I Could Lose My Heart Tonight If You Don't Turn and Walk Away
I guess spending the past 2 days with James hasn't helped my feelings any. Thursday I went to SouthLake with Cidnye to hang out with James and we went to the Town Square and shopped. Then went back to his house and played some pool and darts. Then there was dinner with the parents. His mom is so awesome. After that was some more darts and then an hour or so of Invader Zim. Then it was like 11pm and SouthLake and McKinney aren't exactly close to each other. Then last night we all went out and saw Spiderman 3, which was awful and I laughed at all the parts that Spiderman was crying. I'm sorry, when ever I see a boy cry, I laugh. I am a horrible, horrible person.
But back to James, he's different than all the other guys I've liked. Which in the past 4 years has really only been 3 guys. Yeah I've gone on dates with other guys, but these 3 are the only ones that have gotten close and that I've actually really, really liked. Of course there was the first actual relationship with David. Then there was Cal. Which after awhile just became this physical thing. And now because of it, I can do any kind of physical action without attachment or emotion for the other person. Don't get my wrong, Cal and I had great chemisty and passion. Moreso than I have had with anyone. But we knew that it wouldn't be anything more than that. And now there is James. Who has been there since the beginning just in the background so to speak. Yet we're only friends and I'm so afraid that we might never be anything more. I mean I can't explain, but when he looks at me, I definately feel something; a spark. And I know he flirts with me because the others see it too, I know I'm not crazy. But for now, I am in the waiting line. Or that's what I call it. A place where we are friends, but given the opportune moment something will happen. I'm just afraid it might be too late. And there is the whole issue with the fact I have a VERY VERY hard time with emotions and feelings. As I said overtime I've learned not to get attached, not to feel. Right now I can't have James, which makes me want him even more. But what if I am given the chance, would I still want it? And since I am so used to being numb with boys, what if afterward I feel nothing for him? I'm sure he has his concerns too. I sometimes wonder if I maybe am too complicated for him. He knows about my past and I'm pretty sure he know I try to cover alot of my feelings too. Regardless of what might happen, what is for sure is that he considers me a good, close friend, as I do him. And really that's all I could want. When I'm with him, I forget everything, and I am happy.
'
But back to James, he's different than all the other guys I've liked. Which in the past 4 years has really only been 3 guys. Yeah I've gone on dates with other guys, but these 3 are the only ones that have gotten close and that I've actually really, really liked. Of course there was the first actual relationship with David. Then there was Cal. Which after awhile just became this physical thing. And now because of it, I can do any kind of physical action without attachment or emotion for the other person. Don't get my wrong, Cal and I had great chemisty and passion. Moreso than I have had with anyone. But we knew that it wouldn't be anything more than that. And now there is James. Who has been there since the beginning just in the background so to speak. Yet we're only friends and I'm so afraid that we might never be anything more. I mean I can't explain, but when he looks at me, I definately feel something; a spark. And I know he flirts with me because the others see it too, I know I'm not crazy. But for now, I am in the waiting line. Or that's what I call it. A place where we are friends, but given the opportune moment something will happen. I'm just afraid it might be too late. And there is the whole issue with the fact I have a VERY VERY hard time with emotions and feelings. As I said overtime I've learned not to get attached, not to feel. Right now I can't have James, which makes me want him even more. But what if I am given the chance, would I still want it? And since I am so used to being numb with boys, what if afterward I feel nothing for him? I'm sure he has his concerns too. I sometimes wonder if I maybe am too complicated for him. He knows about my past and I'm pretty sure he know I try to cover alot of my feelings too. Regardless of what might happen, what is for sure is that he considers me a good, close friend, as I do him. And really that's all I could want. When I'm with him, I forget everything, and I am happy.
'