(no subject)
Sometimes I really can't stand my dad and his way of dealing with things. He's so irritating. I hate how he uses my little brother and sister against me. If I go over, I'll play with Jake (he's one year old, as of yesterday), and Dad will say, "You know what he's thinking? I know I love this person, but who the hell is she?" He's implying that I'm over there so little that Jake knows that he knows me, but he doesn't know who I am or why he recognizes me. And you know what? That makes me feel bad. I don't necessarily believe it to be true, but it makes me feel bad when he says it. I guess that's what he wants, though - for me to feel guilty. Today, I woke up to a voicemail from Hope (she's 3), saying "I want to make a happy snowman and I want to make it with you." He has her call my phone and leave me messages. It's just another way to make me feel guilty about not seeing my siblings as often as he'd like. You know, I'm just to the point where I don't even care anymore. When he calls, I don't even want to answer the phone. All he ever does is try to make me feel guilty for not coming to his house very often. He says, "You still love me, right?" Of course I still love him. I still love all of them. I just don't like that house. I don't know why, exactly... there are a bunch of reasons. First of all, I'm kind of obsessive-compulsive and his house just seems so DIRTY all the time. I don't like crumbs or dirt AT ALL, and it's so hard for me to have to go there and deal with all that. I feel like I can't sit down anywhere, I can't take my shoes off because I might step in something dirty, I have to examine my fork before I eat (I do that at home, too, but probably moreso at Dad's house). I don't think that house is really dirty, to a normal person, but they have two little children who create messes all the time, and all I can focus on is the DIRT and the CRUMBS. It's not normal, I know, but it's something I have to deal with. And I'm allergic to his cat and probably other things in the house (like dust). So when I'm there, my head gets all congested, my eyes itch, my throat feels funny, and I basically feel like dying. I get one of those really deep coughs where it makes my chest and my armpits itch... like on the inside. (Does that happen to anyone else? haha) I also don't like going there because I become like a built-in babysitter. It doesn't happen as often anymore as it used to, because I'm not there for long periods of time anymore, but I mean, it's as simple as "I know he's crying, but hold him and try to pacify him while I clean up the dinner dishes," or something like that. And I try to help out as much as I can with the kids, but if Jake's crying, I don't know what to do with him. I try to give him some toys, I try to talk to him, I try to bounce him, I try everything I can think of and it doesn't work, and it's just so overwhelming. But as soon as Billie Jo (his mom, my stepmom) picks him up, he's fine. All he wants is his mom. It just seems like a waste of time for me to try to pacify him when he obviously doesn't want me. It's just so scary and overwhelming for me to hold him and have him cry, no matter what I do. It makes me feel so inadequate.
I dunno. I'm sure there are more reasons I don't want to go over there, but I can't think of any right now. Besides the fact that he lives in Smithsburg/Leitersburg and it's a pretty long drive to get there... I guess that's kind of petty, but oh well, it's how I feel.
Hopefully I can go to Borders today. I looked up some books last night on amazon.com that I wanna get. It's mostly non-fiction stuff, surprisingly, but I guess a book is a book. I just want to get out of this house for a while... I'll do almost anything. Key word there... ALMOST.
I dunno. I'm sure there are more reasons I don't want to go over there, but I can't think of any right now. Besides the fact that he lives in Smithsburg/Leitersburg and it's a pretty long drive to get there... I guess that's kind of petty, but oh well, it's how I feel.
Hopefully I can go to Borders today. I looked up some books last night on amazon.com that I wanna get. It's mostly non-fiction stuff, surprisingly, but I guess a book is a book. I just want to get out of this house for a while... I'll do almost anything. Key word there... ALMOST.