Sep 15, 2006 08:15
So I've been trying my best to stay in the closet while I'm at school, mostly because I get tired of hearing the big four statements (You're not asexual because you love slash, you're heterosexual because you draw slash and love gay men, you're not asexual because you comment on how pretty people are and think it's cute when men kiss, you're not asexual because you dated).
I wish I was like most of the rest of you, so sure of my orientation that every time I heard one of these remarks, I just brushed it off. Non. Every single one hurts really badly and some even make me question myself for hours on end. And then the hurt makes me wonder "what am I hurt for? Are they right? Am I just lying?" But then why is it that if left to my own devices, the questioning never comes up?
When I am attacked for some "violation of what [we're] supposed to act like", it just takes too long to explain myself to people. "When I say 'sexy' I mean it in the same way as one would say 'cool' or 'shibby'" (heard a lady on Iron Chef say 'This is sexy soup' and liked it so much that I adopted it as an adjective for nondescript things)."
"Damnit, there's a difference between reading/drawing and actual doing! I don't want it for me, you silly person."
"When you say 'couple' or 'dating' I don't automatically think sex."
"Hell, when you say 'sex' I don't automatically think of the act, even!"
It's like I talk about it because back in high school, it'd come up and we'd have a laugh, but at the same time, it's the farthest thing from my mind. But you know people. Gotta explain everything in two sentences or less most of the time. How am I supposed to explain that last one in six seconds?
So if I have to reduce my actions into 2 second sound bites for someone, why do I care what the moron thinks of me?
Oh, and heaven help me when I get those ugly, infrequent flares of sexuality (like sun flares, only rare). I know others of us get them (please tell me I'm right) but they really hurt. A lot.
I wish I could be asexual and a slasher at the same time.
I wish I didn't care what people thought of me.
I wish I could stay properly closeted
I wish I fecking knew what they think an asexual is supposed to act like so I could do it and they'd all just leave me the heck alone.