a year really
My God, it takes me so long to write an entry in this journal. Sad for you, I've been converted to Tumblr...though it doesn't mean this LJ isn't my old handy dandy journal of all time. Though, sort of pissed that GreatestJournal got deleted.
The day LJ deletes this journal will be a very, very sad day. I should print everything. Maybe one day...
(ps: ashleyqualls.tumblr.com in case you were wondering)
Boy oh boy...let me take a look at my last entry on here so I can get a feel for what I need to bring up and discuss.
HOLY shit, June 2009 - are you kidding me? That was my last entry? A fucking year ago? Wow, it's getting pretty sad huh? My breaks between entries. Maybe I will come back to you.
2009 was the worst year I had experienced thus far, let me post a Facebook post bringing in 2010 and then we can go from there...
***WARNING***
Okay, not really a warning, nothing scary is going to happen.
When I began writing this, my intention was to highlight some funny things over the past few years of life as we enter 2010. I had been meaning on making a "resolutions" blog for a while...here it is January 7th (remind me to put "Procrastination" at the top of that list). Instead, I was taken in another direction.
Ever since I was young I have and had felt myself as different, and growing into myself...well it just feels good.
I wanted to share funny memories of complaining about my mom and teachers, and hanging out with friends - but then as I began digging through my past, I stumbled on some more profound things (at least to me).
My teenage years in blogs:
First of all, thanks for finally arriving 2010.
It is strange to think this is the begging of my second decade here on earth. Such a short time, and only now do I see & recognize this.
2009 - Goodbye and good riddance! Well, that's how I felt at first. 2009 was rough - emotions, sickness, friends, family, love, death, loss, stress, anxiety, etc. It was hands down my LEAST favorite year so far, but that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary. I became very in tune with myself spiritually and mentally, meditating & discovering some amazing things this year that will always be remembered as 2009.
So although the year in general was not the very best, there are always good things to look back on.
The Bad:
I lost Nana.
Business struggling.
Sick all year, literally.
Stress & Anxiety overtook
Seen less friends & family
The Good:
We launched the new project
I finally became aware of myself and decided to take the journey of discovering myself more.
It seems the bad outweighs the good, but it doesn't mean the good is worth anything less to me. Anyways, the moral of my own story is that it's life - it's short, things change, things happen - both bad and good, and they should be embraced as well, just about anything else.
I stumbled into my journal and decided to share some things I wrote throughout the years...
2004: (Age 13 at the time)
March 9th, 2004 -
well today started out ok, went a little downhill, and just might be picking itself back up. well today we chose our classes for 9th grade. i took J.R.O.T.C for the whole year- along with many people - i wasnt going to but, since most of my friends are taking it- i guess i should try it...even though i doubt we'll get the same classes heh. i also took basic design for art, and junk- seems so interesting to me. i want to be able to draw artistically, and paint abstract and look at it and find it beautiful...i know im weird...i can look at black and white swirls and want to hang it on my wall, because you can see the simplicity wrapped within all of the brush strokes, and swirls...yeah- im definately strange...crazy, whatever the hell you want to call me...choose a career for me....writer, PHOTOGRAPHER (i <3 BLACK AND WHITE PICTURES *drools*) hmmm...something in business/creative director well i dont know...im not sure what i want to do with my life...i know its not important at this point in my life, but it seems so....whats the word...i dont know- but it seems so..."needed", and i dont know what im going to do- seems so pressured on us...maybe i just want to enjoy life, and see what comes up...just see...maybe someday ill get a lucky, easy break? doubt it...but you, on all odds, may never, never know...
i love photography and paints and stuff...maybe just maybe....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^^ Oh boy, how nuts...
August 2004 (Age 14)
"I've been selling stuff on Ebay lately, working on PHP, Forums, CGI, and other junk. That's what's going on in my life. I'm just relaxing now, since summer's almost over...it's about time I relax. Welp yeah, so that's what's been going on...indeed...well I guess it's not much lol...but at least I'm ok, and everyone else is ok... :)"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 15th 2005 (Age 14 still)
"So I've been thinking about school(s) lately.
I think life's going to change big this summer.
I'm excited.
And my party, :sigh:...I hope it's good :]
You know, my room still looks like messy and shitty.
Nice."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^Life did change big...
August 20th 2005 (15)
Excerpt:
"Life has definitely been crazy lately. While my sorry azz has been making some minimum money for not working at all, it's crazy; the feeling. It's scary and strange to think that August is over and yet I feel so lost. Not in literal terms, more of an emotional based feeling(s). I need some change. Maybe change my room colors, the style; etc. :sigh: I don't really know.
Last year at this time, life was 160% different, and I'm sure most everyone I know can agree. It's not that change of this past year that scares me (I lived through it...wooh)...it's the change that will happen this year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^Before I started writing this blog (literally as I was going along), I didn't realize how weird some of the stuff I said was, like how I felt a change - and it did happen. Strange...I was going to post funny stuff from being 13, 14, etc...but so far I'm stumbling on this stuff.
September 6th 2005 Excerpt: (15):
"Well, last year at this time I was writing in my journal. The lights on the tree next door; were so moving.
And all I have now is the song "let's not shit ourselves" by bright eyes.
that's far enough.
ugh; that's confusing.
i actually have clothes picked out for tomorrow (school is starting)
I'm a dork.
=)
PS: here's to another year.
a good one from what I feel :)"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 27th 2005: (15):
"School's been fast.
They should close it.
Like, everyone's sick.
Yuck.
I want to run a business soon."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oct 9th 2005 (15): Excerpt:
"But thinking of how all the past weeks have been going by faster and faster, I can only hope the same.
I know, I'll regret this in a few years."
^So so true!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oct 16th 2005 (15):
"Sometimes, passions override duties; concience.
It's sub-concience taking over, spilling the truth [behind EVERYTHING].
Diversity.
Happiness.
Love.
Heart.
Soul.
Smiles.
I see it everywhere, and as much as I think sometimes the world is going downhill...there are 6 billion others who have an opinion.
We've just got to stick together.
White, Black, Jewish, Chinese, Italian, Russian, Purple, Grey, Old, Young, Dead, Alive, Rich, Famous, Poor, Sick, Alone, Deceiving, Concerned, and everyone else; we've got to stick together.
We eventually mark ourselves down as numbers, when we are all so much more. When numbers become thoughts, thoughts must change. Simply said.
Live, love, smile, cry, but never hate."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 6th 2005 (15) I posted "got my check."...
March 6th 2006 (15 still) Excerpt:
"I just wanted to say.
I'm gonna make it.
No really; and you all better believe it. :]
ps; i turned down the offer to buy whateverlife.com for 1 mill.
i feel proud.
i love my webbeh.
im a nerd."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 11th 2006 (16) - "Wow, life is going by so fast. My first semester in college is almost over"...
In my new house...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nov 29th 2007 (17) (so true):
"Ingrid Michaelson's music.
& Jack Johnson.
Don't forget Death Cab for Cutie and Matt Costa.
This might be for my future self.
You know, how I surf through old music.
This music will one day be known to only this time in my life.
Weird isn't it.
Even more strange when you realize it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
March 2nd 2008 (17) Excerpt:
"Everything happens for a reason.
Pain can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.
I must always remember that."
^This was the first entry I stumbled upon when randomly digging through my past. It means a lot to me, especially since this past year.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 9th, 2008 (18) Excerpt:
"i would be so psyched.
life is troubling.
i need to focus my mind.
focus my path.
live for me, live for love, live for happiness, live for peace.
i need to recognize myself for my strengths and not just weaknesses."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later 2008 I got more into metaphysics, spiritual stuff, etc. I was totally into everything quantum physics too.
Here's a bit on defining "nothing" & tenth dimensions. You can skip it, just wanted to add it for the hell of it haha.
October 14th 2008 (18) Excerpt:
"I've never been able to admit the scientific answer...because there technically "isn't" one.
I believe that "nothing" is above explanation; the world's philosophies are so far behind in themselves, that "nothing" exceeds all thoughts, aspects, and definitions. There is always "something"; therefore never leaving empty 'space'. What if "nothing" is not space, but simply questioning the meaning of life as a whole? Is it a belief of some sort? Hope? Negative, I would only imagine.
"Is nothing a "true" matter or "false"?
"Nothing" is "importance"; paramount to any other beliefs, thoughts, actions; processes.
Quite possibly, maybe "nothing" can only mean "if and only if" anything?
Maybe "nothing" is a dream of emptiness which cannot even be imagined; therefore; never possible.
Nothing may be in fact, impossible; so what brings us to the thought?
"If you can think it, it is possible" ? Sound familiar?
So...nothing; what does it mean to you? When you think of "nothing"; you simply cannot black out?
Unless of course, you are in some sort of "tangent" universe; which of course is possible; but let's think of what you're "imagining" in your head.
If you can imagine ANYTHING at all, comparing to "nothing"; you are in fact; falsified. Rejected and wrong.
Thinking the color black? Black is in existence.
Plainly put; if you are thinking at all; it is then possible that "nothing" is....
"Nothing" is limit of our human exsistence.
No pun intended ;). No, seriously. Old post though- wrote it in 2006, but it still holds true to me. I've tried to rework my thoughts on it to no avail.
*PHEW* Okay, anyways! I really wanted to show you some sweet tenth dimensional videos I found. They might sound a little confusing at first but it's truly remarkable.
PART ONE
LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkxieS-6WuA
PART TWO
LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySBaYMESb8o
So what if there are other entities in other dimensions, we may not even realize exist. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Like? I do. Sorry for this terribly geeky/nerdy/philosophical post. No, not really sorry- I love this stuff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 29th 2009 (18) Excerpt:
(Weird, I was just saying how I got into this stuff, had no idea it was in the next entry)
"It's been so long, I don't know why I don't post in here often. This is a fantastic journal tool.
Anyways, just been working a lot. I haven't even posted since Nana passed away.
She passed on 3-16. It has been the hardest months ever, but I am pushing through it.
I'm very spiritual, so I have been in touch & I will continue to feel this way as time goes on.
I've been really into spiritual life, quantum physics & reality lately. It's my second hobby, aside from design."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...It's all so strange the way things lead up. I know this post is long and a lot of mixing together and ramblings - but it just means something, all of it - it has to. Crazy how I'll be 20 soon. Not really crazy, time here is so small.
Sort of a ramble, but sort of my way of embracing the new year.
My resolutions? Stop stressing so much. Stop worrying so much. Follow my heart, and stay creative.
Wow okay, so that was a ton of writing. So now it's mid 2010 already (I'm 20!). I'm still extremely sick. I have been sick now for almost two full years, in and out of hospitals - countless tests and yet I am still stuck in my house.
My creative self has gone and come and gone again, repeatedly it seems. I am working hard to bounce back, working so hard. I am sick generally 20/7 ... I rarely get sleep and I still can barely keep food down.
Who knows where this life is taking me. I hope things turn around. Music is so painful emotionally lately, but I have been breaking out of that. I am going to say Fuck It - Rebuild, start over. Obviously I have other plans made for me.
The day LJ deletes this journal will be a very, very sad day. I should print everything. Maybe one day...
(ps: ashleyqualls.tumblr.com in case you were wondering)
Boy oh boy...let me take a look at my last entry on here so I can get a feel for what I need to bring up and discuss.
HOLY shit, June 2009 - are you kidding me? That was my last entry? A fucking year ago? Wow, it's getting pretty sad huh? My breaks between entries. Maybe I will come back to you.
2009 was the worst year I had experienced thus far, let me post a Facebook post bringing in 2010 and then we can go from there...
***WARNING***
Okay, not really a warning, nothing scary is going to happen.
When I began writing this, my intention was to highlight some funny things over the past few years of life as we enter 2010. I had been meaning on making a "resolutions" blog for a while...here it is January 7th (remind me to put "Procrastination" at the top of that list). Instead, I was taken in another direction.
Ever since I was young I have and had felt myself as different, and growing into myself...well it just feels good.
I wanted to share funny memories of complaining about my mom and teachers, and hanging out with friends - but then as I began digging through my past, I stumbled on some more profound things (at least to me).
My teenage years in blogs:
First of all, thanks for finally arriving 2010.
It is strange to think this is the begging of my second decade here on earth. Such a short time, and only now do I see & recognize this.
2009 - Goodbye and good riddance! Well, that's how I felt at first. 2009 was rough - emotions, sickness, friends, family, love, death, loss, stress, anxiety, etc. It was hands down my LEAST favorite year so far, but that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary. I became very in tune with myself spiritually and mentally, meditating & discovering some amazing things this year that will always be remembered as 2009.
So although the year in general was not the very best, there are always good things to look back on.
The Bad:
I lost Nana.
Business struggling.
Sick all year, literally.
Stress & Anxiety overtook
Seen less friends & family
The Good:
We launched the new project
I finally became aware of myself and decided to take the journey of discovering myself more.
It seems the bad outweighs the good, but it doesn't mean the good is worth anything less to me. Anyways, the moral of my own story is that it's life - it's short, things change, things happen - both bad and good, and they should be embraced as well, just about anything else.
I stumbled into my journal and decided to share some things I wrote throughout the years...
2004: (Age 13 at the time)
March 9th, 2004 -
well today started out ok, went a little downhill, and just might be picking itself back up. well today we chose our classes for 9th grade. i took J.R.O.T.C for the whole year- along with many people - i wasnt going to but, since most of my friends are taking it- i guess i should try it...even though i doubt we'll get the same classes heh. i also took basic design for art, and junk- seems so interesting to me. i want to be able to draw artistically, and paint abstract and look at it and find it beautiful...i know im weird...i can look at black and white swirls and want to hang it on my wall, because you can see the simplicity wrapped within all of the brush strokes, and swirls...yeah- im definately strange...crazy, whatever the hell you want to call me...choose a career for me....writer, PHOTOGRAPHER (i <3 BLACK AND WHITE PICTURES *drools*) hmmm...something in business/creative director well i dont know...im not sure what i want to do with my life...i know its not important at this point in my life, but it seems so....whats the word...i dont know- but it seems so..."needed", and i dont know what im going to do- seems so pressured on us...maybe i just want to enjoy life, and see what comes up...just see...maybe someday ill get a lucky, easy break? doubt it...but you, on all odds, may never, never know...
i love photography and paints and stuff...maybe just maybe....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^^ Oh boy, how nuts...
August 2004 (Age 14)
"I've been selling stuff on Ebay lately, working on PHP, Forums, CGI, and other junk. That's what's going on in my life. I'm just relaxing now, since summer's almost over...it's about time I relax. Welp yeah, so that's what's been going on...indeed...well I guess it's not much lol...but at least I'm ok, and everyone else is ok... :)"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 15th 2005 (Age 14 still)
"So I've been thinking about school(s) lately.
I think life's going to change big this summer.
I'm excited.
And my party, :sigh:...I hope it's good :]
You know, my room still looks like messy and shitty.
Nice."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^Life did change big...
August 20th 2005 (15)
Excerpt:
"Life has definitely been crazy lately. While my sorry azz has been making some minimum money for not working at all, it's crazy; the feeling. It's scary and strange to think that August is over and yet I feel so lost. Not in literal terms, more of an emotional based feeling(s). I need some change. Maybe change my room colors, the style; etc. :sigh: I don't really know.
Last year at this time, life was 160% different, and I'm sure most everyone I know can agree. It's not that change of this past year that scares me (I lived through it...wooh)...it's the change that will happen this year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
^Before I started writing this blog (literally as I was going along), I didn't realize how weird some of the stuff I said was, like how I felt a change - and it did happen. Strange...I was going to post funny stuff from being 13, 14, etc...but so far I'm stumbling on this stuff.
September 6th 2005 Excerpt: (15):
"Well, last year at this time I was writing in my journal. The lights on the tree next door; were so moving.
And all I have now is the song "let's not shit ourselves" by bright eyes.
that's far enough.
ugh; that's confusing.
i actually have clothes picked out for tomorrow (school is starting)
I'm a dork.
=)
PS: here's to another year.
a good one from what I feel :)"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 27th 2005: (15):
"School's been fast.
They should close it.
Like, everyone's sick.
Yuck.
I want to run a business soon."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oct 9th 2005 (15): Excerpt:
"But thinking of how all the past weeks have been going by faster and faster, I can only hope the same.
I know, I'll regret this in a few years."
^So so true!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oct 16th 2005 (15):
"Sometimes, passions override duties; concience.
It's sub-concience taking over, spilling the truth [behind EVERYTHING].
Diversity.
Happiness.
Love.
Heart.
Soul.
Smiles.
I see it everywhere, and as much as I think sometimes the world is going downhill...there are 6 billion others who have an opinion.
We've just got to stick together.
White, Black, Jewish, Chinese, Italian, Russian, Purple, Grey, Old, Young, Dead, Alive, Rich, Famous, Poor, Sick, Alone, Deceiving, Concerned, and everyone else; we've got to stick together.
We eventually mark ourselves down as numbers, when we are all so much more. When numbers become thoughts, thoughts must change. Simply said.
Live, love, smile, cry, but never hate."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 6th 2005 (15) I posted "got my check."...
March 6th 2006 (15 still) Excerpt:
"I just wanted to say.
I'm gonna make it.
No really; and you all better believe it. :]
ps; i turned down the offer to buy whateverlife.com for 1 mill.
i feel proud.
i love my webbeh.
im a nerd."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
November 11th 2006 (16) - "Wow, life is going by so fast. My first semester in college is almost over"...
In my new house...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nov 29th 2007 (17) (so true):
"Ingrid Michaelson's music.
& Jack Johnson.
Don't forget Death Cab for Cutie and Matt Costa.
This might be for my future self.
You know, how I surf through old music.
This music will one day be known to only this time in my life.
Weird isn't it.
Even more strange when you realize it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
March 2nd 2008 (17) Excerpt:
"Everything happens for a reason.
Pain can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.
I must always remember that."
^This was the first entry I stumbled upon when randomly digging through my past. It means a lot to me, especially since this past year.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 9th, 2008 (18) Excerpt:
"i would be so psyched.
life is troubling.
i need to focus my mind.
focus my path.
live for me, live for love, live for happiness, live for peace.
i need to recognize myself for my strengths and not just weaknesses."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later 2008 I got more into metaphysics, spiritual stuff, etc. I was totally into everything quantum physics too.
Here's a bit on defining "nothing" & tenth dimensions. You can skip it, just wanted to add it for the hell of it haha.
October 14th 2008 (18) Excerpt:
"I've never been able to admit the scientific answer...because there technically "isn't" one.
I believe that "nothing" is above explanation; the world's philosophies are so far behind in themselves, that "nothing" exceeds all thoughts, aspects, and definitions. There is always "something"; therefore never leaving empty 'space'. What if "nothing" is not space, but simply questioning the meaning of life as a whole? Is it a belief of some sort? Hope? Negative, I would only imagine.
"Is nothing a "true" matter or "false"?
"Nothing" is "importance"; paramount to any other beliefs, thoughts, actions; processes.
Quite possibly, maybe "nothing" can only mean "if and only if" anything?
Maybe "nothing" is a dream of emptiness which cannot even be imagined; therefore; never possible.
Nothing may be in fact, impossible; so what brings us to the thought?
"If you can think it, it is possible" ? Sound familiar?
So...nothing; what does it mean to you? When you think of "nothing"; you simply cannot black out?
Unless of course, you are in some sort of "tangent" universe; which of course is possible; but let's think of what you're "imagining" in your head.
If you can imagine ANYTHING at all, comparing to "nothing"; you are in fact; falsified. Rejected and wrong.
Thinking the color black? Black is in existence.
Plainly put; if you are thinking at all; it is then possible that "nothing" is....
"Nothing" is limit of our human exsistence.
No pun intended ;). No, seriously. Old post though- wrote it in 2006, but it still holds true to me. I've tried to rework my thoughts on it to no avail.
*PHEW* Okay, anyways! I really wanted to show you some sweet tenth dimensional videos I found. They might sound a little confusing at first but it's truly remarkable.
PART ONE
LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkxieS-6WuA
PART TWO
LINK: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySBaYMESb8o
So what if there are other entities in other dimensions, we may not even realize exist. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
Like? I do. Sorry for this terribly geeky/nerdy/philosophical post. No, not really sorry- I love this stuff."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
April 29th 2009 (18) Excerpt:
(Weird, I was just saying how I got into this stuff, had no idea it was in the next entry)
"It's been so long, I don't know why I don't post in here often. This is a fantastic journal tool.
Anyways, just been working a lot. I haven't even posted since Nana passed away.
She passed on 3-16. It has been the hardest months ever, but I am pushing through it.
I'm very spiritual, so I have been in touch & I will continue to feel this way as time goes on.
I've been really into spiritual life, quantum physics & reality lately. It's my second hobby, aside from design."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...It's all so strange the way things lead up. I know this post is long and a lot of mixing together and ramblings - but it just means something, all of it - it has to. Crazy how I'll be 20 soon. Not really crazy, time here is so small.
Sort of a ramble, but sort of my way of embracing the new year.
My resolutions? Stop stressing so much. Stop worrying so much. Follow my heart, and stay creative.
Wow okay, so that was a ton of writing. So now it's mid 2010 already (I'm 20!). I'm still extremely sick. I have been sick now for almost two full years, in and out of hospitals - countless tests and yet I am still stuck in my house.
My creative self has gone and come and gone again, repeatedly it seems. I am working hard to bounce back, working so hard. I am sick generally 20/7 ... I rarely get sleep and I still can barely keep food down.
Who knows where this life is taking me. I hope things turn around. Music is so painful emotionally lately, but I have been breaking out of that. I am going to say Fuck It - Rebuild, start over. Obviously I have other plans made for me.