Personal Confidence and Shyness with Oral
This entry is quite long, as it includes multiple questions/answers.
Red are the questions, Blue are my answers.
The post begins as follows:
I am bad at oral.
And I realize this takes practice.
And I've read all of the tutorials and tips everyone has given.
So I'm working on it.
(Please don't comment telling me how to give head, I've read everything, and I'm trying)
But until then, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to get him going before I try to go down on him.
I'm generally pretty shy about initiating things, so I really want to wow him by being sort of agressive.
We usually end up making out during a movie whenever we hang out, so what are somethings I can do to make him feel really good before we even start anything?
----------
First of all, in my experience, confidence is the most appealing sexual quality of a woman. It doesn't matter if she has no experience. It doesn't matter if she's brand new into something, and it doesn't matter in what mood I'm in. If she's confident, it is *really* exciting.
That being said, it sounds like you genuinely want to learn how to go about doing this, and doing it well. If there something you want to keep in mind, it is that oral sex is not about going in and out... Oral sex is about the excitement, the intimacy, and the control over your partner. If you and your partner are in this mood, oral sex is very, very easy, and you probably know that. But what if you're in the mood and he's not? I think this is where your question is heading
The thing that you have to do at this point, is make him want it. How do you do that, you ask? Ok, imagine sitting in a movie theater. You're in the back, and have absolutely no interest in the movie. You're making out like...well... kids in a movie theater. Of course, we all know, this is not the appropriate venue to perform oral sex. But you can certainly make him want it.
Become aware of all your senses, and extremities. Where are your feet? Where are your hands? I don't think a brush of the hand down south would be way out of line in a theater, but like I said, this is not the appropriate venue for blatant sexual expression.
What, however, are you to do when you're at home? I read that you're a shy person. Well, this is something you'll have to overcome. Sadly, shyness totally destroys confidence. You will have to, somehow, overcome this shyness for initiation. If you're in the mood, don't feel guilty that you want something. All you have to do at this point, like I said, was make him want it as well. Let me ask this: When is it that you generally would like to try initiating oral sex but feel shy about it?
If doesn't have time to enjoy oral sex (like trying to get it done quickly before class, work, etc.), chances are, its going to be difficult to get him going. If however, there is plenty of time, and you just want to get him going, there are several things you can do. For example, after the shower. He's already vulnerable, naked, and (as a plus for you) clean! In fact, be ready when he gets out. Help dry him off, and then concentrate your attentions where you wish.
In my experience, surprise is almost always the best way to get me going. I love to be surprised with sex, of any kind. I love being touched just out of the blue, and I love where it usually goes. To be honest, to all-the-sudden feel a mouth on my penis feels really, really good. I'll get turned on very quickly. This is sometimes the only way that a partner can take him all the way into her mouth, which feels outrageous to most men. To be able to initiate this, however, takes confidence.
If you have any other questions, or this writing wasn't directed in a direction you had in mind, please do not hesitate to ask!
----------
It definitely helped me a lot. I am kind of insecure about it. I love the whole idea of it. I have a major oral fixation and I want to be good at this. But a little part of me hates the way it looks. And I understand it takes on a whole new light to a guy, but I sometimes (like the other day) ask the guy not to watch because whenever I see it in porn, it looks disgusting to me, even though I really enjoy doing it.
Does that make any sense?
----------
Of course it makes sense!
The fact that you do not like your partner watching you is directly attributed to your insecurity. As you continue, your insecurity will likely lessen, but you have to work on it; it won't happen *all* by itslef. Remember, though, the reasons you are performing oral sex. You're doing it partly because you want him to enjoy it, but you're also doing it partly because you enjoy doing it!
It's all a game of give and take. In the oral sex game, it's mostly about giving. I must tell you that oral sex for a man is very highly stimulating. Add in the ability to watch it being performed is certain to bring him over the edge. If you're not comfortable with it yet, then you may have to remind him that you don't want him watching--just yet. I suggest not hiding behind this phrase. Part of the reason he will enjoy oral is because you're enjoying it. If you continue telling him not to watch, me may like it even less because he feels you do not enjoy performing it.
It's just a difference of opinion, but I don't find the act disgusting at all. Either to watch, or watch being performed on me. I know that my partner is doing it because I enjoy it, and because she enjoys it to an extent. I love it when I can look down at her, and she smiles back up at me, even with a penis in her mouth. I realize how crude that sounds, but it is a super turn-on. For the man, that extra visual stimulation may be important for him to climax when you want him to, so this may be something you just have to get over.
Anything else you wish me to comment on or answer? Just ask!
----------
I guess I am just insecure because my first boyfriend, I could never get him off in the 5 months we were involved in sexual acts. Also, he was very reserved and hated whenever I asked him what to do to make it better, what he likes, etc. So I've sort of developed this phobia of being out-front about everything.
Know of any ways of maybe getting reassurance without coming out and saying I need it?
----------
First of all, I'm sorry that your first boyfriend was so sexually selfish. Even when receiving oral sex, he should be receptive to your needs as well. When he does not help to guide you to what brings him to orgasm, that is selfishness on his part.
It's too bad that he hated when you asked what made it better. Personally, I can't understand it... If somthing exists to make sex better, I'd definitely want to explore it! Perhaps, however, he was ashamed of sex somehow, and although he allowed you to try to bring him to orgasm, he had such negative feelings associated with sex that he was unable to climax. For example, perhaps his parents once caught him masturbating and did not handle it well, or his parents just tought him that sex was dirty and not something that a proper young man does. Even the sexual ignorance of parents is astounding, and this can have a traumatizing effect on young men (and women) that will negatively affect them for the rest of ther lives.
But, to get on with your current situation:
I believe, that your phobia may be unfounded. You probably do not have a fear of being up front, you probably are just calloused from your previous experience. This is just something that you will have to work on. Let go of your previous experience, and just forget about it. You must realize that this current boyfriend is different from your first, and that he has different wants and needs. There are now two sides, like discussed before. His side being that he wants to enjoy your actions, and your side being you want to please him orally. In order to fully satisfy both, you must overcome this obstacle simply by working on it, and dealing with it directly.
Are there ways of getting reassurance without asking? Of course! One of the biggest reassurances may be his orgasm itself. You probably realize that *you* did that. You alone had the power, took control, and satisfied him. Perhaps just some playing around will do it too. Give him the opportunity to praise your body, tell you how sexy you are, or some other compliment. This may be just the reassurance you're looking for.
It's not a bad thing to ask for that assurance either. There's no need to be so shy! If you're going so far as to be sexually active with your boyfriend, there's actually very, very little to be shy about. You've exposed yourself to him, you've shared yourself with him, and you've most likely satisfied him through your own actions.
It's never bad to ask him how you did. It's never a bad thing if a partner of mine asked me if I liked what she did. In fact, it's a perfect opportunity to praise her and her actions. It makes her feel good, and it makes me feel good to give her such high praise. If, however, there was something that he doesn't like about what you do, this is a good opportunity for him to tell you so that you can do better next time. You shouldn't take this as harsh criticism, instead, you should just keep it in mind for next time. Something tells me, though, that he has not criticized you, but in fact, probably thanks you for the opportunities you've given him.
Red are the questions, Blue are my answers.
The post begins as follows:
I am bad at oral.
And I realize this takes practice.
And I've read all of the tutorials and tips everyone has given.
So I'm working on it.
(Please don't comment telling me how to give head, I've read everything, and I'm trying)
But until then, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to get him going before I try to go down on him.
I'm generally pretty shy about initiating things, so I really want to wow him by being sort of agressive.
We usually end up making out during a movie whenever we hang out, so what are somethings I can do to make him feel really good before we even start anything?
----------
First of all, in my experience, confidence is the most appealing sexual quality of a woman. It doesn't matter if she has no experience. It doesn't matter if she's brand new into something, and it doesn't matter in what mood I'm in. If she's confident, it is *really* exciting.
That being said, it sounds like you genuinely want to learn how to go about doing this, and doing it well. If there something you want to keep in mind, it is that oral sex is not about going in and out... Oral sex is about the excitement, the intimacy, and the control over your partner. If you and your partner are in this mood, oral sex is very, very easy, and you probably know that. But what if you're in the mood and he's not? I think this is where your question is heading
The thing that you have to do at this point, is make him want it. How do you do that, you ask? Ok, imagine sitting in a movie theater. You're in the back, and have absolutely no interest in the movie. You're making out like...well... kids in a movie theater. Of course, we all know, this is not the appropriate venue to perform oral sex. But you can certainly make him want it.
Become aware of all your senses, and extremities. Where are your feet? Where are your hands? I don't think a brush of the hand down south would be way out of line in a theater, but like I said, this is not the appropriate venue for blatant sexual expression.
What, however, are you to do when you're at home? I read that you're a shy person. Well, this is something you'll have to overcome. Sadly, shyness totally destroys confidence. You will have to, somehow, overcome this shyness for initiation. If you're in the mood, don't feel guilty that you want something. All you have to do at this point, like I said, was make him want it as well. Let me ask this: When is it that you generally would like to try initiating oral sex but feel shy about it?
If doesn't have time to enjoy oral sex (like trying to get it done quickly before class, work, etc.), chances are, its going to be difficult to get him going. If however, there is plenty of time, and you just want to get him going, there are several things you can do. For example, after the shower. He's already vulnerable, naked, and (as a plus for you) clean! In fact, be ready when he gets out. Help dry him off, and then concentrate your attentions where you wish.
In my experience, surprise is almost always the best way to get me going. I love to be surprised with sex, of any kind. I love being touched just out of the blue, and I love where it usually goes. To be honest, to all-the-sudden feel a mouth on my penis feels really, really good. I'll get turned on very quickly. This is sometimes the only way that a partner can take him all the way into her mouth, which feels outrageous to most men. To be able to initiate this, however, takes confidence.
If you have any other questions, or this writing wasn't directed in a direction you had in mind, please do not hesitate to ask!
----------
It definitely helped me a lot. I am kind of insecure about it. I love the whole idea of it. I have a major oral fixation and I want to be good at this. But a little part of me hates the way it looks. And I understand it takes on a whole new light to a guy, but I sometimes (like the other day) ask the guy not to watch because whenever I see it in porn, it looks disgusting to me, even though I really enjoy doing it.
Does that make any sense?
----------
Of course it makes sense!
The fact that you do not like your partner watching you is directly attributed to your insecurity. As you continue, your insecurity will likely lessen, but you have to work on it; it won't happen *all* by itslef. Remember, though, the reasons you are performing oral sex. You're doing it partly because you want him to enjoy it, but you're also doing it partly because you enjoy doing it!
It's all a game of give and take. In the oral sex game, it's mostly about giving. I must tell you that oral sex for a man is very highly stimulating. Add in the ability to watch it being performed is certain to bring him over the edge. If you're not comfortable with it yet, then you may have to remind him that you don't want him watching--just yet. I suggest not hiding behind this phrase. Part of the reason he will enjoy oral is because you're enjoying it. If you continue telling him not to watch, me may like it even less because he feels you do not enjoy performing it.
It's just a difference of opinion, but I don't find the act disgusting at all. Either to watch, or watch being performed on me. I know that my partner is doing it because I enjoy it, and because she enjoys it to an extent. I love it when I can look down at her, and she smiles back up at me, even with a penis in her mouth. I realize how crude that sounds, but it is a super turn-on. For the man, that extra visual stimulation may be important for him to climax when you want him to, so this may be something you just have to get over.
Anything else you wish me to comment on or answer? Just ask!
----------
I guess I am just insecure because my first boyfriend, I could never get him off in the 5 months we were involved in sexual acts. Also, he was very reserved and hated whenever I asked him what to do to make it better, what he likes, etc. So I've sort of developed this phobia of being out-front about everything.
Know of any ways of maybe getting reassurance without coming out and saying I need it?
----------
First of all, I'm sorry that your first boyfriend was so sexually selfish. Even when receiving oral sex, he should be receptive to your needs as well. When he does not help to guide you to what brings him to orgasm, that is selfishness on his part.
It's too bad that he hated when you asked what made it better. Personally, I can't understand it... If somthing exists to make sex better, I'd definitely want to explore it! Perhaps, however, he was ashamed of sex somehow, and although he allowed you to try to bring him to orgasm, he had such negative feelings associated with sex that he was unable to climax. For example, perhaps his parents once caught him masturbating and did not handle it well, or his parents just tought him that sex was dirty and not something that a proper young man does. Even the sexual ignorance of parents is astounding, and this can have a traumatizing effect on young men (and women) that will negatively affect them for the rest of ther lives.
But, to get on with your current situation:
I believe, that your phobia may be unfounded. You probably do not have a fear of being up front, you probably are just calloused from your previous experience. This is just something that you will have to work on. Let go of your previous experience, and just forget about it. You must realize that this current boyfriend is different from your first, and that he has different wants and needs. There are now two sides, like discussed before. His side being that he wants to enjoy your actions, and your side being you want to please him orally. In order to fully satisfy both, you must overcome this obstacle simply by working on it, and dealing with it directly.
Are there ways of getting reassurance without asking? Of course! One of the biggest reassurances may be his orgasm itself. You probably realize that *you* did that. You alone had the power, took control, and satisfied him. Perhaps just some playing around will do it too. Give him the opportunity to praise your body, tell you how sexy you are, or some other compliment. This may be just the reassurance you're looking for.
It's not a bad thing to ask for that assurance either. There's no need to be so shy! If you're going so far as to be sexually active with your boyfriend, there's actually very, very little to be shy about. You've exposed yourself to him, you've shared yourself with him, and you've most likely satisfied him through your own actions.
It's never bad to ask him how you did. It's never a bad thing if a partner of mine asked me if I liked what she did. In fact, it's a perfect opportunity to praise her and her actions. It makes her feel good, and it makes me feel good to give her such high praise. If, however, there was something that he doesn't like about what you do, this is a good opportunity for him to tell you so that you can do better next time. You shouldn't take this as harsh criticism, instead, you should just keep it in mind for next time. Something tells me, though, that he has not criticized you, but in fact, probably thanks you for the opportunities you've given him.