and there's this burning
i always seem sorrowful? i tend to seem sorrowful. this is what i've heard. this is what i've been told.
well, you're not wrong. at least, i don't think so. it's not that i'm withering away slowly; dying inside myself. nothing that melodramatic. there's just this...yearn. there's this burning. there's always been this burning. and it tends to amount to nothing. there are times when i go crazy - when i abandon all reason and rant and rant and rant about the future i want to have with the people i want to have it with. family - these are the people i take with me. and yet, it's just a dream. a hollowed, senseless dream of a young girl. and i hate being that girl. i don't want to be the girl who sits around and yearns and folds inside herself because she wants something more than those around her. i don't want to be the girl who walks on the heads of others to attain some obscure goal. i don't want to be the girl who hurts for someone that isn't really there. but i am. i have become that girl. and it kills me to admit it, but i can't dodge the truth. i won't dodge the truth. i suppose i've retained at least a little dignity, by taking this for what it is.
the yearning? it comes from a fear. that fear of never reaching my goals. that fear of never getting what i need. it's no longer want, this thing i feel - it's need. of course, i want other things - smaller things, with less intensity - as well, but this overshadows all of that. maybe i just want to prove myself. maybe i just want to achieve some kind of self-worth... i don't know.
maybe i don't deserve it at all.
maybe i'm not supposed to have it.
and that's more chilling than anything i've ever felt.