Ode to Lonely

[ashalynzo]

 I hate love songs.  I hate reading them, I hate hearing them, I hate seeing them.  I hate that it hurts.  It's just an adolescent ache, too.  It's senseless and embarrassing, and I wish I didn't feel anything.  But I do.  And I don't feel uplifted, or hopeful, or like I'm being sung to - and if I do, it's gone in a moment, and I've fallen off Cloud Nine again.  Sometimes I just feel damn lonely.  Really, really damn lonely.  And I don't like that about myself.  I don't feel like I need to have some great love to find fulfillment in love - I don't need a man to justify myself.  But, at the same time, I don't believe in real love. Not for me.  Because, even someday, when I'm in a relationship, I know that I will doubt him and stress and latch onto a perpetual paranoia I've lived with my entire life.  The kinds of relationships I've seen have all been warped.  I've seen adulterers and divorcees, and with my parents' story, I know that relationships alienate me now.  It's sad.  It's strange to think that  the situation of two other people has altered me completely.  Something went wrong, somewhere.  I went wrong.  I went left, and not right, and I can't remember how to turn this thing around.

I also hate you, suave, flaming asshole.  I hate you.

x
lonely asshole