Cynical Thinking?

[ash42587]

Last night I was up with Cristy in our (old) apartment and we started discussing those "lovey dovey" couples. You know who they are, the ones with I <3 Bob all over their myspaces and pics galore. From a few of Cristy's friends that I saw on Myspace, they were pretty extreme with their boyfriend/girlfriend. And it makes you think that wow, relationships are way too much trouble. I mean I have some friends who are in relationships and you would never really know. I suppose they learn to separate the two entities of relationship and social life. But I'm not innocent in this argument whatsoever. I used to be one of those "lovey dovey" couples. Me and David both were like that. Texting all day, everyday. (One month I had almost $200 in text messages alone). We called each other sweetie and sent random cards and care packages to surprise the other. I had I <3 Davey on my binders at school and his pictures. And blah blah blah. But you also have to realize that I was 15-18 years old. Which alot of that was a maturity thing. Now for almost 2 years I have been doing the whole single thing. My spring semester of my freshman year I was pretty angry. And I rebelled. I drank like a fish, I dated someone who wasn't true to me, I did alot of impulse things that I now regret. Then this past year, I spent finding my true self. And it took until January/February to finally except myself. Then I had to let go of two ghosts from the past. One was pretty easy to let go of, I deleted everything that pertained to him. And then I'm finally at peace with David. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I had a dream with us and we finally had closure. I woke up and even though it was all a dream, I felt at peace. I didn't hate him or Kim. I realized they had something that me and David never did. They sparked and you know I am happy for them. To find each other and both be happy. Sure things could of happened differently, but they happened the way they were intended to. Every obstacle we face and overcome just makes us more of who we are suppose to be. And no matter what I did freshman year or even last year, I'm such a different person. I honestly don't care if I ever drink again. And I'm not settling for just anyone who likes me. Sure three years ago I was one of those couples Cristy and I talked about last night. But given another opportunity, I don't think I'd be as open about it. It's good to have a little mystery here and there. I do miss relationships, I get lonely, I miss being in someone arms and feeling that sense of comfort. What I miss the most though, is waking up with someone next to you, either with their arms around you or not. But just laying next to that person, that is what I miss the most.

For now I am happy and I'm ready for whatever comes my way. I just think alot about certain things and what if they had occured differently. How would I feel? It's hard to get someone out of your mind. Though they do make you smile when you think of them. I think for now, I'm just going to stay here in the background for awhile.