(no subject)
....I think I'm breaking......I can't think like I used to. My emotional state is a wreck, I feal angry, sad, loving, hating, all at random with no cause what so ever. I don't feal like I should, anymore. My fealings don't make sence to me anymore, nor do the people I see.I look back at my old life with envy and longing when now I see the truth of everything around me, in its true light. I was blind then, and yet now I see to much.
....I think I'm breaking.....I'm not who I used to be, I used to be the one to lighten a mood, to do crazy things and make everyone laugh and have a good time, and still somehow kept a certain dignity while doing it. Now I'm....well just lost, bereft and empty. I feel like I'm being punished for someone elses mistakes. I feel like everything is being taken away from me because I see the truth.....I want a release from this so desperately.....and yet I don't know what I want anymore.
....Busguy spent the night at micheals tonight. They had a fireworks war....me and micheal.....used to do that... we would get groses of bottlerockets, little shooter we made ourselves (they were extremely inaccurate), and at the end we would be tired, and laughing and talking about this shot or that.....I miss the old times...but I know if I were givin a second chance to do everything again....I would do everything the same. I'm beging to hate this life that I've built around me. I feel traped in my room......doing nothing real...just playing with the illusioins that humans have given me...playing these video games, to waste away time instead of actually spending it like...last....summer
....I feel betrayed...alone....with only Jaimie at my side keeping me clinging to sanity.....I try to stay, barely there but more ofter then not I catch myself thinking of giving up....and thinking, that the mental hostpital wouldn't be that bad....the only friend I see more than once a week anymore is busguy.....and when I'm hanging out with him I feel like I'm trying to trick myself into thinking that he's replaceing what once I had.....I try and to hang on to such illusions for they seem to be the rope that keeps me clinging onto the precifice of reality.....I'm sorry everyone....I actually fought with myself a while before actually admiting this.....but I feel I needed to say that, sorry if some parts seem redundant, its late at night, and I feel like shit.
....I think I'm breaking.....I'm not who I used to be, I used to be the one to lighten a mood, to do crazy things and make everyone laugh and have a good time, and still somehow kept a certain dignity while doing it. Now I'm....well just lost, bereft and empty. I feel like I'm being punished for someone elses mistakes. I feel like everything is being taken away from me because I see the truth.....I want a release from this so desperately.....and yet I don't know what I want anymore.
....Busguy spent the night at micheals tonight. They had a fireworks war....me and micheal.....used to do that... we would get groses of bottlerockets, little shooter we made ourselves (they were extremely inaccurate), and at the end we would be tired, and laughing and talking about this shot or that.....I miss the old times...but I know if I were givin a second chance to do everything again....I would do everything the same. I'm beging to hate this life that I've built around me. I feel traped in my room......doing nothing real...just playing with the illusioins that humans have given me...playing these video games, to waste away time instead of actually spending it like...last....summer
....I feel betrayed...alone....with only Jaimie at my side keeping me clinging to sanity.....I try to stay, barely there but more ofter then not I catch myself thinking of giving up....and thinking, that the mental hostpital wouldn't be that bad....the only friend I see more than once a week anymore is busguy.....and when I'm hanging out with him I feel like I'm trying to trick myself into thinking that he's replaceing what once I had.....I try and to hang on to such illusions for they seem to be the rope that keeps me clinging onto the precifice of reality.....I'm sorry everyone....I actually fought with myself a while before actually admiting this.....but I feel I needed to say that, sorry if some parts seem redundant, its late at night, and I feel like shit.