim to stop. i confessed, and let go of the one boy i truly believe i have ever loved. rachel and i weren't on the best of terms. stephanie was suspended by her dreams of andy. daniel had taken me and left me just as fast. my parents were angry with me, i didn't see my brother more than three times a week... i disconnected. i took everyone and everything off like dirty clothes, and it didn't seem to matter what happened to me while i was gone. i could never come back. i wasn't sure if i would.
i thank my Lord Jesus every day for every single person at ghp this summer. i can't remember a time when people loved me so unconditionally before. i truly believe that God was showing me a tiny glimpse of what His love is like, and it saved me. i had someone to cry with, and someone to complain with, and someone to laugh with. someone i wanted and someone who wanted me. i had an ensemble. what a beautiful idea. a true intertwining of personalities and weaknesses... i couldn't have asked for more. by the end of the summer we had all leveled each other out. we were on the same page. i loved those people so much. i love those people so much.
i will never forget that last day. Lauren, standing in my room, sobbing her eyes out like she'd never survive. me telling her that it was going to be alright. my room was so empty but the sun was still shining, and for some reason that made me feel like things were always going to be fine. everyone i passed gave me a hug and said goodbye. there wasn't one person i walked by that i hadn't seen before, and who i didn't smile to, just for the sake of being happy. happiness is like that. when you're truly happy... there is no reason for anyone else to feel bad. there is no pleasure from other people's pain. there's only the desire to remain happy and lift everyone else up with you. sadness is stronger than happiness in the effect that it's always eaiser to pull someone down than up. you're just so happy that you don't want to risk the possibility of someone's sadness tugging down at you.
so what. i'm home. i go to providence... which is fine. but that's all it is. it's fine. i mean, the school, the environment its provided for me, is amazing. it's truly how a school should function. there's a focus on learning, and diversions only for fellowship and activity. even though some people shine, nobody is ever encouraged to look at anyone else but Jesus for leadership. Teachers are understanding. Cirriculum is not about AKS's or "county guidelines." I don't have a student number. I have a name. I couldn't have asked for a better place to go.
However, the problem now is me. it's only me. it's hard to make friends with people during their senior year. this is the year where everyone thinks back on their lives and their memories, and they go back and reconnect with each other because of their history. I have no history. these people don't know anything about me. they feel no bond or sentiment towards me.
i suppose everyone there believes that i live in two worlds. they assume just because i don't have friends at pca, it means i have friends from my old school. maybe i have something better to do. and that's what the shiloh people think too. they think i have pca things to do... "private school kids" to hang out with. the truth is, i'm not doing any of those things with anyone.
i have friends. this is true. this is not directed toward them. my true sadness is directed to those that i trusted. to those that promised me that they wouldn't leave.. but all i see now is them leaving. it's simple things. it's "groups." people form friends in groups. they have a normal sphere of people that they spend their time with. i've just been let out of my spheres. it's a hassle to plan anything with them, and they don't realize that i'm not there anymore. when they're leaving to do something, they call the usual people they know... and they just don't remember me anymore. i'm too far away. i'm not convenient. i'm not fresh in their minds. and then i sit at home, reading their online journals... realizing where everyone was when i called them and nobody picked up. at a movie. out to eat. silly me. they were out.
i struggle to stay in touch. i make an effort, but i don't know how to feel. i don't know if i should let go or hold on. if i'm wanted or regretted. if i'm worth it or not. it's self-esteem. it's your girlfriend. it's your ex girlfriend. it's your new best friend. it's the people you got close to over the summer. it's the new people that entered your life while i've been away. i don't fit with them.. therefore, I don't fit with you anymore. so where am I left? should i expect to be included... or should i take this as it comes, and realize that we all have to grow up sometimes. i'm growing up a little earlier than you are, and i'm telling you... it hurts a bit. it hurts to realize that your memory making days are done, and your reminiscing days are ending quickly... a day at a time. it won't be long before we're all seperated, and we don't speak anymore. but we don't speak now. and i'm still here. HELLO i'm still here. I didn't go to college. i don't have a new life. i'm in post-highschool pre-college purgatory, and i'm very much alone. i'm pulling through this by myself and i can't talk to you about it, because you wouldn't understand. so i type it in my livejournal, and assume that if anyone sees how long it is, and takes time to read it... they'll exit the box without understanding much, and assuming that i'm just "emo." and i can't muster up enough grace to appreciate that. i'm sorry.
There probably isn't a good way for me to express how I feel right now, without sounding irrational or out of line. I know everyone told me that "they didn't want to hear me complain," but i can't keep how i feel inside for fear that i'll get an "i told you so" in response. so you might have told me. so you're right. are you proud?
i feel so... insignificant? is that right? i'm not sure. it's the feeling you get when you're with a group of people, and you know that it wouldn't make any difference to them if you were there or not. they don't dislike you, but they don't value you... and sometimes you'd rather they hated you just for the knowledge that they feel anything towards you at all.
i spent my days at shiloh wishing i were invisible. wishing that everyone cared more about grade point averages than diana's singing voice. wishing that mr. devlin would come back, and that ben smith could scream "BISTEC!" in my spanish class... wishing that people still believed in God and not just FCA. wishing that someone would prove me wrong when i said i didn't matter. wishing that people were still valued for their character and not for their reputation. wishing that people still believed in "respecting their elders" and "working for what you want."
i left shiloh in disarray. i left not knowing whether or not i'd ever come back, but truly wishing that i wouldn't. i applied to providence. i withdrew my files from shiloh. i signed a realease form, and i went to ghp.
i might have killed myself this summer if i hadn't gone to ghp. i had already started cutting, and i didn't aim to stop. i confessed, and let go of the one boy i truly believe i have ever loved. rachel and i weren't on the best of terms. stephanie was suspended by her dreams of andy. daniel had taken me and left me just as fast. my parents were angry with me, i didn't see my brother more than three times a week... i disconnected. i took everyone and everything off like dirty clothes, and it didn't seem to matter what happened to me while i was gone. i could never come back. i wasn't sure if i would.
i thank my Lord Jesus every day for every single person at ghp this summer. i can't remember a time when people loved me so unconditionally before. i truly believe that God was showing me a tiny glimpse of what His love is like, and it saved me. i had someone to cry with, and someone to complain with, and someone to laugh with. someone i wanted and someone who wanted me. i had an ensemble. what a beautiful idea. a true intertwining of personalities and weaknesses... i couldn't have asked for more. by the end of the summer we had all leveled each other out. we were on the same page. i loved those people so much. i love those people so much.
i will never forget that last day. Lauren, standing in my room, sobbing her eyes out like she'd never survive. me telling her that it was going to be alright. my room was so empty but the sun was still shining, and for some reason that made me feel like things were always going to be fine. everyone i passed gave me a hug and said goodbye. there wasn't one person i walked by that i hadn't seen before, and who i didn't smile to, just for the sake of being happy. happiness is like that. when you're truly happy... there is no reason for anyone else to feel bad. there is no pleasure from other people's pain. there's only the desire to remain happy and lift everyone else up with you. sadness is stronger than happiness in the effect that it's always eaiser to pull someone down than up. you're just so happy that you don't want to risk the possibility of someone's sadness tugging down at you.
so what. i'm home. i go to providence... which is fine. but that's all it is. it's fine. i mean, the school, the environment its provided for me, is amazing. it's truly how a school should function. there's a focus on learning, and diversions only for fellowship and activity. even though some people shine, nobody is ever encouraged to look at anyone else but Jesus for leadership. Teachers are understanding. Cirriculum is not about AKS's or "county guidelines." I don't have a student number. I have a name. I couldn't have asked for a better place to go.
However, the problem now is me. it's only me. it's hard to make friends with people during their senior year. this is the year where everyone thinks back on their lives and their memories, and they go back and reconnect with each other because of their history. I have no history. these people don't know anything about me. they feel no bond or sentiment towards me.
i suppose everyone there believes that i live in two worlds. they assume just because i don't have friends at pca, it means i have friends from my old school. maybe i have something better to do. and that's what the shiloh people think too. they think i have pca things to do... "private school kids" to hang out with. the truth is, i'm not doing any of those things with anyone.
i have friends. this is true. this is not directed toward them. my true sadness is directed to those that i trusted. to those that promised me that they wouldn't leave.. but all i see now is them leaving. it's simple things. it's "groups." people form friends in groups. they have a normal sphere of people that they spend their time with. i've just been let out of my spheres. it's a hassle to plan anything with them, and they don't realize that i'm not there anymore. when they're leaving to do something, they call the usual people they know... and they just don't remember me anymore. i'm too far away. i'm not convenient. i'm not fresh in their minds. and then i sit at home, reading their online journals... realizing where everyone was when i called them and nobody picked up. at a movie. out to eat. silly me. they were out.
i struggle to stay in touch. i make an effort, but i don't know how to feel. i don't know if i should let go or hold on. if i'm wanted or regretted. if i'm worth it or not. it's self-esteem. it's your girlfriend. it's your ex girlfriend. it's your new best friend. it's the people you got close to over the summer. it's the new people that entered your life while i've been away. i don't fit with them.. therefore, I don't fit with you anymore. so where am I left? should i expect to be included... or should i take this as it comes, and realize that we all have to grow up sometimes. i'm growing up a little earlier than you are, and i'm telling you... it hurts a bit. it hurts to realize that your memory making days are done, and your reminiscing days are ending quickly... a day at a time. it won't be long before we're all seperated, and we don't speak anymore. but we don't speak now. and i'm still here. HELLO i'm still here. I didn't go to college. i don't have a new life. i'm in post-highschool pre-college purgatory, and i'm very much alone. i'm pulling through this by myself and i can't talk to you about it, because you wouldn't understand. so i type it in my livejournal, and assume that if anyone sees how long it is, and takes time to read it... they'll exit the box without understanding much, and assuming that i'm just "emo." and i can't muster up enough grace to appreciate that. i'm sorry.