(no subject)
Tony felt like an idiot, he’d been ready to forgive Gibbs and the entire time he was doing god only knows what with Hart. And yet Tony was still sitting there, head buried in his old pillow and allowing himself to smell Gibbs. His grip tightened on the pillow, he couldn’t like like this and he knew it. Tony had made his choice and he’d stand by it.
Or course that didn’t mean that he didn’t clutch his pillow all night long wishing it was Gibbs.
Jim didn’t blink twice the next day when Tony told him, he just nodded and shrugged. “It was always your choice Tony.”
Abby was a bit more emotional about it, “But don’t you love him?” Her eyes had been large and luminous in that way that only Abby’s eyes were, which as usual made it impossible to lie to her.
“Yeah Abbs, but I can’t live in Limbo waiting for him to get his head out of his ass.”
She’d made a low unhappy noise and hugged him tightly for a few moments, and Tony allowed himself to relax. He might have to face Gibbs daily but he didn’t have to do it alone, it turned out Gibbs had been right by having rule 12.
The first few times Gibbs had attempted to talk to him, Tony had ignored it; and Gibbs seemed to take the hint. Just staring at Tony across the bullpen; which pulled on far too many of Tony’s heart strings but he held firm.
On Thursday Jim approached him at his desk around noon with a happy smile that Tony recognized with a smirk, “Someone has a date.”
Jimmy’s grin grew, if that was even possible, “Yup! Tomorrow. But we were thinking we’d go clubbing this time, and she has a friend that she’s bringing and I thought that since you’ve been talking about moving on you should come with me.”
Tony could practically feel Gibbs gaze and blinked, “Um, sure yeah I can come. Where are you guys going?”
Jimmy was all smiles as he gave Tony the details and half skipped to the elevator, Tony shook his head with a rueful smile. Tony honestly tried not to look at Gibbs, but eventually he almost had to and was faced with a Gibbs that Tony hadn’t seen before. Tony sighed, and tried to remind himself that Gibbs was an ass who didn’t deserve his time of day.
At lunch Ziva was making a lot of noise about Ducky and Gibbs and how she was worried about them both; McGee was nodding vigorously and Tony was distractedly wondering if Ducky was talking to Gibbs yet.
Which is how Tony found himself in the morgue and half dragging Ducky into his office, with a half wave to Jimmy; Ducky tugged at his sleeve absentmindedly with a small scowl at Tony, “My dear boy, telling me you wanted to talk would have sufficed.”
Tony shrugged and waved the comment off, “Are you talking to Gibbs?”
Ducky blinked, “Jethro? I never stopped talking to Jethro.” Tony sent him a pointed look and Ducky sighed, “Well fine alright. No I haven’t been as…eh…warm as I possibly could be.”
Tony shook his head, “You should talk to him, he seems upset.” Ducky raised his eyebrows silently and sent Tony a significant look. “I’m not talking to him Ducky, because he’s a bastard and he hurt me but he does need to talk and…and he hurt me not you and just…god damn it Ducky just talk to him. Please?”
Ducky laid a hand on his shoulder with a small smile, “Alright my boy, I will.”
Tony sighed, “Thank you.” He studied the older man silently for a moment, “How’re you Duck? Ziva’s got her panties in a bunch about your bow-ties and Abby isn’t far behind…is it eh…?” He waved his hand vaguely and Ducky laughed.
“You’re a good man Anthony DiNozzo, but yes I’m alright. I’d ask how you know about my mother’s passing but I’m not sure I want to know.” Ducky was sending him an indulgent smile.
“Are you kidding? Palmer talks when he’s drunk.” Tony frowned, “I was a bit sad you didn’t tell me though, I mean I was her Italian Gigolo Furniture Mover, I thought our connection was sacred.”
Ducky laughed, “Yes you were, you should come with me to see her some time. I’m sure she’d have appreciated it.”
Tony leaned forward and squeezed Ducky’s shoulder, “Just give me a time and place Duck and we’ll go together. She was one awesome lady. But I should get back to work, and you should talk to Gibbs.”
Tony didn’t hear the older man sigh as he left, and he was already halfway to the elevator by the time Ducky had walked back over to Jim. “What on earth are we to do with those two, Mr. Palmer?”
Jim’s distracted, “Hope to god they don’t end up killing each other or themselves.”
“It is rather like a really twisted Romeo and Juliet.”
The younger man stood up straight with a frown, “I don’t even want to know which one’s Juliet.” Ducky started to laugh and found he couldn’t stop.
~~~~~~~
Gibbs was beginning to hate sitting in his basement; it was Friday and Tony was off at god knows what club with Palmer. He was probably surrounded by women and back to flirting, and that thought sent another sharp stab of pain through his gut and Gibbs took another swig of Jack.
He heard someone moving upstairs, and briefly wondered how they’d gotten past the lock. But he hoped it was Tony, maybe it was.
Maybe Tony was willing to give him one last shot; maybe Tony would let Gibbs hold him again. Because that’s what Gibbs missed most, sure he missed the sex and the easy banter but most of all he missed the way Tony had leaned against him and pushed into his hands. Maybe they could go back, because that’s what Gibbs wanted more than anything. He didn’t have the right to feel this bad; he’d hurt Tony not the other way around.
Gibbs knew it wasn’t Tony before whoever it was got halfway down the stairs, and he felt what little hope he’d mustered drain. Leaving him sad, half-drunk, and feeling pathetic again; he looked up to see Ducky gazing at him sadly. “What is it Duck? I already know I’m a bastard, I know I deserve to rot, and I know I’m a utter screw up.”
The older man gazed at him sadly, “Oh Jethro, you do have the capacity to screw things up don’t you?”
Gibbs growled a bit and took another swig of Jack, “Yeah.”
“I think you’ve had quite enough of that my friend.” Ducky sounded vaguely disapproving as he took the bottle of Jack from Gibbs’ lax grip and put the top on it firmly. “Also it’s time to get you up those stairs. Before we can’t get you up them yes? I’m not as young as I once was.”
Gibbs blinked down at his friend, as he was half dragged up the stairs to his living room. Gibbs felt a pang as he settled onto his couch and realized again Tony’s pillow was gone. He shook his head slightly, trying to get a better grip on what was happening. “Why’re you here Duck? Thought you were angry at me.”
“Yes well, a very good friend of yours reminded me he wasn’t the only one who needed to talk. And it looks like he was more than correct since you seem to be attempting to pickle your liver. Again.” Ducky sighed and lowered himself into an arm chair while sending Gibbs a disapproving look. “Alright, what’s got you turning to Jack tonight then?”
“Tony’s moving on.” Gibbs hated those words, he hated knowing he’d lost but most of all he hated that he’d never get to make it up to Tony.
Ducky made an understanding noise, “I see. Well…” the other man sighed softly before continueing, “Well there isn’t much you can do you know. Just…let him be I suppose.”
Gibbs felt pathetic as he shook his head, “I-I miss him Ducky. I really miss him.”
“Oh Jethro…” Ducky sighed and didn’t continue. Sometimes there wasn’t really anything you could say.
~~~~~~~
Tony had forgotten just how fucking loud clubs were. Hannah and her friend were late so he was sitting with Jimmy, who was literally bouncing with excitement, at a small table waiting for the women to arrive. Tony hated that he wasn’t enjoying this as much as he once would have, a year ago he would already have been on the dance floor, flirting, and happy. But here he was sitting with Jimmy, pointedly ignoring the women sending him their best “come hither” gazes, and wishing he’d opted to stay home. He didn’t want some stupid casual bimbo for the evening, but that’s all that was really on offer.
“Hannah!” Jim sounded excited as he bound over to her, and Tony smiled despite himself. Jimmy was too endearing, and Tony could tell from Hannah’s excited grin that she felt the same.
“Tony! It’s so nice to see you again!” Hannah sent him a warm smile and Tony responded in kind, he liked Hannah. And at one point he probably would have been panting after her faster than a dog to a bone, but these days he didn’t feel like going after much. “This is Jennifer.”
“Jenny.”
The semi-sharp voice that corrected her caused Tony to notice the second woman for the first time. And he froze; she was tall and her arms were crossed and her stance practically screamed that she was uncomfortable. But what really struck him was the steel in her eyes and her vivd red hair, he nearly groaned aloud; Jimmy laughed.
Jenny’s eyes narrowed at the shorter man, “Is my name funny?”
Jimmy shook his head with a rueful grin, “Naw, we just knew someone named Jenny with red hair.”
Tony sighed, “We didn’t get along.”
The woman blinked, taken aback a bit before shrugging, “Oh well. That’s alright then I guess.”
The other two had finally taken themselves off to the dancefloor about half an hour later when Jenny turned to him, “I’m not sleeping with you.”
Tony blinked, “Um, yeah I don’t want you to?”
“Good.” She nodded firmly, “Just wanted to get that one out the way.” Tony blinked and shrugged, and Jenny narrowed her eyes at him. “So this Jenny you don’t get along with…”
Tony shook his head with a smile, “Didn’t. She died. That’s why Jimmy laughed, you could be her daughter easy.”
Jenny blinked, “Thank you?”
Tony shrugged slightly, “We might not have gotten along, but Jenny was one hell of a woman. It’s definitely a compliment.”
She smiled, “Than thank you. So why aren’t you dancing? Plenty of women here would sleep with you if you asked.”
“Because I don’t want them to sleep with me.” Tony raised an eyebrow at her.
She laughed, “So you’re gay or someone just broke your heart.”
Tony wrinkled his nose at her but nodded, “I’m bi, and yeah.”
“Oh shit, I’m sorry!” Her face was almost comically shock, “God I’m such a bitch. What happened?” Her hands flew to cover her mouth, “No don’t tell me, you don’t have to. We can talk about something else um like the weather. Yeah the weather’s good.”
“It’s raining.” Her face froze and Tony felt himself laugh, “Naw, it’s really alright. Jimmy says it’s like bleeding off poison every time you talk about it. But yeah he cheated on me.”
Jenny sighed, “God, not you too. What the hell is with cheating these days?”
“You too?” Tony gave an ironic smile and raised his glass in a semi-toast.
She rolled her eyes, “Yeah. It sucks. How’re you dealing with it? I keep thinking there’s got to be like this key to just getting over it you know? But I haven’t found one.”
Tony leaned back a bit and thought, “I’m…not getting over it. Which is worse really I suppose, because he’s just waiting for me and I’m stuck in limbo.”
“He’s waiting for you? The guy that cheated on you or…” she trailed off meaningfully with her eyebrows raised and Tony shook his head.
“Yeah, the same guy. It’s this retardedly complicated story that involves a lawyer, but he still sits there every day looking at me like some sad old dog that wants to be let in and I really want to let him in but I’m too afraid he’s going to bite me and I’m angry because he has bitten me and that wound is getting infected and…” Tony sighed, “Like I said, complicated.”
She gave a small huff of laughter, “It’s a good analogy though. My dog is just as bad, he just ran away. I wasn’t even worth sticking around to fight for.” Her voice was bitter.
Tony blinked, “What do you mean?”
“Last time I saw that bastard the other woman had a ring on her finger and he was so happy I wanted to vomit.” She looked slightly lost and took another swig of her drink, “At least yours gives a damn.”
Tony laughed, “Yeah, yeah he does. I’m still not ready to forgive him yet.”
“You don’t have to forgive him you know.” She looked slightly pensive as she studied him and sipped his drink.
Tony blinked, “But he’s…he’s Gibbs!”
“And this Gibbs is human, and so are you. So you’re allowed to be angry, you’re allowed to not trust him. And you’re allowed to walk away.” She gave him a pointed looked, “And I don’t think you’re ready to forgive him yet. But I think eventually you might be able to.”
Tony sighed, “Why? Why can’t I hate him? He completely screwed me over.”
Jenny looked down at her drink with a sad smile, “Love works like that.” She looked up at him with a frown, “I’ll tell you a secret ok?” Tony raised an eyebrow and waited until she sighed, “If Harold came back…I probably wouldn’t blink twice.” She took a long swallow of her drink and grimaced, “Because as much as I hate that bastard I love him more. And as twisted as this is, I’d give anything to have him apologize and start looking at me again; seriously how twisted is that?”
Tony sighed, “No that sounds familiar.”
“ALthough at the moment the idea of sex makes me want to vomit,” She took another long swig of her beer, “Maybe I should get a vibrator.”
Tony choked and she sent him a shocked look before slapping his back hard a few times, and when he was able Tony began to laugh. “Oh my god. I can’t believe you said that!”
Jenny shrugged, “It’s the truth. No point in beating around the bush, so to speak.” She smirked again as Tony gave another bark of laughter. “Don’t you want a vibrator though? I’d buy one but it’s so awkward, I mean seriously being celibate isn’t very fun.”
Tony sighed and nodded, “Yeah, you think it’s awkward for you. I’m a cop, and a man, and I’d be buying lube and a vibrator.” He raised an eyebrow, “Not my idea of a fun time.”
She laughed, “Yeah that would be awkward.”
Tony didn’t know how it happened but he managed to relax and have fun the rest of the evening, and he even ended up offering Jenny a ride home so that Jimmy and Hannah could stay out longer. The two swapped email addresses and Tony thought that maybe he was getting back into the swing of things after all. Even if she’d never be more than a friend Jenny had shocked him out of his slump, he shook his head with a smile before driving off.