(no subject)
i'm a terrible kid... your mother should be glad she has you and not me... i never do anything right... like i said, i'm a terrible kid... all my life i've tried to do the right thing and be a good person and for what? my life SUCKS... i haven't actually talked to mom in two days... and for other people that might not be a big deal, but it hurts me so much... i don't know what to do anymore... she thinks i'm a terrible kid... slappy thinks i'm a terrible kid... mom doesn't deserve to have a kid like me, i'm the reason she had a stroke, i'll probably cause her to have another stroke and something terrible will probably happen... it's 11:11... i wish i wasn't here anymore, i wish i could just fall off the face of the planet... i don't want anyone to have to deal with me anymore
i'm ostracized at school and in social situations because i'm not like anybody else... i've said it before and i'll say it again... i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't have sex, i don't steal, i don't do anything FUN... but i've always tried to do the right thing thinking that at least if i can't have the acceptance of my peers, i can have the acceptance of my family... well, now i don't even have that... because i'm a terrible kid... i never do anything right... i fuck everything up
mom has to pay for me to go to college... why? because i'm not smart enough or athletic enough to get scholarships... and lord knows she rubs that in my face... everytime i spend even a penny, i get yelled at... "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU TO GO TO COLLEGE AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY ON SHOES?!" maybe i won't go to college... if i'm that big of a hassle, maybe i'll just get a real job right now and move out... i'm not even smart anymore... i only got a 1290 on my SAT... YES, randy... THAT'S RIGHT... A 1290... A MILLION POINTS LOWER THAN YOUR SCORE! you're going to be valedictiorian, okay? don't even worry about me... i'm too far behind... you deserve it, i don't... i'm terrible... i only think about myself... i don't deserve anything i have
not only am i not good enough for my mother, i'm not good enough for my father either... i got a SHITTY email tonight about how terrible i am... I'M SORRY MOM AND I'M SORRY DAD... I'M SORRY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH... but lord knows i fucking try... i really do... i don't know what else to do... i've tried so hard all my life to do the right thing and it never works out... i'm never good enough... I'M SORRY... TO EVERYONE... i'm trying so hard to make my parents proud... i'm trying so hard to be a good role model for my brothers and my sister... i'm trying so hard to do the right thing even though it always makes me feel like SHIT and it always makes me feel ALONE and DIFFERENT and OUT OF PLACE...
when i went to scott's that night with sarah and i saw matt... i hadn't talked to him since elementary school, he didn't know what i was like... he didn't know that i don't smoke or drink or fuck and you know what? HE LIKED ME... and he wanted me to come back over the next night to hang out... and do you KNOW how good that fucking felt? someone thought i was fun... someone thought i was WORTH IT... it felt so good to be a different ashley... an ashley no one knows... an ashley who wasn't OUT OF PLACE
and maybe what hurts the most is that NO ONE KNOWS how i feel... i talk about my problems with my friends sometimes but no one knows HOW HARD life is for me... you guys don't know! i just sit and cry about 50 times a day... there is so much pressure on me... from my parents, from my friends, from myself... i can't take it anymore, i really can't... i felt like i was about to explode... and then i get home and get that email from my dad... and it just feels like someone dumped a ton of bricks on me... i don't wanna wake up tomorrow, i don't want to go to school and put on a happy face for you people... but i don't want to cry either... i don't want you to know how i feel because you don't care... deep down inside, you don't... you have your own problems to worry about, you don't need mine... i don't need my problems... so i'm gonna put on a fucking happy face and i'm gonna make you think everything's okay so you don't feel bad about not caring that i'm not okay... just keep telling yourself that you're a good person... because you are, i'm the one who's not a good person, i'm the one who always fucks up... but you're a good person... you couldn't deal with my feelings even if you tried, so don't mess up your day for me
i'm DONE... i don't want to think of anything else to say... and DON'T COMMENT... i mean that
i'm ostracized at school and in social situations because i'm not like anybody else... i've said it before and i'll say it again... i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't have sex, i don't steal, i don't do anything FUN... but i've always tried to do the right thing thinking that at least if i can't have the acceptance of my peers, i can have the acceptance of my family... well, now i don't even have that... because i'm a terrible kid... i never do anything right... i fuck everything up
mom has to pay for me to go to college... why? because i'm not smart enough or athletic enough to get scholarships... and lord knows she rubs that in my face... everytime i spend even a penny, i get yelled at... "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I'M GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR YOU TO GO TO COLLEGE AND YOU'RE WASTING YOUR MONEY ON SHOES?!" maybe i won't go to college... if i'm that big of a hassle, maybe i'll just get a real job right now and move out... i'm not even smart anymore... i only got a 1290 on my SAT... YES, randy... THAT'S RIGHT... A 1290... A MILLION POINTS LOWER THAN YOUR SCORE! you're going to be valedictiorian, okay? don't even worry about me... i'm too far behind... you deserve it, i don't... i'm terrible... i only think about myself... i don't deserve anything i have
not only am i not good enough for my mother, i'm not good enough for my father either... i got a SHITTY email tonight about how terrible i am... I'M SORRY MOM AND I'M SORRY DAD... I'M SORRY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH... but lord knows i fucking try... i really do... i don't know what else to do... i've tried so hard all my life to do the right thing and it never works out... i'm never good enough... I'M SORRY... TO EVERYONE... i'm trying so hard to make my parents proud... i'm trying so hard to be a good role model for my brothers and my sister... i'm trying so hard to do the right thing even though it always makes me feel like SHIT and it always makes me feel ALONE and DIFFERENT and OUT OF PLACE...
when i went to scott's that night with sarah and i saw matt... i hadn't talked to him since elementary school, he didn't know what i was like... he didn't know that i don't smoke or drink or fuck and you know what? HE LIKED ME... and he wanted me to come back over the next night to hang out... and do you KNOW how good that fucking felt? someone thought i was fun... someone thought i was WORTH IT... it felt so good to be a different ashley... an ashley no one knows... an ashley who wasn't OUT OF PLACE
and maybe what hurts the most is that NO ONE KNOWS how i feel... i talk about my problems with my friends sometimes but no one knows HOW HARD life is for me... you guys don't know! i just sit and cry about 50 times a day... there is so much pressure on me... from my parents, from my friends, from myself... i can't take it anymore, i really can't... i felt like i was about to explode... and then i get home and get that email from my dad... and it just feels like someone dumped a ton of bricks on me... i don't wanna wake up tomorrow, i don't want to go to school and put on a happy face for you people... but i don't want to cry either... i don't want you to know how i feel because you don't care... deep down inside, you don't... you have your own problems to worry about, you don't need mine... i don't need my problems... so i'm gonna put on a fucking happy face and i'm gonna make you think everything's okay so you don't feel bad about not caring that i'm not okay... just keep telling yourself that you're a good person... because you are, i'm the one who's not a good person, i'm the one who always fucks up... but you're a good person... you couldn't deal with my feelings even if you tried, so don't mess up your day for me
i'm DONE... i don't want to think of anything else to say... and DON'T COMMENT... i mean that