(exo) lost
lost
baekyeol, r, 3162 words, tragedy
warning for: character death
“It’s been three years already, when are you coming back?”
The voice reached him but he couldn’t actually hear it. He was extremely tired of voices. Why did they keep remembering him about the existence of time? What did time have to do with him, anyway? For all Chanyeol knew, time was something that only brought him bad things. He couldn’t trust it. It was mischievous and mean and it kept taking things away from him.
“Are you listening to me?”
Chanyeol looked up and saw him. Of course he remembered him. Zitao was that kind of person you can’t forget; he had a really outstanding face. And Chanyeol always thought Baekhyun kind of had a little crush on him back in the day. He never really liked Zitao, to be quite honest, but he always pretended to for Baekhyun's sake. “It isn’t polite to act like that”, he used to say, arms crossed, a pout on his lips. Chanyeol could still remember how he used to wipe Baekhyun’s pout away by kissing him on his neck and making him laugh and laugh until they both would end up falling on their bed and kissing some more.
Sometimes Chanyeol felt like all he could do was remember.
“Why don’t you talk? You used to talk so much and now you’re just-” Zitao sighed, tears filling his eyes. “What happened to you? You don't think this your fault, right? Because it’s not.”
Chanyeol closed his eyes and blocked his ears with both hands. He hated when they started with that it’s not your fault talk. They all would repeat it again and again, and he just felt like screaming at them to stop. As if they knew what happened, as if they were there. They didn’t know shit, but they would still talk and talk and talk and the words would never stop haunting him. It would follow him in his dreams and in his shaking hands and it was painted in blood inside his head.
When he opened his eyes again it was already dark and Zitao was already gone. These kind of things happened a lot lately. Time lost its continuity and there were moments he was so immersed inside his own world, he didn’t even notice the world going by. Chanyeol liked the dark, though. In the dark people didn’t care about how messy his hair was or whatever he was doing. And it was in the dark that Baekhyun would appear.
There were days when he appeared in the form of a sweet, calming light, gently hugging Chanyeol until he finally fell asleep. He liked those days the best. He would whisper nice words in his ear and even sing to him. His voice was still calm and sweet to him and Chanyeol would always wake up with a smile.
And then, there were days when he appeared in blood and bruises, his eyes burning in fever and choking in his words, but Chanyeol knew what he wanted to say. He could still listen to his weak voice trembling with pain.
“Save me.”
Chanyeol reached his blankets, pulling them all the way up, until covering his head under them. He wanted to save him, he tried to, and he tried so hard. He tried to pull him away from his seatbelt but it kept on tightening around his neck, the door crushing his leg. And Chanyeol teared up because he couldn’t save him, he just couldn’t. I didn’t matter how much he prayed and how long he stayed by his side, hearing him sob and choke. The sounds of his dying breath still haunted him and he would reach his hands to nothingness as if trying to save him again. But he just couldn’t save him anymore.
Baekhyun was long gone.
-
The rainy days were the worse, the doctors used to say, giving him heavy medication and checking on him all the time. It happened on a rainy day, he thought, eyes locked on the windows. There were times he imagined himself jumping out, Baekhyun on the ground with open arms, welcoming him to the place he belonged but the bars would always stop him, feeling cold against his skin. He would spent hours just feeling the rain fall on the tip of his nose until someone would come and take him away, saying that he was getting all wet again.
On that day the person was Wu Fan.
They sat him on his bed and he looked at the tall man who as sitting at a chair by his side. Wu Fan would always stay silent for a long time and that was why Chanyeol liked his visits so much. The others talked way too much, meddling and reminding him of things. Reminding him of a time when he wasn’t trapped in a room, and talking and laughing were something easy to do. A time when he used to hug Baekhyun from behind and whisper things in his ears and watch the hair on his arms bristle. A time when he kissed Baekhyun and his mouth wouldn’t taste of blood and tears.
He could still hear Wu Fan’s voice coming from afar, but he wasn’t there anymore. He was at a park bench, the dark sky above him, and an ice cream cone in his hands. He felt Baekhyun’s head resting against his shoulder and he hugged him, placing a kiss on the top of his head.
“Could life get any better?” He whispered, laughing at his own cheesiness. Baekhyun hated that kind of stuff but most of the time, but Chanyeol just couldn’t help himself.
“Of course it could,” said Baekhyun, poking his ribs. “Maybe if we could actually have a date in broad day light. I feel like a vampire only going out at night.”
“I like the night.”
“Of course you do.” He said, his face hidden underneath a hoodie. It was 3 A.M and there was no one around but they still had to be careful. They were famous people now, and if anyone saw what they actually were, things might get complicated. Even more complicated then they already were.
“You’re so small,” Chanyeol laughed, picking on the tip of Baekhyun’s nose, who just brushed him off by shaking his head.
“Not in the right places,” he retorted, smirking and making Chanyeol laugh so much they were scared he would’ve waken up the whole street. He could still remember Baekhyun burying his face on his neck murmuring how embarrassing he was and then something about going home.
The white walls only came into focus again when he felt hot burning tears streaming down his face. No, not the white walls, not this damn place, he thought while he felt his body start to shake violently. He felt Wu Fan’ hands on his, as if he was trying to calm him down, but it was useless. The other placed his arms over Chanyeol’s shoulders, hugging him gently, trying to hold him in its place, whispering calming words in his ear.
“It’s gonna be fine,” he said. “I’ll get you out of here someday. There are hundreds of fans waiting for you and we’re all waiting for you as well. Come back to us.”
Don’t leave me, he could hear Baekhyun’s voice in his mind, gentle and kind. Chanyeol felt his body calming down with the sound and he heard Wu Fan asking to the doctors to please don’t knock him down right now. “I just want a little more time with him, this is the only free time I have in weeks,” he heard him saying, the taste of blood filling his mouth. He’d probably bit his tongue again, but he was used to that. He felt Wu Fan sitting by his side again, his hands gently putting Chanyeol on a comfortable position. “Just be okay.”
His whisper made him shiver a little.
--
“You’re crazy,” Jongin would say, even though he knew he never actually meant it. He knew Jongin would never really want to hurt him; he was just so desperate and didn’t know how to express his concern.
At first Chanyeol hated whenever people called him crazy, but he ended up getting used to it, wearing it like his favorite worn out clothes. It was comfortable and it fit him quite well. If being normal, and getting back to the so called reality meant forgetting, he preferred his madness. He preferred stay locked up in that room and not have to deal with real world problems. He was tired of real concerns; he had no more patience for them. And Jongin would always be the one to remind him of old things, as if he thought those things would make Chanyeol want to come back.
“Do you remember dancing, hyung? Do you remember how you hated it at first, but then you kind of got used to it?” He would stop, looking at Chanyeol with a silent plea in his eyes. “Do you remember that you used to rap so well?”
Chanyeol wanted to shout at his face, to scream at him that yes he remembered. Reminisce is all I can do, he thought, rubbing his eyes.
“You should see how things are right now. It’s such a beautiful day.”
He looked back just to see Jongin wiping his red eyes. The boy was now looking away from him, and he could see his mind was far away from that place as well.
“No one blames you,” he said in a whisper, as if he was afraid of his own words.
Stop it, stop it. Stop talking right now.
Chanyeol felt something crawling under his skin. He could feel it ripping himself open, trying to make its way to his heart, to his soul. The world started to spin in front of him and that feeling in his insides made him shudder in pain. Jongin looked startled, but he kept on talking. “I doubt-I doubt very much Baekhyun-hyung blames you as well. He-He wouldn’t like to see you like this, hyung.”
“And what-” What do you know? But his throat felt too dry and he choked on his own words. It was probably the first time Chanyeol said anything ever since he was taken away from that car. Jongin stood up, surprised, eyes full of hope. And hope is something Chanyeol choose to not cling to a long time. He wished he could give this last piece of advice to Jongin.
“What? You were saying something, hyung?”
I was saying you don’t know shit. I was saying you weren’t there. None of them were. When the car slipped and turned and turned until they crashed on a tree, the only one who were there with him was Baekhyun.
Baekhyun, who was smiling and singing loudly just a few seconds before Chanyeol lost control of the car.
Baekhyun, who looked suspicious, when Chanyeol told him earlier on that day that they should take a day off. “Just you and me, on a date in broad day light,” Chanyeol said, watching Baekhyun’s face bright up with a smile.
Baekhyun, who was crushed by the cars’s door and for hours stayed half alive, half dead. His eyes scanning Chanyeol’s all the time, as if he knew what would happen. “Wait just a little,” Chanyeol said, but his own leg was broken and his cellphone wouldn’t work.
“Save me,” he whispered and Chanyeol would never forget. It was carved on his skin with a knife and it itched and scratched so he would remember it every day through his whole lifetime. He asked him to save him and it was the only thing Baekhyun ever asked. He was type of person who never asked for anything. He would complain and bitch, but he would never ask anything from Chanyeol. And the only thing he actually asked for, Chanyeol failed to deliver.
The thing inside him was eating him alive.
He threw up and Jongin jumped on his place, looking puzzled if he should help him out or call for help. The doctors came before he could make his decision, an old nurse screaming at him.
“What have you done? What have you told him?”
But Jongin just shook his head, looking terrified.
--
“Quite a scene you did today.”
When he recognized the voice, Chanyeol almost fell from his bed, his eyes wide. He was far away from him, sitting on an empty bed across the room, his face hidden on the dark but he knew it was him. He stood up, hot tears filling his eyes.
Baekhyun.
“You need to stop this, Chanyeol.”
How can you say that? He thought while Baekhyun moved, standing up as well. He could see his whole figure now, his slim body and thin hands, the only thing he still couldn’t see was his face. He wanted to reach him. He needed to hug him and kiss him and tell him that now he was saved.
It will be all right.
“No, stay where you are,” Baekhyun said, making Chanyeol stop midway, looking at his ghost with his heart aching inside his chest. “Close your eyes.”
Chanyeol looked around, feeling lost.
When he imagined his first time seeing Baekhyun again he always imagined the boy smiling at him his usual beautiful smile and then welcoming him home. Right into his arms, he thought, tears streaming down his face. So why was he being so cold?
But Baekhyun never asks for anything, and the only thing he asked you failed to attend. A voice inside his head told him and he found himself closing his eyes.
“And don’t you open them! I know you’re a cheater,” Baekhyun said, laughing at his own words and the sound of it made Chanyeol almost laugh too. It was just usual to laugh together with Baekhyun, it felt like the normal thing to do but his throat was too dry and there was a lump inside his chest not letting him breath properly.
“This is not the you I used to know,” he heard, a shiver running down his spine when he felt cold hands touching his face, wiping his tears. “This is some stranger. Where are you, Park Chanyeol?”
I’m gone. I’ve died on that car accident with you, don’t you remember?
“You need to let me go,” Baekhyun whispered in his ear, quietly tracing Chanyeol’s face with his fingers. “Please, let me go.”
No, no, don’t ask me that. Why you never ask me anything and when you do is always something I can’t do?
But when Chanyeol opened his eyes Baekhyun was no longer there.
-
When Wu Fan entered the room, Chanyeol rushed to his desk, taking the notebook and the pen the nurses gave him the other day. “If you can’t talk, you should write,” they said, all smiles at him. That thing finally became useful.
Wu Fan sat on the chair by his bed side, looking at him with a confused look, while Chanyeol wrote furiously on the notebook, passing it to him after a few seconds. He watched while Wu Fan read it, a emotionless look on his face.
“You talked to Baekhyun last night?”
Chanyeol nodded, taking the notebook back and writing some more. Wu Fan sighed, rubbing his eyes in a tired way, but Chanyeol didn’t care much for that. He always seemed tired in the last few weeks, and he didn’t want to ask him why he was like that.
“I’m getting tired of this, Chanyeol. I’m so fucking tired of this room. I’m so tired of you not talking to me.” He said and then he took a deep breath, taking back the notebook Chanyeol was giving him. “Baekhyun told you to let him go?”
The boy nodded again, chewing on his lips, a look of pure desperation on his face. He broke up with me, he thought and he had to bite his finger to stop himself from crying. That was the first time Baekhyun ever did such a thing. They had fights before, but they always talked their way out of it. But now Baekhyun wouldn’t appear any more and Chanyeol was just too lost to function. Maybe Wu Fan would know what to do, maybe he would know how to make Baekhyun stop being so mean to him all the time.
“You know Baekhyun is right, don’ you?” Wu Fan said and Chanyeol shook his head, that wasn’t what he wanted to hear. Why was everyone trying so hard to make him mad? “You should think about this. You should do what he’s telling you.”
Chanyeol looked at Wu Fan in disbelief. How stupid could he be, thinking that anyone would even understand? But he thought that from all people, Wu Fan would be the one to help him out.
“I mean-Can you even remember him?” The other kept talking and he looked down to his shoes. Chanyeol knew he was hating himself for saying those words. He knew Wu Fan far too well. “Do you even remember his face? Do you remember what his smile looked like? Because I can’t remember anymore. Even though, I see his pictures, but whenever I try to remember his face, I just can’t. Can you?”
Chanyeol felt his eyes grow wide at Wu Fan’s questions, as if they were absurd. Of course he remembered. Of course he would remember every detail of Baekhyun’s face, but when he actually thought about it, he noticed whenever he tried to picture him, his face would be a blur.
No.
Baekhyun’s was lying on his side, his fingers buried in his thin hair, and Chanyeol laughed at some stupid thing he said. He moved a little and when Baekhyun lifted his face to kiss him there was nothing there.
No.
Chanyeol choked, and he reached for his throat, trying to rip it open. It hurt and the lump inside it was making him suffocate. No, no, no. Of course he would remember it, right? Of course he did, but whenever he tried again he could only picture Baekhyun in the middle of the dark, his face hidden from him. Close your eyes, he said, don’t peak.
Let me go.
And there was nothing he could do to stop Baekhyun’s face from fading away.
Wu Fan sat by his side, holding both of his hands away from him. Chanyeol could feel the scratches he just made on himself itch and hurt but he didn’t care much. He looked up just to see Wu Fan with tears on his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things.” And he hugged him and Chanyeol felt strange at the touch. How long has it been since someone touched him like that?
“He is gone,” He whispered and he felt Wu Fan sob against his shoulder. It was funny how strange his own voice sounded on his ears. And it was even funnier that in the end Baekhyun was the one to save him.
He is gone.
a/n: writing this fic took me longer than expected, tbqh.
special thanks for mouthwash who stopped me every time i wanted to throw this fic on the trash.
i hope you guys like it n__n