end-of-summer blues
The summer is nearly over and I leave for college in 5 days. Monday morning, I'll be on a plane to California. I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I'll be so far away. Almost all my friends are leaving before me. It's hard to say goodbye to everyone; I know I won't see a lot of them again. Not for a long time, anyway.
I'm starting to worry I made a mistake. Am I going to be okay out there all alone? Am I going to be able to work hard enough to make my dreams come true? Am I chasing the right dream? I'm just so worried that I'm making a mistake or something. But, I know I need to believe in myself. I've wanted this for so long. Maybe I'm just freaking out because it's so close within my grasp.
This summer has been interesting. I think I've really started to grow into myself. I'm coming into my own and realizing what kind of person I am and want to be and what kind of person I am looking for in the future.
And I know I'm lonely. I came across a great guy this summer only to realize that we're impossible. He'll be in southern Virginia while I'll be in southern Cali. We connect, I'm comfortable with him and our personalities mesh well. There are obviously flaws because no one is perfect, but instead of running away at the first signs of those flaws, I was simply interested in helping those flaws that can be mended (i.e. things that cause self-destruction) and was able to accept those flaws inherent to his personality. I find that to be way more grown up then I've ever been inthis situation. instead of wanting to change things or avoid him because of little imperfections, I was willing and able to accept them. That's the real basis for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I may have invested a little too much emotion in him. I think I fell too hard, too quickly and sadly we don't even have a chance. Our timing was horrible. I keep wishing things like "he went to a school on the west coast" , "that I'd actually applied to CNU or chosen VCU" or that "we'd been in the same class in high school instead of 2 years apart" but it's fruitless. We are the way we are and I wouldn't actually want to change that. The knowledge that he's there and I can't truly have him is what hurts.
I don't like this lonely thing. I know that it's been following me like a dark cloud for years and yet I can't seem to let it go. I let relationships that could've worked in the past fizzle out for simple stupid reasons. I think because I was afraid of letting myself be close to someone. I let a great guy get away this past year and now he's with my best friend, happy and in love. Seeing that made me come to the clonclusion that I needed to get over myself. I thought that because he liked me, even more guys would and I wanted to play the field instead of letting him sweep me off my feet. That should've been a clue that he wasn't exactly what i wanted in the first place. It still hurt when he fell for my best friend, and when she fell for him. What I want is what they have, I just need my own guy for it and I'm scared that maybe I passed him by. Or that this guy this summer is my only chance, when we don't even have one. what if I find no one else and end up alone forever? God, I'm too young to be thinking that tho, right?
Gaa....I know I'd make a great girlfriend; I could make someone happy. I want to be that girl for someone and I want the chance to show my true colors. I am loyal and honest. My instinct when I care for someone is to want to be with them and to be concerned for them and interested in them. When I care for someone, it's whole-heartedly. I just want someone who will accept me for me because I know I'm ready to accept him for him. I yearn for a true love story. It doesn't even need to be super exciting and full of surprising twists and turns, I just want to feel wanted and needed. All I need is a litte patience. And some faith in myself.
man, it feels good to vent.
I'm starting to worry I made a mistake. Am I going to be okay out there all alone? Am I going to be able to work hard enough to make my dreams come true? Am I chasing the right dream? I'm just so worried that I'm making a mistake or something. But, I know I need to believe in myself. I've wanted this for so long. Maybe I'm just freaking out because it's so close within my grasp.
This summer has been interesting. I think I've really started to grow into myself. I'm coming into my own and realizing what kind of person I am and want to be and what kind of person I am looking for in the future.
And I know I'm lonely. I came across a great guy this summer only to realize that we're impossible. He'll be in southern Virginia while I'll be in southern Cali. We connect, I'm comfortable with him and our personalities mesh well. There are obviously flaws because no one is perfect, but instead of running away at the first signs of those flaws, I was simply interested in helping those flaws that can be mended (i.e. things that cause self-destruction) and was able to accept those flaws inherent to his personality. I find that to be way more grown up then I've ever been inthis situation. instead of wanting to change things or avoid him because of little imperfections, I was willing and able to accept them. That's the real basis for a relationship.
Unfortunately, I may have invested a little too much emotion in him. I think I fell too hard, too quickly and sadly we don't even have a chance. Our timing was horrible. I keep wishing things like "he went to a school on the west coast" , "that I'd actually applied to CNU or chosen VCU" or that "we'd been in the same class in high school instead of 2 years apart" but it's fruitless. We are the way we are and I wouldn't actually want to change that. The knowledge that he's there and I can't truly have him is what hurts.
I don't like this lonely thing. I know that it's been following me like a dark cloud for years and yet I can't seem to let it go. I let relationships that could've worked in the past fizzle out for simple stupid reasons. I think because I was afraid of letting myself be close to someone. I let a great guy get away this past year and now he's with my best friend, happy and in love. Seeing that made me come to the clonclusion that I needed to get over myself. I thought that because he liked me, even more guys would and I wanted to play the field instead of letting him sweep me off my feet. That should've been a clue that he wasn't exactly what i wanted in the first place. It still hurt when he fell for my best friend, and when she fell for him. What I want is what they have, I just need my own guy for it and I'm scared that maybe I passed him by. Or that this guy this summer is my only chance, when we don't even have one. what if I find no one else and end up alone forever? God, I'm too young to be thinking that tho, right?
Gaa....I know I'd make a great girlfriend; I could make someone happy. I want to be that girl for someone and I want the chance to show my true colors. I am loyal and honest. My instinct when I care for someone is to want to be with them and to be concerned for them and interested in them. When I care for someone, it's whole-heartedly. I just want someone who will accept me for me because I know I'm ready to accept him for him. I yearn for a true love story. It doesn't even need to be super exciting and full of surprising twists and turns, I just want to feel wanted and needed. All I need is a litte patience. And some faith in myself.
man, it feels good to vent.