A Fragment of Light (7/?)
Title: A Fragment of Light (7/?)
Author: jacyevans and cinnamon_kisses
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Summary: New Moon AU - Bella's inner Edward has convinced her not to be reckless, and she is about to give up entirely - when she finds something that changes everything.
I stared at Edward, blindly searching my mind for words, but coming up with nothing.
When Edward touched my face, I'd been shocked, and, if I was honest with myself, just a little scared - scared because his eyes were blacker than I could ever remember seeing them, even on that first day in Biology class when he'd almost killed me, and scared that I was still dreaming, although I should have known better - my nightmares had been of him leaving, not showing up unannounced in one of the spare bedrooms of the Cullens' house in New York.
When he pulled his hand away, I found that there wasn't anything I could say - my voice had effectively caught in my throat, somewhere behind my frantically beating heart and the images of my nightmares still running at a vampire's speed through my mind - so quick, they were simply a blur.
Rather than say anything, I confronted him with the reason I was here - the reason I'd gone looking for him. My legs had shaken, and I was surprised I hadn't stumbled to the edge of the bed - I felt his eyes on me the entire time, wary, anxious, and... scared? - but I simply grabbed his CD, the tickets, and the pictures, all his gifts to me, and threw them on the bed. His eyes had been wide, shocked, and, if possible, even more anxious than before. I realized, in that moment, that I had never seen Edward more vulnerable than he was at that moment. I couldn't help the small thrill that went through me at the thought.
When he asked me how I found the items, I couldn't help but blush - and lie. He couldn't know about my ridiculous attempts to hear his voice, how I'd almost broken my promise... even if by leaving me, he'd broken every single one of his.
When I asked him why he hid them, I tried not to let the utter helplessness I was feeling creep into my voice. I clenched my hands into fists and let the anger I'd felt when I first left Forks wash over me instead of the complete desperation that was threatening to consume me.
Edward had hesitated, but his answer was anything but what I'd been expecting.
"I left those things because I wanted to stay. Bella, I was lying when I said I didn't want you. I've never stopped loving you."
So, I stared at him, stunned, not knowing what to say, trying to figure out the right words to say.
Edward eyed me warily before taking a slow, careful step forward. "Bella, please say something."
"I'm..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'm not sure if I believe you," I answered finally, keeping my eyes shut, my head bowed. The anger was back, and I raised my head, eyes narrowed. I don't think Edward was expecting anger, at least not at this point, because he took a step backwards.
"Four months, Edward," I said, fighting to keep my voice controlled, to keep the tears that always pooled in my eyes when I was angry from falling down my cheeks. "That's how long I've thought you didn't love me. Four months of - of thinking that I did something wrong, or that I just wasn't enough for you. That my love wasn't enough." Edward was looking more stricken by the minute, and I felt guilty for making him feel worse.
But, it seemed, once I got started, I just couldn't stop. "Then, I find your gifts to me hidden under my floorboards - hidden, like - like it was some sort of game to you." The tears were falling freely and I swiped at my face furiously. "You left a piece of yourself with me - you allowed yourself that small piece of comfort while I was... while I was..."
I couldn't continue. I couldn't find the breath to speak between the sobs, and the look on Edward's face was so anguished; knowing I was causing that pain made it all that much worse.
And yet, when I felt myself falling onto the bed, he was there, cold hands wrapped around my arms to steady me, gently edging me down. His arm crept slowly, hesitantly, around my shoulder, as if he wasn't sure I wanted to be held, least of all by him - I wasn't sure if I wanted to be held, but I did know that if I wanted anyone to hold me, I wanted it to be Edward, no matter how much it would hurt when he left me.
Because, inevitably, even if he really did love me, I knew that this wasn't forever - I knew that he would be leaving again.
Eventually, my cries quieted, and I lifted my head from where it had fallen to Edward's shoulder. My eyes unexpectedly met his, and my breath caught in my throat - I found I couldn't breathe again, now for an entirely different reason. His ebony eyes were fierce as they bore into mine, an emotion behind the pain that I did not immediately recognize.
Edward placed his hand under my chin and gently held it there so that I couldn't turn my head, couldn't tear my gaze away from his. "I'm going to tell you something," he said, his voice low and hoarse, but still having the same effect on me that it always did - my heart sped up slightly and I blushed. His lips quirked, just a bit, before he sighed and shook his head. "I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to really listen to what I'm saying, all right?"
I nodded. I wasn't sure how my voice would sound if I tried to speak.
He took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving mine. "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan." I stopped breathing. I think my heart may have stopped beating, too. "What I told you the day I left..." He paused and grimaced, as if he were in intense pain. "I didn't know how else to convince you to let me go, but I had no idea that you would believe me so easily after all of the times that I told you, over and over, how much you mean to me."
He let go of my chin, but my eyes held - I could not turn away from his gaze. He tentatively, slowly, brushed his hand across my hair, down one side, then the other, and I blushed, thinking about how I must look. Haystack, indeed.
He smiled at me, although it didn't entirely reach his eyes, and cupped my cheek with his hand. This time, I leaned into the touch. "You're beautiful," he said, as if reading my thoughts. I only blushed further.
Edward sighed. "I never meant to hurt you as deeply as I did. If I could go back, I would. If I could convince myself not to leave you, I would. I don't know what I can ever do to rectify all the pain that I've caused you, but I do know this - I. Love. You."
I closed my eyes. I wished he would stop saying that - even if he did mean it, he was still going to leave me again, and soon, and this wasn't making things any easier.
He let out a breath, punctuated by a frustrated sound. "You don't believe me," he stated, misinterpreting my expression. I opened my eyes just as he shrugged. "So, I guess I'm just going to have to show you."
And then, he kissed me. I gasped - I wasn't expecting it. Part of me wanted him to stop - despite his reassurances that he loved me, had always loved me, this would hurt all the more when he left me again. Yet a larger, more selfish part of me had wanted this so badly these past few months that all of my other protests flew out the window and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer.
I waited for his carefully drawn boundaries to come crashing back down into place, but they never did. Instead of pushing me away, his lips pressed more insistently against mine, one hand gliding up to tangle in my hair, the other gripping me at the small of my back. I tried to memorize the way his cold, hard lips felt against mine, the way I felt when I was pressed against the line of his body - who knew when I would feel this again?
I could actually feel my kisses growing more desperate with this line of thinking - and apparently, so could Edward, because he kissed a line down my neck over to my jaw - my heart skipping the entire time - so he could whisper in my ear, "Bella, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lied, and he leaned down to kiss the junction between my neck and my shoulder, as if that would persuade me to tell him the truth.
"Are you lying to me?" He murmured against my skin.
I swallowed. "No." Not entirely, anyway. "I'm just making sure that I'll remember..." I struggled for words. I didn't want to upset him further, but he was the one who asked. "This."
Edward paused and sat up straight, his eyes narrowing just slightly. "And why, my lovely Bella, would you have to be so sure that you remember our time together?"
I winced. Of course he would know what I meant without me actually explaining myself the one time I had wanted him to be left in the dark. I glanced down at my lap and picked at nonexistent lint on the comforter. "Because I know you're just going to leave again," I murmured, the words jumbled together and practically inaudible.
Edward stilled, and I wrung my hands in my lap. This was why I hadn't wanted to say anything. He might even leave sooner now.
No. I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself that he loved me, instead of focusing on the negative thoughts fighting for dominance in my head.
"Oh, Bella," Edward whispered, so softly that I had to strain to hear him entirely. "What have I done to you?"
I didn't understand what he meant - but then, his lips were at my neck again, and all coherent thought ceased. I felt my breathing become heavy as his mouth moved back and forth from my jaw to my chin, and I couldn't stop myself from trembling. I was suddenly and forcefully reminded of our first day in the meadow, and wondered if he had kissed me this way on purpose.
"For your information," he said, lips still pressed against my skin, "I'm not going anywhere." His fingers were drawing idle patterns along my wrists, and I had to remind myself to breathe.
"You're not?" I was barely able to gasp out. I could scarcely believe him.
Edward pulled away from me so I could see his face - he was all seriousness; all jokes had been laid aside. "No, Bella. I'm not. I'm not leaving you. Not now, not ever again." His ran his hand down from my cheek to my shoulder and I shivered. “I love you,” he said, for the third time that night, and it occurred to me then that I hadn’t said the words in return yet even though they were painfully, achingly true. “I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will.”
He wasn’t going to leave. He loved me. I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself that what he said was true, trying to bring myself to say those three words that I was sure he most wanted to hear.
But suddenly, the anger was back, and I couldn’t control my words anymore than I could the tears that filled my eyes in response to my fury. Edward’s hand stilled on my arm, immediately sensing the shift in my mood as my eyes flashed to his.
“If you love me,” I asked him, my voice sounding harsh and bitter even to my own ears, “Then why did you leave me?”
Author: jacyevans and cinnamon_kisses
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Summary: New Moon AU - Bella's inner Edward has convinced her not to be reckless, and she is about to give up entirely - when she finds something that changes everything.
I stared at Edward, blindly searching my mind for words, but coming up with nothing.
When Edward touched my face, I'd been shocked, and, if I was honest with myself, just a little scared - scared because his eyes were blacker than I could ever remember seeing them, even on that first day in Biology class when he'd almost killed me, and scared that I was still dreaming, although I should have known better - my nightmares had been of him leaving, not showing up unannounced in one of the spare bedrooms of the Cullens' house in New York.
When he pulled his hand away, I found that there wasn't anything I could say - my voice had effectively caught in my throat, somewhere behind my frantically beating heart and the images of my nightmares still running at a vampire's speed through my mind - so quick, they were simply a blur.
Rather than say anything, I confronted him with the reason I was here - the reason I'd gone looking for him. My legs had shaken, and I was surprised I hadn't stumbled to the edge of the bed - I felt his eyes on me the entire time, wary, anxious, and... scared? - but I simply grabbed his CD, the tickets, and the pictures, all his gifts to me, and threw them on the bed. His eyes had been wide, shocked, and, if possible, even more anxious than before. I realized, in that moment, that I had never seen Edward more vulnerable than he was at that moment. I couldn't help the small thrill that went through me at the thought.
When he asked me how I found the items, I couldn't help but blush - and lie. He couldn't know about my ridiculous attempts to hear his voice, how I'd almost broken my promise... even if by leaving me, he'd broken every single one of his.
When I asked him why he hid them, I tried not to let the utter helplessness I was feeling creep into my voice. I clenched my hands into fists and let the anger I'd felt when I first left Forks wash over me instead of the complete desperation that was threatening to consume me.
Edward had hesitated, but his answer was anything but what I'd been expecting.
"I left those things because I wanted to stay. Bella, I was lying when I said I didn't want you. I've never stopped loving you."
So, I stared at him, stunned, not knowing what to say, trying to figure out the right words to say.
Edward eyed me warily before taking a slow, careful step forward. "Bella, please say something."
"I'm..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I'm not sure if I believe you," I answered finally, keeping my eyes shut, my head bowed. The anger was back, and I raised my head, eyes narrowed. I don't think Edward was expecting anger, at least not at this point, because he took a step backwards.
"Four months, Edward," I said, fighting to keep my voice controlled, to keep the tears that always pooled in my eyes when I was angry from falling down my cheeks. "That's how long I've thought you didn't love me. Four months of - of thinking that I did something wrong, or that I just wasn't enough for you. That my love wasn't enough." Edward was looking more stricken by the minute, and I felt guilty for making him feel worse.
But, it seemed, once I got started, I just couldn't stop. "Then, I find your gifts to me hidden under my floorboards - hidden, like - like it was some sort of game to you." The tears were falling freely and I swiped at my face furiously. "You left a piece of yourself with me - you allowed yourself that small piece of comfort while I was... while I was..."
I couldn't continue. I couldn't find the breath to speak between the sobs, and the look on Edward's face was so anguished; knowing I was causing that pain made it all that much worse.
And yet, when I felt myself falling onto the bed, he was there, cold hands wrapped around my arms to steady me, gently edging me down. His arm crept slowly, hesitantly, around my shoulder, as if he wasn't sure I wanted to be held, least of all by him - I wasn't sure if I wanted to be held, but I did know that if I wanted anyone to hold me, I wanted it to be Edward, no matter how much it would hurt when he left me.
Because, inevitably, even if he really did love me, I knew that this wasn't forever - I knew that he would be leaving again.
Eventually, my cries quieted, and I lifted my head from where it had fallen to Edward's shoulder. My eyes unexpectedly met his, and my breath caught in my throat - I found I couldn't breathe again, now for an entirely different reason. His ebony eyes were fierce as they bore into mine, an emotion behind the pain that I did not immediately recognize.
Edward placed his hand under my chin and gently held it there so that I couldn't turn my head, couldn't tear my gaze away from his. "I'm going to tell you something," he said, his voice low and hoarse, but still having the same effect on me that it always did - my heart sped up slightly and I blushed. His lips quirked, just a bit, before he sighed and shook his head. "I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to really listen to what I'm saying, all right?"
I nodded. I wasn't sure how my voice would sound if I tried to speak.
He took a deep breath, his eyes never leaving mine. "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan." I stopped breathing. I think my heart may have stopped beating, too. "What I told you the day I left..." He paused and grimaced, as if he were in intense pain. "I didn't know how else to convince you to let me go, but I had no idea that you would believe me so easily after all of the times that I told you, over and over, how much you mean to me."
He let go of my chin, but my eyes held - I could not turn away from his gaze. He tentatively, slowly, brushed his hand across my hair, down one side, then the other, and I blushed, thinking about how I must look. Haystack, indeed.
He smiled at me, although it didn't entirely reach his eyes, and cupped my cheek with his hand. This time, I leaned into the touch. "You're beautiful," he said, as if reading my thoughts. I only blushed further.
Edward sighed. "I never meant to hurt you as deeply as I did. If I could go back, I would. If I could convince myself not to leave you, I would. I don't know what I can ever do to rectify all the pain that I've caused you, but I do know this - I. Love. You."
I closed my eyes. I wished he would stop saying that - even if he did mean it, he was still going to leave me again, and soon, and this wasn't making things any easier.
He let out a breath, punctuated by a frustrated sound. "You don't believe me," he stated, misinterpreting my expression. I opened my eyes just as he shrugged. "So, I guess I'm just going to have to show you."
And then, he kissed me. I gasped - I wasn't expecting it. Part of me wanted him to stop - despite his reassurances that he loved me, had always loved me, this would hurt all the more when he left me again. Yet a larger, more selfish part of me had wanted this so badly these past few months that all of my other protests flew out the window and I threw my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer.
I waited for his carefully drawn boundaries to come crashing back down into place, but they never did. Instead of pushing me away, his lips pressed more insistently against mine, one hand gliding up to tangle in my hair, the other gripping me at the small of my back. I tried to memorize the way his cold, hard lips felt against mine, the way I felt when I was pressed against the line of his body - who knew when I would feel this again?
I could actually feel my kisses growing more desperate with this line of thinking - and apparently, so could Edward, because he kissed a line down my neck over to my jaw - my heart skipping the entire time - so he could whisper in my ear, "Bella, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I lied, and he leaned down to kiss the junction between my neck and my shoulder, as if that would persuade me to tell him the truth.
"Are you lying to me?" He murmured against my skin.
I swallowed. "No." Not entirely, anyway. "I'm just making sure that I'll remember..." I struggled for words. I didn't want to upset him further, but he was the one who asked. "This."
Edward paused and sat up straight, his eyes narrowing just slightly. "And why, my lovely Bella, would you have to be so sure that you remember our time together?"
I winced. Of course he would know what I meant without me actually explaining myself the one time I had wanted him to be left in the dark. I glanced down at my lap and picked at nonexistent lint on the comforter. "Because I know you're just going to leave again," I murmured, the words jumbled together and practically inaudible.
Edward stilled, and I wrung my hands in my lap. This was why I hadn't wanted to say anything. He might even leave sooner now.
No. I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself that he loved me, instead of focusing on the negative thoughts fighting for dominance in my head.
"Oh, Bella," Edward whispered, so softly that I had to strain to hear him entirely. "What have I done to you?"
I didn't understand what he meant - but then, his lips were at my neck again, and all coherent thought ceased. I felt my breathing become heavy as his mouth moved back and forth from my jaw to my chin, and I couldn't stop myself from trembling. I was suddenly and forcefully reminded of our first day in the meadow, and wondered if he had kissed me this way on purpose.
"For your information," he said, lips still pressed against my skin, "I'm not going anywhere." His fingers were drawing idle patterns along my wrists, and I had to remind myself to breathe.
"You're not?" I was barely able to gasp out. I could scarcely believe him.
Edward pulled away from me so I could see his face - he was all seriousness; all jokes had been laid aside. "No, Bella. I'm not. I'm not leaving you. Not now, not ever again." His ran his hand down from my cheek to my shoulder and I shivered. “I love you,” he said, for the third time that night, and it occurred to me then that I hadn’t said the words in return yet even though they were painfully, achingly true. “I’ve never stopped loving you, and I never will.”
He wasn’t going to leave. He loved me. I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself that what he said was true, trying to bring myself to say those three words that I was sure he most wanted to hear.
But suddenly, the anger was back, and I couldn’t control my words anymore than I could the tears that filled my eyes in response to my fury. Edward’s hand stilled on my arm, immediately sensing the shift in my mood as my eyes flashed to his.
“If you love me,” I asked him, my voice sounding harsh and bitter even to my own ears, “Then why did you leave me?”