soooo, i haven't posted in a long long time...
i am now one semester and a week closer to getting my master's. it still feels a little weird, to tell you the truth, and in a way it scares me.
with a bachelor's degree, you can go in almost any direction when it comes to employment. i mean, it's nice to do something you've been learning about for the past 4 years, but no one looks at you funny if you decide to do something that has nothing to do with your major... in fact, i've been told that most people don't. you can dabble in this and that, change jobs if you want to, change directions if you find that the current path doesn't fit you, go in search of your true passions... those that cannot be taught in any class. and when you've shopped around and found what you are not only comfortable doing, but also can see yourself doing for a while to come, you can decide to settle.
with a master's however, this is not the case... or at least not completely and easily. getting a master's is sort of like a pinkie swear, an honest one at least. by getting a master's you are telling everyone you ever encounter that this is what you want to do in life, nothing else. you are sure and you promise to continue with the chosen career path, because if you don't... well, you're even more in debt, you've lost even more time and you are once again left to figure out your life and yourself... and that sucks. people suddenly see you as an expert in your field, even if in all reality you kind of are not. the pressure to sound intelligent is overbearing. and those easier entry level jobs that definitely have less stress and responsibility attached to them than a higher level job are not an option anymore. when you have a master's, you apply for the jobs that expect a master's. because if you don't, "over-qualified" is written in big, red letters at the top of your resume, and it's simply thrown out. trust me, i saw this being done last summer. i've never been over-qualified for anything, and that status scares me for some reason.
i went straight from college to grad school, so maybe that's what's giving me all of this anxiety. yes, when i interned at icmc in geneva, i was given tasks that an international relations major can only dream of (or at least in my opinion). every day was exciting for me, and every day there made me realize that THIS is what i want to do, THIS is the issue i want to work with. yes, i worked over the summer as an executive assistant and vowed to never settle for something less than what i can accomplish and to do something more with my life and for the world than answer some millionaire's phone and order office supplies. so, why all of the anxiety? maybe it's just that i am one of the 3 or 4 people who are under 25 in the program, that i am in classes with 30 year olds who have truly lived and can now say they want to make a commitment to having a real career in international relations. i never had that chance, i haven't experienced the real life... the life that doesn't include going to class and doesn't include help from my parents. i haven't given myself the time to really think about where i want my life to take me, because my real life hasn't even started yet. i don't want to go out there and have people expect more from me than i believe i can give.
i still find myself setting unrealistic, naive goals, only to realize soon enough that there is no way i can reach them. i still have a hard time seeing what "reality" really is. but, school is slowly making me a cynic... i used to be a dreamer and an idealist, but now whenever my emotions proceed to drive my opinions, the things i have learned in class quickly interrupt. maybe this is a good thing, maybe it will allow me to make more educated and rational decisions in my work, but it makes me angry that everything i used to believe is in danger of being replaced by things the "experts" have taught me. i used to say without hesitation, "child labor is bad and should be banned"... now i say, "only some forms of child labor are bad, and banning them can make things worse". what kind of an advocate will i be? i am more confused now than ever, and confusion isn't a good quality to have out in the field. school... the numbers, the studies, the theories... i have been desensitized. i have sold my soul to academia.
all of this scares me.