"Jump, Soldier."
So, barring something extremly unprecedented happening, I'm no longer deploying.
I suddenly find I have a lot of decisions to make: some tough, some not as tough. My time in the service is up in March of 2006. I think I've pretty much already decided to reenlist for another three years, at the least. It's the smart move and one I make with little to no hesitation.
The Army has been good to me. It has asked a lot of me in the recent years, but, it has also given a lot in return. We are breaking even. I see in myself, through my military career, many possibilities of what I could one day be as well as a strong sense of who I am now. I have changed so much in the past two years. I'm, at the core, at the most basic levels, an entirly new person than I was as a lost, eighteen year old boy doomed to spend the rest of his life working in a restaraunt.
I'm stronger, I'm more confident and I'm happier.
There is, buried in me, a deep, resonating desire to do more with my military career. There is a deep, resonating pool within me that screams at me that I can do more, be more, challenge myself more. It occasionally trys to whisper to me, only to quickly be stifled on the off chance someone might actually hear it.
I spoke with my First Sergeant today. I told him of my plans to reenlist and he said: "Great. I'll help you. What do you want? I''ll get it for you."
What do you want?
That is the question. What do I want from my career?
There is the easy answer: reenlist to stay at the 902nd, a place where you never really have to make any tough decisions, a place where you can get by without ever really testing yourself, a place where you are comfortable, a place where, you never really have to make Sergeant if you don't want to. You can float on as a Specialist, skirting the line of mediocrity and never daring to attempt to become a leader.
There is the not-so-easy answer: the answer that begs you to dare to tap into that well inside you. The answer that tells you: "So, you think you can do more? You think you can be something more? Prove it."
It's like I'm standing on a cliff. It's like I've been standing on a cliff for the past four years of my life. I'm standing on the cliff and there is a voice inside my head that is saying to me: "Jump. You can make it. Trust me."
But, the cliff is safe. What if I jump and I'm wrong about myself? What if I jump and my First Sergeant is wrong about me? What if I jump and SSG Morse was wrong about me? What if I jump and all the people that have told me that I wasn't an "ordinary soldier" and that they all saw in me a potential to be something else entirely, what if they were all wrong about me?
"I want you out of this unit," he told me today, "but, not for any derogatory reasons. You sell yourself short. You are a commodity. You are a rarety in the Army. You sell yourself short. I understand why you want to stay at the 902nd. You like to be in your comfort zone, but, think about all of the times you've been out of your comfort zone. Think about how exceptionally you've performed. You have exceptional leadership potential and I think you would have a great deal to offer to a young soldier."
I wish that I could explain this better, because, I'm not sure how much sense this makes to someone not in the military. This is, by no means, a cry for everyone on my journal to start posting about how strong I am or to remind me of the incredible thing it is that i'm doing. I get all that. I've heard it. This is nothing more than me putting words to the fears and the tummble of emotions that are swirling around inside of me at the prospect of what I'm being told that I'm capable of. It's about something so much more than just being in the military.
Is this really where I want to go? Do I want to start down a path that could, quite literally, somewhere in the future, lead to the doors of Ranger Regiment and/or Special Forces? Do I want to be one of those people that end up giving their entire lives to the military? I love my country, to be sure. How much though? I've deployed twice, I've bled and I've sweat, all in the name of my country. How much more am I willing to give to my flag? Am I willing to go the distance?
Can I even go the distance?
I've been thinking about the NCO's and former NCO's I've met that I've come to respect the hell out of: SSG Morse, First Sergeant, Adam...
They all jumped.
They jumped, and, at some point in the time that I've known them, each of them has told me how much of a disservice I was doing, how much I was holding myself back by staying with the 902nd. They have all used to term "leadership potential" when talking about me; and that I needed to get the type of leadership experience you can only get at a unit like the 513th MI Brigade on Fort Gordon, GA.
They all jumped and lived and they're telling me to do the same, because, they see in me some quality that is, apparantly lacking in most other soldiers.
They're telling me to jump.
But what if...
I suddenly find I have a lot of decisions to make: some tough, some not as tough. My time in the service is up in March of 2006. I think I've pretty much already decided to reenlist for another three years, at the least. It's the smart move and one I make with little to no hesitation.
The Army has been good to me. It has asked a lot of me in the recent years, but, it has also given a lot in return. We are breaking even. I see in myself, through my military career, many possibilities of what I could one day be as well as a strong sense of who I am now. I have changed so much in the past two years. I'm, at the core, at the most basic levels, an entirly new person than I was as a lost, eighteen year old boy doomed to spend the rest of his life working in a restaraunt.
I'm stronger, I'm more confident and I'm happier.
There is, buried in me, a deep, resonating desire to do more with my military career. There is a deep, resonating pool within me that screams at me that I can do more, be more, challenge myself more. It occasionally trys to whisper to me, only to quickly be stifled on the off chance someone might actually hear it.
I spoke with my First Sergeant today. I told him of my plans to reenlist and he said: "Great. I'll help you. What do you want? I''ll get it for you."
What do you want?
That is the question. What do I want from my career?
There is the easy answer: reenlist to stay at the 902nd, a place where you never really have to make any tough decisions, a place where you can get by without ever really testing yourself, a place where you are comfortable, a place where, you never really have to make Sergeant if you don't want to. You can float on as a Specialist, skirting the line of mediocrity and never daring to attempt to become a leader.
There is the not-so-easy answer: the answer that begs you to dare to tap into that well inside you. The answer that tells you: "So, you think you can do more? You think you can be something more? Prove it."
It's like I'm standing on a cliff. It's like I've been standing on a cliff for the past four years of my life. I'm standing on the cliff and there is a voice inside my head that is saying to me: "Jump. You can make it. Trust me."
But, the cliff is safe. What if I jump and I'm wrong about myself? What if I jump and my First Sergeant is wrong about me? What if I jump and SSG Morse was wrong about me? What if I jump and all the people that have told me that I wasn't an "ordinary soldier" and that they all saw in me a potential to be something else entirely, what if they were all wrong about me?
"I want you out of this unit," he told me today, "but, not for any derogatory reasons. You sell yourself short. You are a commodity. You are a rarety in the Army. You sell yourself short. I understand why you want to stay at the 902nd. You like to be in your comfort zone, but, think about all of the times you've been out of your comfort zone. Think about how exceptionally you've performed. You have exceptional leadership potential and I think you would have a great deal to offer to a young soldier."
I wish that I could explain this better, because, I'm not sure how much sense this makes to someone not in the military. This is, by no means, a cry for everyone on my journal to start posting about how strong I am or to remind me of the incredible thing it is that i'm doing. I get all that. I've heard it. This is nothing more than me putting words to the fears and the tummble of emotions that are swirling around inside of me at the prospect of what I'm being told that I'm capable of. It's about something so much more than just being in the military.
Is this really where I want to go? Do I want to start down a path that could, quite literally, somewhere in the future, lead to the doors of Ranger Regiment and/or Special Forces? Do I want to be one of those people that end up giving their entire lives to the military? I love my country, to be sure. How much though? I've deployed twice, I've bled and I've sweat, all in the name of my country. How much more am I willing to give to my flag? Am I willing to go the distance?
Can I even go the distance?
I've been thinking about the NCO's and former NCO's I've met that I've come to respect the hell out of: SSG Morse, First Sergeant, Adam...
They all jumped.
They jumped, and, at some point in the time that I've known them, each of them has told me how much of a disservice I was doing, how much I was holding myself back by staying with the 902nd. They have all used to term "leadership potential" when talking about me; and that I needed to get the type of leadership experience you can only get at a unit like the 513th MI Brigade on Fort Gordon, GA.
They all jumped and lived and they're telling me to do the same, because, they see in me some quality that is, apparantly lacking in most other soldiers.
They're telling me to jump.
But what if...