(no subject)
I went to a fortune teller tonight. It was one I'd seen before, so I wasn't really expecing much, but she surprised me.
She could tell me about whats going on in my life right now, she knew a lot of stuff from the past, so if what she's told me about the future is as accurate, I should just hang myself now and save the bother.
She told me stuff I *know* I have to deal with, but I either don't want to, or don't know how. I need to perform some kind of cleansing ritual, need a clean slate. I think I might actually stop being a dick at my next hospital appointment, and tell them how I'm really feeling, rather than doing the whole smiley "things are good right now" routine. I've also had to start taking my medication again, after abandoning it for about the past 9 months. I'm just a little afraid of not being able to get through this by myself..
I feel like I'm a fraud. What has happened so desperately in my life to make me feel like this so constantly? There are people out there who deserve sympathy, who have real reasons to be sad or suicidal. Me? I've got a family, my health, a home, a car.. Yes I've lost people, but there are people who've suffered so much more. Why don't I appreciate what I've got? I'm just some spoilt little brat who wants what she can't have. I need a wake up call, I can't keep on living like this.
I need to move on from all the shit in the past, but I don't know how. I think to myself, right, yeah, get myself sorted, lose the weight, get a new face, get some confidence, make friends, have a social life, forge new relationships... and it all seems like right, I've got a plan, then when I try to make a start, I realise how astronomical it is, and I sink back into the pits of despair and lose all motivation, because it all just seems impossible. I have tried, God knows I have tried, I just feel stuck. So there only feels like one way out. it's in my head day and night, but in truth, I'm too ashamed to even try to kill myself.So what can I do? just plod along in this existance until someone does me the favour of forcing my car off the road.
I find it hard to believe that at any stage of my life I've been happy. but there were times I was blissfully happy. It just hurts so much to grow up and move on
She could tell me about whats going on in my life right now, she knew a lot of stuff from the past, so if what she's told me about the future is as accurate, I should just hang myself now and save the bother.
She told me stuff I *know* I have to deal with, but I either don't want to, or don't know how. I need to perform some kind of cleansing ritual, need a clean slate. I think I might actually stop being a dick at my next hospital appointment, and tell them how I'm really feeling, rather than doing the whole smiley "things are good right now" routine. I've also had to start taking my medication again, after abandoning it for about the past 9 months. I'm just a little afraid of not being able to get through this by myself..
I feel like I'm a fraud. What has happened so desperately in my life to make me feel like this so constantly? There are people out there who deserve sympathy, who have real reasons to be sad or suicidal. Me? I've got a family, my health, a home, a car.. Yes I've lost people, but there are people who've suffered so much more. Why don't I appreciate what I've got? I'm just some spoilt little brat who wants what she can't have. I need a wake up call, I can't keep on living like this.
I need to move on from all the shit in the past, but I don't know how. I think to myself, right, yeah, get myself sorted, lose the weight, get a new face, get some confidence, make friends, have a social life, forge new relationships... and it all seems like right, I've got a plan, then when I try to make a start, I realise how astronomical it is, and I sink back into the pits of despair and lose all motivation, because it all just seems impossible. I have tried, God knows I have tried, I just feel stuck. So there only feels like one way out. it's in my head day and night, but in truth, I'm too ashamed to even try to kill myself.So what can I do? just plod along in this existance until someone does me the favour of forcing my car off the road.
I find it hard to believe that at any stage of my life I've been happy. but there were times I was blissfully happy. It just hurts so much to grow up and move on