A Fragment of Light (5/?)

[jacyevans]

Title: A Fragment of Light (5/?)
Author: jacyevans and cinnamon_kisses
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Summary: New Moon AU - Bella's inner Edward has convinced her not to be reckless, and she is about to give up entirely - when she finds something that changes everything.



Ten hours and two layovers had already passed on my flight to New York, and I was getting impatient. I drummed my fingers against the arms of my seat and sighed.

It was hard to believe that just this morning, I'd said my goodbyes to the Denali coven. I thought about what they’d each said to me to try to make the time pass by faster.

Eleazar simply nodded at me and told me to remember what he'd said - honestly, how could I forget?

Carmen gave me one of her lovely, warm smiles and told me to be safe - I would be with the Cullens. Of course, I'd be safe.

Irina winked at me and told me that I had nothing to worry about, that everything would work out all right in the end - I simply smiled at her, wishing I could believe that was true.

Kate shocked me by enveloping me in a hug and telling me that I should come back and visit once everything was all straightened out - I closed my eyes and hoped that there was a way for that to happen when this was all over.

But it was Tanya who well and truly stunned me. Ten minutes into our silent ride to the airport, she said, "You love him."

Startled, I turned my head so I could stare at her, but her eyes were fixed out the windshield. "What?" I asked, not quite sure I'd heard her right.

"He's your world," she continued, maneuvering the steering wheel slightly. "Your everything. You want him, love him, desire him more than you ever have anything else in your entire life." Slowly, she turned her head to face me. My heart thumped against my ribs. "And I got all of that without ever even peeking inside of your head."

"Why are you telling me this?" I whispered so softly I could barely hear myself. "Why are you telling me things I already know?"

The car was stopped - I hadn't even realized we'd arrived at the airport.

Instead of answering me, Tanya fixed me with a piercing stare and said, "What do you want, Bella?"

Looking into her golden eyes, I couldn't stop the answer from falling from my lips. "Edward." His name cracked and burned on its way out of my throat.

Tanya shocked me for the second time that day - she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek. "Then go to Ithaca and find him. Tell him what he means to you. And remind him of what you mean to him. Now get going - your flight leaves in twenty minutes."

I couldn't speak. I could only nod as I opened the door and got out of the car. Tanya leaned out the window to give one last piece of advice. "Sometimes, other people know Edward Cullen better than he knows himself."

"Passengers, please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts. We will be beginning our descent, and should be landing in New York on time." The pilot's voice on the loud speaker jolted me from my thoughts. My hands shook violently as I tried to fasten my seatbelt. One of the flight attendants bent over and snapped the belt into place. I murmured my thanks.

"No problem, honey," she said, her Southern accent thick. "Sometimes, these belts are tricky."

They're not tricky, I thought to myself, I'm just paranoid. I was about to see the Cullens again, for the first time in three months. How would they react to seeing me after what had happened on my birthday? Did they even want to see me, or were they just humoring me since they knew that I would find a way here, with or without their help?

I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, on getting my emotions under control. Numb, Bella, think numb. You can't afford to freak out now. You have to have a level head.

By the time the plane landed, my hands had stopped trembling, and the familiar wave of calm detachment I'd been living with since September passed over me. I could do this without losing my head, I thought as I stepped off of the plane and into the airport. I could.

I hadn't checked my bag, so I was able to avoid the luggage claim and headed straight for the main lobby, wondering how I would get to Cornell. A cab? My fingers tightened their hold on the strap of my bag.

"Bella!"

I spun around towards the main doors. There, bouncing up and down on her heels, was Alice.

I couldn't help it - I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and launched myself at her, throwing my arms around her waist.

Alice laughed at my enthusiasm. "Well, it's nice to see you're still your same, overzealous self."

"Hi, Alice," I said, and I had to bite back tears.

Alice must have heard the slight tremor in my voice that I'd tried to hide because she stopped laughing and pushed me backwards gently, taking a good, long look at my face. Then, to my astonishment, her eyes narrowed. "I'm going to kill that boy," she muttered vehemently. She grabbed my bag from my shoulder, muttering to herself, and headed for the exit. She was talking so fast that I could only make out the words "selfish" "arrogant" and "idiot."

I sighed. "Alice."

"Give me a minute, Bella," Alice said, her eyes half closed as she walked. "I want to fully form this thought."

"And what, exactly, does this thought entail?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

She glared across the parking lot, and I was suddenly reminded that I never wanted to be on Alice's bad side. "The many ways that I can torture my brother the next time that I see him." My heart fluttered.

We were at her car - Carlisle's car to be more exact - and she opened the passenger side door for me before bounding over to the driver's side and sliding in. Once she gunned the engine and effortlessly turned onto the parkway, Alice turned to me, eyes wide and innocent again.

"Better now?" I asked, all the while trying not to think about the implications of her words. When was she going to see Edward again if she was plotting against him - and knowing Alice, she hadn't been kidding.

Alice simply shook her head. "I could ask you the same question."

I blinked. "What?"

"Bella, I'm so, so sorry. We should never have listened when Edward told us that we should leave. I begged him to reconsider, but - well, you of all people know how he gets when that hard head of his is set on something. Even if he's wrong, he thinks he's right, and won't be swayed for anything." She turned her golden eyes to fully face me, and I was startled to see true remorse there. "But we were wrong, and - oh, Bella, can you forgive me?"

"Forgive you?" I asked, completely shocked - what had brought this on? She'd only glanced at my face... did I still really look that shell-shocked? I thought about the reaction the Denali coven had to me, how overly nice they'd been, what Irina and Eleazar had said and realized that yes - I probably did.

"Of course I do, Alice," I said, giving her as much of a smile as I could. "There's nothing to forgive."

She smiled, and the Alice that I knew was back in full force. She was practically bouncing, racing down the highway at a speed that I truly didn't want to know. Didn't New York have some ridiculous number of traffic cops hiding on the side of the road?

"Carlisle and Esme are home waiting for you, and Jasper. Esme especially can't wait to see you," Alice smiled at me brightly. My heart skipped a beat.

"So you don't..." I hesitated, but forged ahead against my trepidations. "I mean, you all don't mind that I'm here?"

"Mind?" Alice's face was pure shock, and I blushed furiously. "Why would we mind?"

"Well, I didn't exactly give you advance warning," I mumbled.

"Ahhh," Alice said mischievously, and she tapped her forehead with a finger, "But you did."

I didn't say anything in response. Advance warning or not, I knew I was imposing. Alice could swear from here to next Tuesday how excited Esme was to see me, but I knew better. This was all just to placate me. Eventually, they'd have to send me back to Forks, and I'd be right back where I started - alone. I turned my face towards my window and squeezed my eyes shut against the tears I could feel building. Numb, Bella. Think numb.

The car slowed to a stop and Alice jumped out, speeding over to throw open my door. I'd schooled my face into what I thought was a neutral expression, but she still paused before taking my bag from where she'd stowed it in the back seat and walking towards the house in front of us, muttering to herself again, only this time I could make out the words, "For her own good - I'll show him for her own good..." My heart jumped as I quickly followed after her. I was going to have to do better than this.

Alice opened the door and ushered me into the foyer, and I could instantly tell that Esme had designed this house. The walls were an off-white, achingly similar to their beautiful home in Forks, the floors a light colored wood I didn't know the name of. The living room was smaller than the one in the house I'd known so well, but still just as welcoming.

I had to fight to keep my breathing under control when I realized that sitting on the couch along the back wall of the room were Carlisle and Esme. Standing off to the side with his arms crossed was Jasper. Alice danced over to him to give him a kiss on the cheek. But Jasper's eyes were focused solely on me, and I squirmed under his scrutiny. There was something about the way he was looking at me, almost like I'd completely perplexed him. Were my emotions really so screwed up that even an empath couldn't figure them out? I sighed.

Carlisle and Esme stood, and Esme instantly came over and enveloped me in a hug. I wrapped my arms around her, allowing myself, just for a moment, to believe that I was a part of their family again.

"Oh, my Bella," she said, and I squeezed her just a bit tighter. Her presence was soothing, comforting. I couldn't allow myself to get comfortable - I would only end up more broken than before.

"Hi, Esme," I said softly. She pulled away and examined me, not much unlike Alice had, and I let her, knowing this would be the norm for the rest of the night.

When she finally pulled away from me, Carlisle gave me a gentle smile and said, "It's good to see you again, Bella." He glanced at Jasper out of the corner of his eye. Jasper simply shook his head and shrugged. I didn't quite understand the exchange, but was sure that it had something to do with me.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Hello, Bella," Jasper said, and I noticed he made no move to come any closer to me. I couldn't blame him - who knew when I might trip over my own two feet and slit my leg open on the perfectly smooth wooden floor?

I sighed. "Hello, Jasper."

"Why don't you sit down," Esme said, ushering me over to the couch. I sat down slowly. Alice gracefully dropped down next to me. "Alice has told us you've had quite an eventful couple of days."

Eventful - I almost laughed. That was putting it mildly. "Exhausting would be more like it," I said, daring to glance at Jasper. He was still staring at me and I quickly turned my gaze back to Alice.

This was a mistake - her eyes were glittering much too wickedly. "How did you like the Denali coven, Bella?" I heard Esme's knowing laughter, and the sound was both soothing and painful to hear at the same time.

"They were..." Gorgeous. Alluring. A thousand times more beautiful than I could ever hope to be. "Interesting."

Carlisle chuckled. "Interesting? I think Tanya would be insulted if she ever heard you refer to her family as simply 'interesting.'" I blushed. He was right. Tanya and the rest of the Denali coven were far from "simply" anything.

"There's just one thing that's bothering me," Alice said, her brows furrowing. "Actually, it's been bothering me for quite a while."

"Alice," Jasper murmured, his tone a warning. "Don't you think that maybe you should wait?" He threw a pointed glance at me.

Alice blinked up at him. "No, I think that now is a perfectly good time to-"

"Hey," I said, breaking into their conversation, and the pair of them turned their eyes on me. "Not that this cryptic conversation isn't riveting, but can you maybe not talk over me? I'm sitting right here." Jasper seemed too stunned at my outburst to say anything, but I wasn't finished. "Alice, whatever you were going to ask me, ask." I took a deep breath. "I'm not going to break." Or at least, I was pretty sure I wouldn't.

Alice glanced at Esme and Carlisle, both of whom seemed a bit wary, but eventually, she asked her question. "Bella," she took a breath. "I saw you make the decision to get on the plane to Alaska. I saw each and every decision you've made since then. But I didn't see what brought you to make that decision so suddenly. Why now?"

My heart pounded in my chest. Esme placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "I mean, I can take a guess that this has something to do with-" She hesitated. "With Edward." I felt the familiar tugging at my chest at the mere mention of his name and brought my arm across my stomach. Jasper followed the motion closely with his eyes. "But..." She stopped talking, as if simply unsure of what to say.

Maybe I would break, because of all the questions she could have asked, this was the one question that I had no desire to answer. Wordlessly, I bent down and tugged my bag to rest at my feet, unzipping it. I gingerly pulled out the pictures, the plane tickets, and the CD and handed them to Alice.

I swallowed hard. "That's why," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Alice stared down at the objects in her hands, and I could read the confusion on her face. "Bella, I don't understand," she said honestly. I squeezed my eyes shut, and I could feel my bottom lip begin to quiver.

"Alice," Carlisle said, voice overly gentle. "Why don't we-"

"He hid them from me," I said, my eyes still shut tight, voice so low I was sure if they'd been human, they wouldn't have heard me.

Even with my eyes closed, I could feel all of their eyes on me. "What?" Alice said, and her voice was so stunned on my behalf that I couldn't help it - I opened my eyes and stared into her golden ones.

"He hid them from me," I repeated, forcing back the tears I could feel brimming in my eyes. "Under a floorboard in my room. I found them... by accident," I lowered my eyes. I didn't want them to know about how I'd almost bought a motorbike just to hear Edward's voice and then had a nervous breakdown when I realized just how reckless and stupid I'd been. "I'm pretty sure he never meant for me to find them, or else I think he would have chosen a better hiding spot." I could feel my gaze harden. "Or even better, burned them."

"Alice," I heard Jasper say, his eyes still trained on me, then saw him bend down to whisper something in her ear.

"Bella!" Esme cried, and she turned me so that I was facing her. "How can you say that?"

"Why not destroy them?" I said, shrugging. "It isn't like he ever loved me anyway."

I never thought I'd see the day I could shock all of the Cullens into silence, but there it was. All four of them stared at me as if I'd said something absolutely and totally insane.

"How can you even-" Alice had to take a moment to compose herself before she could continue. "Bella, how could you ever think that Edward didn't love you?"

"Because he told me," I said, trying to make myself sound nonchalant but only succeeding in making my voice sound dead. "The day he left. Something along the lines of not wanting to play human anymore, and wanting a clean break, and it being like he never really existed." I could feel the traitorous tears begin to fall and angrily swiped at my eyes. "So much for my love being enough for forever, I guess.”

And then, I was done for. Finally saying aloud what I'd been keeping to myself for months opened the floodgates, and I didn't try to hold back the tears. I simply let myself cry, shoulders shaking violently with the force of my sobs. Alice wrapped her arms around me as tightly as she dared and I cried into her shoulder. This was agony, and I wished like hell that these feelings would all just go away.

For the first time since I'd arrived, I felt the familiar calm of Jasper's power wash over me, and although I wasn't completely soothed, although I could still feel the pain of everything I'd just admitted pulling at the hole that now felt was wide and gaping in my chest, at least that pain was bearable.

I sat up and raised a shaking hand to my face. I sniffled, and glanced up at Jasper, smiling weakly up at him. "Thanks," I whispered. Then, I turned to Alice. "I'm guessing that wasn't the answer you were expecting?"

"No," she said solemnly. "No, it wasn't." Then, her eyes narrowed into deadly slits. "I'm going to kill him."

"Alice-"Carlisle started, but she cut him off.

"No, Carlisle. This is - I can't - I don't even have the words to describe how angry I am right now." Alice took both of my hands in hers. "Bella, look at me. Please, listen to what I'm about to tell you, and really listen."

I nodded, unable to look away from the raw determination I saw in her eyes.

"Bella, Edward loves you. He never stopped loving you. What he said to you... oh, when I get my hands on him..."

"Alice, stop," Jasper said, and instantly, Alice's tense shoulders relaxed, and she seemed more at ease.

I wanted to believe her, but I knew better. Maybe I should never have come here. Maybe I should have just stayed in Forks.

Forks... "Charlie!" I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth.

"Charlie's fine, Bella," Alice said, confused by my outburst. "I can look and make sure if you like."

"No," I shook my head furiously. "I just left. I didn't tell him where I was going, I just... oh God," I moaned. It had finally dawned on me that I'd left Forks almost three days ago, and though I'd promised to call him when I had the chance, I’d been so wrapped up in possibly finding Edward that I hadn't gotten in touch with him yet. "He's going to kill me. First Phoenix, now this? I'm dead. I am so dead."

"You're not dead, Bella," Alice said rolling her eyes. "Stop being so melodramatic." I glared at her.

"You didn't tell him where you were going?" Esme asked me gently. There was no sense of accusation in her voice, which only made me feel guiltier for what I was putting Charlie through.

"I left him a note," I grumbled, feeling my face grow hot at the admission. "Not one that explained very much though."

"Why don't you go upstairs and get some rest," Carlisle suggested, handing my bag off to Alice, and just as I was about to protest, he added, "And leave Charlie to Esme and I."

I blinked. I couldn't really get off that easily. Charlie would never let me get off that easy, and I told Carlisle so. "Charlie won't like that. He'll demand that you let him talk to me. Plus, if he knows you're calling, he'll know this has something to do with- with Edward," I fought back the instinct to cringe at the sound of his name. "That will make him even less happy than he already is."

"Bella, don't worry," Esme said, kissing me lightly on the forehead. "Just go to bed." Alice handed off my bag to Jasper, then tugged gently on my arm, and it was only then that I realized how truly tired I was. I hadn't slept very well in Denali, and had gotten no sleep at all on the plane to New York.

"But what are you going to tell Charlie?" I mumbled blearily, trudging up the stairs slowly so I wouldn't trip.

"Oh," Esme said, her eyes taking on an uncharacteristically scheming gleam. "We'll come up with something."

I nodded, deciding that I was just too tired to argue further. Alice opened the first door on the right and Jasper dropped my bag next to the bed. I practically fell on top of the covers and toed off my shoes. My breakdown had taken what little energy I had left. I was too tired to feel much but a gaping nothingness anymore.

Jasper waited by the door while Alice helped me settle in. "Comfy?" She asked, and I nodded, eyes already slowly falling closed. She smiled then rose to join Jasper.

Before they left, there was still one thing I wanted to say. "Alice?" I whispered. I could still hear them speaking quietly by the door.

"Yes, Bella?"

I let out a shaky breath. "Thank you."

I was already falling asleep, but I still heard the whispered, "You're welcome," before the door shut.