Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street In Ten Minutes
SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
(In 10 minutes)
[Ah! Welcome to London, Englan, 1846. That’s 14 years after the French Revolution of 1832, and the same year that a cute kid named Oliver wanders the streets and causes a lot of trouble somehow, if anyone’s keeping track.]
Chorus: Sweeney Todd was a barber. He was a little crazy. He lived on Fleet Street. He killed people. He was a demon. This is his story.
[The docks! London Docks.]
Anthony Hope Golly gee whiz! I sure do love London, how about you, Mr. Todd?
Sweeney Todd: Hate it.
Anthony: But why, Mr. Todd? It’s swell!
Sweeney: …eh…
[SUDDENLY! A crazy old beggar woman enters! She’s not important. At all.]
Beggar Woman: Ehehehehehe! I’m poor, can I have some money?
Sweeney: …No.
Beggar Woman: Wot about sex, then? Hey, you look familiar!
Anthony: Like your dead girlfriend?
Sweeney: No! GO AWAY!
[She scampers off.]
Anthony: Awww, relax, she’s just crazy. Lots of those in London.
Sweeney: Tell me about it.
Anthony: Well, you see, here in London we-
Sweeney: Save it.
Anthony: Okay. Um, Mr. Todd, since we’re friends and I picked you up from that raft in the middle of the ocean somewhere near Australia I was wondering… if you need money…
Sweeney: Money? Hell no. Never. No money.
Anthony: What about sex?
Sweeney: None of that. I learned my lesson.
Anthony: Alright, sir, but, how do you plan on living?
Sweeney: Prostitution.
Anthony: …
Sweeney: I’m off to visit an old friend… and my wife..
[Fleet Street. Where, if you haven’t guessed, the story takes place. We are specifically in Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pie Shop. The place is EMPTY with a capital EMPTY. Lovett is making pies.]
Lovett: Pies! Pies! Pies!
[Sweeney enters]
Lovett: HOLY SHIT A CUSTOMER! I haven’t seen one in weeks! You see, the business here sucks because I’ve got wot the people like to call the worst pies in London. They’re really that bad. Have one. [She throws one at Sweeney] Now, eat that and let me tell you something, my friend, Mrs. Mooney, she makes pies, too. But she makes them out of cat. Now, there’s something wrong with that. Isn’t that pie terrible? Just, spit it out, it’s all good. No one comes in here, anyways. Not even the mice.
Sweeney: … So… You have a room above your pie shop. Can I have it?
Lovett:… I suppose. But, 15 years ago, bad stuff happened up there.
Sweeney: What? Murder? Rape?
Lovett: Funny you should mention that… You see, 15 years ago, there was a REALLY HOT GUY who lived up there named Benjamin Barker. He had a wife named Lucy and a kid named Johanna. Now, these two guys, a Judge and a Beadle (probably Bumble) really wanted Lucy. So, they sent Benjamin off to Australia for no real reason. This really sucked, so Lucy got upset. Then, the Beadle was all ooh, poor you, come to the Judge’s, he’s sick. So, Lucy goes. And there, there’s this wild wild party, and the Judge comes out, NAKED and RAPES HER and no one does ANYTHING about it because they’re DRUNK. THE END!
Sweeney: NOOOOO! MY WIFE! MY LUUUUUCY!
Lovett: Oh my god. You’re Benjamin Barker. andIjustsaidyouwerehot.
Sweeney: It’s Todd. Sweeney Todd. And if you call me that again, I’ll kill you.
Lovett: More then that, I’d hope.
Sweeney: … Where’s Lucy?
Lovett: She poised herself with arsenic. I tried to help but it was too late. Then the Judge took Johanna and they’re living together and it’s all good. So, feel free to have your house-area again. You can be a barber. I’ve got your razors, right here. [She magically pulls them out]
Sweeney: Shiiinyyy… I love them.
Lovett: doyouloveme?Iloveyou
Sweeney:I’m going to get revenge.
Lovett: I’m all for that, dearie.
Chorus: *foreshadows*
[Now, to Kearney’s LKearney ane. Where this 16-year-old blonde dolt is looking at birds and singing. But, this is normal. It’s a musical, after all.]
Johanna: Birdies! I want to be a birdie! Then I could fly away from here instead of just singing and being stuck in my cage. It’s a metaphorical cage, unlike yours, birdies. Wheeee!
[All of a sudden! Anthony enters! Being an idiot.]
Anthony: OH MY GOD! HOTTIE! LOOK! LOOK DOWN HERE! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE! LOOK HERE! YOU ARE SO HOT! I NEED TO HAVE YOUR BABIES!
Johanna: Birdie birdie birdie!
[They both look at each other at the same time. It’s a match made in musical heaven! THEN!]
Beggar Woman: I still need money! And sex!
[Johanna leaves]
Anthony: Hey, you don’t happen to know, by any chance, the name of that hot young thing up there, do you?
Beggar Woman: That’s… Johanna. She’s the ward of Judge Turpin. That’s his house. SEX ME!
Anthony: NO! [Beggar Woman leaves]. Oooh… Johanna… How I love her… I must have her… I want her…
[Clearly, Anthony buys a bird and holds it up for Johanna to see and try to get. She comes down and gets the bird, and sparks fly AGAIN! Unfortunately, the bird does not die.]
Anthony: I love you.
[THEN! Enter Judge Turpin and The Beadle. ]
Judge Turpin: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER YOU MEAN NASTY BOY! AWAAAAY!
Johanna: But! Daddy!
Anthony: Daddy?
Judge: More or less. AWAY URCHIN! BEGONE! BEFORE I SICK THE BEADLE ON YOU! LET ME NOT SEE YOU HERE AGAIN OR I WILL KILL YOU MYSELF! THIS TOP HAT AIN’T JUST FOR SHOW YOU KNOW! Now. Upstairs, Johanna. And on your knees…
[Johanna scurries inside as The Beadle kills the bird just to bother Anthony and make a mess and what not. The Beadle and the Judge go inside.]
Anthony: Johanna! NOoooooooooooooo! I want to… steal her… virginity….
[The streets. Not Fleet Street. Some other one. With a cart. And a cute kid outside banging on a drum.]
Lovett: Look, Mr. Todd! That’s him! The barber!
Sweeney: Looks easy enough.
Lovett: Oh, him? That’s just his help. He sells stuff.
[To prove a point…]
Tobias Ragg: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! IF YOU ARE BALD! BUY THIS! IT IS CHEAP AND WORKS REAL GOOD! LOOK AT ME! I MAY ONLY BE FIFTEEN BUT I’VE GOT MESELF A FULL HEAD OF HAIR JUST FROM USING THIS HERE STUFF FOR 30 DAYS! BUY IT AND YOU’LL SEE!
Lovett: SMELLS BAD!
Sweeney: IT’S URINE!
Crowd: EW! WE WANT TO SEE PIRELLI! WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK! YOU SUCK KID!
Toby: Aaaah! LEAVE ME ALONE!
[THEN! Signor Adolfo Pirelli enters. He’s flamboyant.]
Signor Adolfo Pirelli: Who Heah daresa to questiona mya miracle elixera?
Sweeney: I do. And I’m a better barber.
Pirelli: I’ll takea thata bet! For whata price?
Sweeney: My razors.
Razors: *sparkle*
Pirelli: Why the hell not?
[The two men engange in a shaving contest, with the Beadle who just HAPPENS to be there be the judge. Pirelli making endless babble about how awesome he is. In the end, SWEENEY WINS!]
Crowd: HURRAH!
Pirelli: Finea! Buta Iama stilla more famous then youa!
Sweeney: But not for long….
Pirelli: what was that?
Sweeney: nooooothing. Come on, Lovett. Let’s get back to our shop.
Beadle: WAIT! Don’t I know you?
Sweeney: Why is EVERYONE asking me that? No. You don’t.
Lovett: He’s never been to the city. Ever.
Sweeney: First time. Really. Honest. But I’ve heard you’re pretty cool. And don’t help rape people.
Beadle: Oh, you are so right! So, where is your shop?
Lovett: Fleet Street. Above my pie shop. Awesome pies. Come eat them.
Beadle: OK. I’ll be there before Tuesday! Maybe I’ll bring the Judge, too!
Sweeney: And I’ll do it for free! no guarantee the mortician will
Beadle: What was that?
Sweeney: Nothing.
[Beadle exits. Lovett and Sweeney do a happy dance and go to Fleet Street.]
Chorus: Sweeney had a plan. And it was working.
[Fleet Street. Again. Lovett is baking and the Beggar Woman is around.]
Beggar Woman: I don’t want sex from you.
Lovett: It’s mutual, dearie. NOW OUT! YOU WILL RUIN MY PLAN! [The Beggar Woman scuttles out.]
[Lovett grabs a chair and goes upstairs to the barber shop.]
Lovett: Now, Mr. T, I’ve got you a chair. It’ll have to do until we get you a good one.
Sweeney: Where the hell are they?
Lovett: Delivery? Oh, they’ll be here soon enough. It’s not even one yet.
Sweeney: The Judge and the Beadle! They said before Tuesday!
Lovett: And who said it’s Tuesday? It’s only Tues--- Oh.
Sweeney: Yeah. Oh.
Lovett: Well, you could… uh… Chill.
Sweeney: Chill?
Lovett: Yes. Chill. And have sex. With me.
Sweeney: What is it with every woman and wanting to have sex with me?
Lovett: It’s gotta be those eyes. Or your skill with your hands. Or both. At the same time.
[Enter Anthony, saving Sweeney from awkwardness.]
Anthony: FINALY! I thought I’d never find you!
Sweeney: And I hoped to lose you. What do you want, Anthony?
Anthony: Oh, well… whose this fine lady? Your wife?
Lovett: All in good time.
Sweeney: No.
Anthony: Lady friend?
Lovett: More or less.
Sweeney: No.
Anthony: Sister?
Lovett: Not a chance in hell!
Sweeney: Buisness partner.
Lovett: Oh, fine, if that’s the way you want to be about it!
Anthony: But, story time. I was on Kerney’s lane, stalking this girl and a KEY fell from her WINDOW. Now, I haven’t seen her in WEEKS. Her Father has locked her up! But then a key fell! And I knew, I knew that Johanna loved me!
Lovett: …Jo…hanna…?
Anthony: Yes! Her father is Judge Turpin! Anyways, I’m going to steal her and hide her here. Is that okay?
Lovett: Sure. My house, my rules. If I say take off your pants and have sex with me, that’s how it goes. And I says she can hide here.
Anthony: Oh, thank you! Thank you! [He leaves.]
Sweeney: My daughter?
Lovett: Yes. Crazy as her mother.
Sweeney: What?
Lovett: NEVER MIND! Anyways. She’ll be here, you can meet her and kill the kid. It’ll be great. Then we can go off and have sex.
Sweeney: It’s perfect.
Lovett: Oh! I knew you’d agree!
Sweeney: He’ll bring here here, I can meet her and kill the kid!
Lovett: … You’re missing a part, dear.
[Bell rings. It’s TOBY AND PIRELLI! ZOMGS!]
Pirelli: Bonjourno.
Lovett: Hi.
Sweeney: What do you want?
Pirelli: To talk of business.
[Toby and Lovett exit so Lovett can break Toby’s teeth with pies and they can bond.]
Lovett: Here. Pie. And ale. Drink up. It’s good for your teeth.
Toby: Yes, ma’am! [He eats and they bond]
[Upstairs]
Pirelli: I won.
Sweeney: what?
Pirelli: The bet. I won. Now, you work for me.
Sweeney: …Dude, where did your accent go?
Pirelli: I’m not Italian! I am actually… IRISH!
Sweeney: GASP!
Pirelli: AND! I used to work for you as a child for a few weeks! I know those razors, I know who you are, and you are now going to give me 50 percent of your prophets or I will go STRAIGHT to the judge.
Sweeney: Or, I could kill you.
[Sweeney starts to strangle Pirelli, and throws him in the trunk just as Toby comes upstairs.]
Toby: Where did the guvoner go? He has to pick up his cape from the drycleaners.
Sweeney: …He left. Go have another pie. And ale.
Toby: Yes, sir! [He exits, Sweeney opens the trunk and slashes Pirelli’s throat. Toby gets more gin and life is good.]
Chorus: It didn’t hurt that bad when Sweeney killed people.
[Close up on: The Judge.]
Judge: Now, to JAIL WITH YOU! UNGRATEFUL TWIT! [man goes to jail, and he leaves work for the day and meets up with the Beadle.]
Judge: I’m going to get married.
Beadle: Awesome. Whose the lucky girl?
Judge: Johanna.
[Johanna’s bedroom. She’s in there. With Anthony.]
Johanna: Father’s going to marry me on Monday, and I don’t want to and I’m scared and I’m going to kill myself please, please, kiss me, I loved you forever and I knew you wouldn’t leave me and you’d come to me and please please please kiss me and let’s have sex.
Anthony: I’ll marry you, I love you, we’ll escape, we’ll get married tomorrow it’ll be great, I’m going to kiss you, I’m going to kiss you, I’m going to kiss you.
Johanna: He’s here! It’s the gate!
Anthony: You don’t have a gate.
Johanna: OK! KISS ME!
Anthony: OKAY! [He kisses Johanna and we leave them alone for a few minutes.]
[Street again. Judge and Beadle.]
Judge: But, Johanna isn’t happy.
Beadle: That’s because women suck, frankly. She’s PMSing and I think you need to get shaved. I know a great place. Sweeney Todd’s.
Judge: Sweeney Todd’s?
Beadle: That’s right.
[By this time, they are right outside Johanna’s room and are too stupid to see what she’s doing to Anthony.]
Johanna: That was good. Let’s get married. RIGHT NOW.
Anthony: OKAY!
Beadle: Sweeney Todd’s.
Johanna: Kiss me.
Anthony: FUCK me.
Judge: Let’s go.
[And, they’re off, leaving Anthony and Johanna alone again.]
[Fleet Street.]
Lovett: Toby… You should leave now. You’re not paying for those pies, and I know it.
Toby: But! The guvnor isn’t here. I can’t leave.
Lovett: gimme a second…
[She goes upstairs. Sweeney is cleaning his razor.]
Lovett: Where’s Pirelli?
Sweeney: In hell.
[She sits on the trunk.]
Lovett: No. Seriously. Where?
Sweeney: Below.
Lovett: …No. Where is he?
Sweeney: In. The. God. Damned. Trunk. Woman.
[Lovett hops up and looks inside. Lots of blood. She slams it, then opens it again, is interested and closes it. Then she opens it again and takes out Pirelli’s purse and puts it down her shirt. Sweeney gives her an odd look.]
Lovett: What? That’s what god made cleavage for.
Sweeney: What about the kid now? Can I kill him, too?
Lovett: NO! I LOVE HIM! [Sweeney gives her an odd look.] I mean… he’s cute… And can sell things…
Sweeney: And drinks all the ale.
Lovett: And drinks all the ale. Now…
[Enter The Judge.]
Sweeney: Lovett, fuck off.
[Lovett exits.]
Sweeney: Now, sit down, and I’ll kill you.
Judge: Kill?
Sweeney: Did I say kill? I mean shave. Shave shave shave. So, what do you like?
Judge: Pretty women.
Sweeney: Who doesn’t?
Judge: So, whose the fox you were with?
Sweeney: My business partner.
Judge: Too bad.
Sweeney:… So, um… women.
Judge: Pretty women.
Sweeney: I knew a pretty one once. Her name was Lucy. Lucy Barker.
Judge: What did you say?
Sweeney: Nothing! So! Why the shave?
Judge: I’m getting married. To my ward. Johanna.
[Sweeney’s grip tightens, and is about to kill the man when all of the sudden…]
Anthony: [Entering] I’m gonna marry Johanna tomorrow!
Judge: [Standing up] WHAT? YOU! Well, that’s it! I’m leaving and locking Johanna someplace where YOU CAN’T FIND HER! THAT’LL TEACH YOU! AND YOU! BARBER! YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN! [He exits.]
Sweeney:. you… FUCK UP. GET OUT! [Anthony leaves, and Lovett comes up.]
Lovett: Oh. Shit.
Sweeney: Oh shit is right. Now, I’m going to make a plan to get the Judge back because I was thisclose to killing him and now the sailor fucked it up and I’m going to kill everyone who comes in here from now on! Hahaha! Because we all die at some point and these guys sooner and we all deserve it, too, hahahaha!
Lovett: … What about the body?
Sweeney: We’ll bury him. Tonight.
Lovett: …We could… Or… we could… bake him into a pie.
Sweeney: What?
Lovett: Think about it. We dispose of the bodies into unsuspecting bodies who come up here and get turned into bodies and it’s the circle of life! Only, with baked goods and what not. It’ll be great!
Sweeney: You… are… amazing. I think I love you!
Lovett: Really?
Sweeney: …Not really. But I’ll humor you for tonight. Let’s go.
Lovett: SCORE!
Sweeney: That’s the idea!
[And, they exit.]
[A few months later… on Fleet Street.]
Toby: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THESE PIES ROCK!
Crowd: OH YES THEY DO! THEY ARE AMAZING!
Lovett: And so am I! Oh, and you don’t suspect a thing! GET OUT BEGGAR WOMAN!
[Sweeney calls from the window]
Sweeney: Where the hell is my chair?
Lovett: Chillax, remember?
Crowd: MORE PEOPLE PIES!
Lovett: HANG ON!
[Sweeney calls again]
Sweeney: It’s heeeeeere! And it’s beautiful! Get up here and check it out!
Lovett: Fine! [She goes upstairs.] Oh, god, it’s amazing. And, I’m not just talking about the chair.
Sweeney: Just gotta fix a few more things… go give them pies.
[Downstairs.]
Lovett: More pies?
Crowd: YES PLEASE!
[Sweeney calls again]
Sweeney: Get inside and I’ll show you something awesome.
[Lovett goes inside to the bake house. ]
Sweeney: Now, when you’re in place, I’m going to pound on the floor three times, okay?
Lovett: Got it.
Sweeney: Then you do it back.
Lovett: Check.
Sweeney: Go! [He pounds three times. She pounds twice.] Three fucking times! How hard is that to get?
Lovett: Sorry. I get it. Now, CUSTOMERS!
Crowd: PIES!
[A customer abandons his pie and goes upstairs to get shaved. Sweeney kills him, and Lovett goes inside. He pounds three times, she pounds three times, and down the shoot slides the dead man and Lovett makes pies and people eat. It works.]
Toby: Eat them pies!
Crowd: GOD THEY’RE GOOD!
[Streets, again. Anthony is pacing.]
Anthony: Johanna, how I miss you. I love you. I need you. Oh, baby, please, come, reveal yourself to me.
[Fleet Street]
Sweeney: Johanna, how I miss you. I love you. I need you.
[He goes about killing people as he sings. It’s a beautiful thing.]
Beggar Woman: Everyone! Mrs. Lovett is a bad person! Smell the smells coming from her oven! Its’ like… a BONE FIRE EHEHEHEHEHE! Now, sex me!
[Fogg’s Asylum, Anthony is walking by. Johanna appears in the window.]
Johanna: Oh, Anthony, I loooooove you! Birds, birds, birds!
Anthony: Johanna! [She leaves.] Hey! You! There! Where is this place?
Man: Fogg’s Asylum. Where they put crazies.
[Anthony beats on the door as The Beadle comes out.]
Anthony: Oh! You! You can help me! I must get to Johanna.
Beadle: Johanna… Turpin…?
Anthony: Yes!
Beadle: NEVER! [He calls the police, who grab Anthony, who gets away.] After them! Don’t let him get away!
[Fleet Street]
[The parlour. It’s a nice one.]
Lovett: Twinkle Twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are! Tadaaaa!
Sweeney: …
Lovett: So, let’s see.. We made good money today, we did! You know what?
Sweeney: what?
Lovett: If we keep this up, we can go to the sea!
Sweeney: The sea?
Lovett: The sea! We’ll have lots and lots of sex, and fish, and you’ll write letters, I’ll knit sweater, have guests, kill them, bake, go on walks, have sex, and get married! Who cares if you’re still married? Mormons do it all the time! Doesn’t that sound like a plan?
Sweeney: … Sure.
Lovett: Oh! I love you! [She kisses him] Do you love me? [He’s silent.] A little bit?
Sweeney: …yes…
Lovett: GREAT! Let’s go get married. Right. Now.
Sweeney: But, Lucy…
Lovett: Pshaw! Who cares about her? I’m here, I’m hot, and I want it! Here! A bong bong! [She gives him one, and kisses him.] Since Albert died 17 years ago, I’m going to wear white.
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you are nowhere near a virgin.
Lovett: … The church doesn’t know that.
[Enter Anthony.]
Anthony: I HAVE FOUND JOHANNA! She’s in an insane asylum.
Sweeney: Well, works just fine.
Anthony: I intend to break her out.
Sweeney: …Oh. No. I meant that you two could live their just fine and dandy for the rest of your life. …Wait. Johanna is in an ASYLUM?
Anthony: Yes. Now, teach me about hair. I’m going to become a wigmaker and get her out!
Sweeney: Alright. What color is her hair?
Anthony: …Yellow.
Sweeney: You’ve got an awfully long way to go. Follow me.
[They exit]
Chorus: Sweeney wasn’t going to wait this time. Last time, it was bad.
[Back in the parlour, Anthony has completed his Galindificaiton.]
Anthony: I know everything about hair.
Sweeney: Good. Here’s money. And a gun. Kill if you must.
Anthony: No problem!
[Anthony sets off]
[Sweeney goes to write a letter.]
Letter: Dear Judge Turpin. Anthony has stolen Johanna. She’s coming to my house. Come get her. Free complementary shave. <3 Sweeney Todd
[He leaves.]
[Elsewhere on Fleet Street… Lovett is sitting, knitting, and Toby is being cute.]
Toby: I closed the shop.
Lovett: good boy. Now, look at this scarf! And it’s just for you!
Toby: Coo! For me?
Lovett: But of course!
Toby: You are such a good person, mum. I think you must be an angel.
Lovett: Far from it, dear.
Toby: You know, if anything bad ever came and wanted to hurt you, I’d hurt it first.
Lovett: Unless it had a +10 Razor of Pain.
Toby: [Cuddling up to her] Even if it was a man.
Lovett: …With a +10 Razor of Pain?
Toby: Ahuh. Because, I won’t let nothing touch you, because I’m a big strong guy. I may not be smart but I can do whatever I want to do and I love you and I won’t let anyone hurt you. Especially not Mr. Todd.
Lovett: …Mr. Todd?
Toby: Yes. I know you have a shrine to him in your room, but he’s not a good person. I think he may be doing bad things.
Lovett: …Not possible. Sorry. Try again tomorrow.
Toby: So I’ll keep you safe.
Lovett: How about a bongbong? [She reaches into her purse]
Toby: ZOMG! THAT’S PIRELLI’S PURSE! THIS CONFIRMS MY THEORY! MR. TODD IS KILLING PEOPLE!
Lovett: You’re delusional. Not a chance in hell. Besides, Mr. T gave me that purse. For my birthday. Sorry. Try again.
Toby: But-
Lovett: Now, Toby, I won’t let anything bad happen to you, either. Because, you’re like the son I’ve never had, so don’t you worry your silly little head, okay?
Toby: But! Mr. Todd!
Lovett: …How would you like to help me bake the pies?
Toby: coo!
Lovett: Follow me.
[She takes him into the bake house.]
Toby: Smells bad.
Lovett: That’s the rot, dear. From the dead bodies.
Toby: What?
Lovett: Nothing, dear. Now, you can start by grinding the meat. You put it through the grinder three times, got it?
Toby: Got it!
Lovett: Okay. Now, you practice. I’ll be right back. [She leaves and blows him a kiss, running up the stairs, locking it and putting the key in her pocket] MR. TODD! MR. TODD! DANGER! DANGER!
Beadle: Mrs. Lovett! Mrs. Lovett!
Lovett: MR. TODD! MR. TODD!
Beadle: [Sits and plays the Harmonium, singing, as Mrs. Lovett enters.] Twinkle twinkle little star! How I wonder what you are!
Lovett: [Entering] Wot are you doing here?
Beadle: Playing music. Care to join me?
Lovett: … okay…
Lovett and Beadle: Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky! Twinkle twinkle little star!
Toby from the bakehouse: How I wonder what you are!
Beadle: What is that?
Lovett: Toby. He’s in the bakehouse. Locked in there. We locked him in there because he ran away. Mr. T has the key. I don’t have it. Not in my pocket.
Beadle: So there’s no chance we can go in there and investigate the smell coming from the oven?
Lovett: Not a chance. Mr. Todd will be back shortly, if you want to wait for him in the barber shop. He’ll give you a free shave, too…
Beadle: I’d rather sing.
Lovett: fine. [She sits, and they sing again, and soon enough, Sweeney enters.]
Sweeney: What is he doing here?
Lovett: Pollution control.
Sweeney: Noise pollution?
Lovett: And he wants to go see the bakehouse, but I told him you had the key, but you’d also gladly do him in. I mean… do his hair. E
Beadle: Will you?
Sweeney: Why not? [They ascend the stairs.]
[Meanwhile, in the bake house… Toby is eating a pie.]
Toby: Tasty, tasty pie! And oh me oh my, what’s this? A hair? Black? Oh, that’s not Mrs. Lovett’s. Must be a cow. [he keeps eating] What is it this time? A… A fingernail? Oh me oh my!
[The Beadle comes down the chute dead. Toby screams his ASS OFF. No one hears him. Because in the Bakehouse… No one can hear you scream.]
[Upstairs…]
Sweeney: [Entering] It’s done. He’s dead. Let’s do something about it.
Lovett: SHIT! I forgot about Toby. He’s still in the bakehouse. He knows! We have to do something!
Sweeney: But, the Judge!
Lovett: Shove it up your ass. Let’s go! [They enter the bakehouse, searching.]
Chorus: Sweeney was going crazy, pretty much.
[Fogg’s asylum]
Loonies: weeeee! Craaaazy!
[Anthony enters, with Fogg.]
Anthony: Ahem. As a wigmaker, I’m looking for hair.
Fogg: Yes.
Anthony: And I have money. Whose hair can I Have? I need blonde.
Fogg: How about this kid? [offering]
Anthony: No.
Fogg: This kid? [offering]
Anthony: No. [Anthony spies Johanna.] That one!
Fogg: Her? She’s crazy. Sings constantly.
Anthony: … It’s an insane asylum. They’re all crazy.
Fogg: …Good point. Now, where to cut?
[Johanna looks up.]
Johanna: ANTHONY!
Anthony: JOHANNA!
Fogg: WHAT?
Anthony: [With gun] Unhand her!
Fogg: Never! [He runs with the scissors, and Anthony looses his nerve and drops the gun. Johanna picks it up and shoots Fogg and they run off while the lunatics tear down the walls and run about being loonies. Anthony sheds his costume.]
Johanna: So, we’re still getting married, right?
Anthony: Yes.
Johanna: That was last August… Let’s have sex.
Anthony: …What?
[Bakehouse]
Lovett: Toby! Ollyollyoxenfree!
Sweeney: Come out come out wherever you are!
[The Beggar Woman wanders around.]
Beggar Woman: Beadle? Beadle? Where are you? I neeeed you! You’re hiiiding! We need to get rid of the womaaaan! Where aaaaare you? [She walks towards the bakehouse]
[Barbershop. Anthony and Johanna are there. Johanna is dressed as a sailor.]
Anthony: Wait here. Nothing bad will happen. Stay here. You look like a guy, so it’s all good.
Johanna: Hurry back! I love you!
Beggar Woman: Beadle! Where aaaaaaare you????
[Johanna sits in the chair, then as the Beggar Woman’s voice draws nearer, jumps into the trunk now devoid of bodies and hides just as the Beggar Woman enters]
Beggar Woman: …This looks familiar…
[Sweeney enters.]
Sweeney: Get OUT! OUT! …No time. The Judge! [He slits her throat, and throws her down the chute as The Judge enters.]
Judge: Where’s Johanna?
Sweeney: With Mrs. Lovett. Having tea. But, before you get her, I say, get shaved.
Judge: good plan. Now, about them pretty women…
Sweeney: Yes. Pretty women…
Judge: My Johanna…
Sweeney: She pretty?
Judge: Yes.
Sweeney: Like her mother?
Judge: Yes… What? Do I know you?
Sweeney: Yes. It’s me… BENJAMIN BARKER! [He kills the Judge and sends him down below.] Now, razor, that we have done our job, you may sleep… [He stops.] The boy! [Quickly, he runs downstairs just as Johanna exits the trunk. Suddenly, Sweeney realizes he has forgotten his razor and runs back upstairs to see Johanna dressed as a boy.]
Sweeney: You! How much have you seen?
Johanna: [Low, man voice] Not much, sir. I just… need… shave.
Sweeney: I’ll bet you do… [He moves to cut her throat when all of the sudden! Mrs. Lovett screams from downstairs and Johanna makes a run for it. Grabbing his razor, Sweeney runs down into the bakehouse.]
Chorus: Sweeney was killing people left and right. And he liked it.
[The Bakehouse, where Mrs. Lovett is hitting The Judge with her rolling pin. He dies, and she goes over to the bodies, trying to get the Beggar Woman to the oven first. Something happens.]
Lovett: Oh. Fuck. I’m burning you first. That’s it. To the oven! Now! [She opens the doors to the oven and walks back to the Beggar Woman.]
[Sweeney enters.]
Sweeney: What happened?
Lovett: [standing in front of the corpse of the Beggar Woman] He was trying to get one last roll in the hay before he died. It’s okay now.
Sweeney: Here, let me help you. [He moves towards the Beggar Woman.]
Lovett: NO!
Sweeney: Are you high? [He grabs the Beggar Woman, and something happens again. He looks up at Lovett.] … Oh. Em. Eff. Gee.
Lovett: Um… yeah.
Sweeney: [Looking up.] You! You did this! You knew the entire time that Lucy was still alive! You knew! And you lied!
Lovett: …Technically, I didn’t lie. I just said she poisoned herself, not that she died. I didn’t think you wanted to know who she was anymore! I did this because I love you and I want you and our sex was better, anyways. You have to admit it!
[During all this, Sweeney, who has been romancing his dead wife, looks up suddenly at Lovett.]
Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett, you’re amazing.
Lovett: Really?
Sweeney: Really. [He hugs her] Tango?
[They tango]
Lovett: Oh, I love you!
Sweeney: I love you too!
Lovett: Can we still get married? Now that she’s dead good and proper?
Sweeney: Of course! You’re so great. It’ll be amazing. [Lovett cuddles up to him as they draw nearer to the oven.]
Lovett: I’d do anything for you.
Sweeney: Would you crawl belly deep through hell?
Lovett: Baby, I’d die for you.
Sweeney: Good. Ladies first! [He shoves her into the oven and closes it as she burns to death. And ladies and gentlemen, that is what we call karma. Sweeney moves over towards his wife, holding her.]
Sweeney: I love you. I was a bad husband while I thought you were dead. I love you.
[Toby enters, his hair all white.]
Toby: Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, eating his Christmas pie… He stuck in his thumb. And pulled out a plum. And said- [he notices Mr. Todd.] Mr. Todd. You killed the old woman, too? And everyone else? I said you was a bad person, I did. You shouldn’t kill people. [He finds the razor and plays with it.] He stuck in his thumb. And pulled out a plum. And said what a good boy am I! [He slashes Sweeney’s throat, and Sweeney dies. Toby gets up, puts down the razor and goes to the meat grinder.] Three times. Smoooth meat. Smooooth. [The police enter, with Johanna and Anthony. They all stand there like idiots, Johanna and Anthony in complete and udder shock. Toby grinds the meat. And then looks up.]
Toby: Sweeney Todd was a barber. He was a little crazy. He lived on Fleet Street. He killed people. He was a demon. That was his story.
(Idea stolen from cleolinda from m15m)
In other news, House owns my soul.