14 June 2000
WEATHER
The rain rages on! The Wizard Outlet is carrying long-Jon rubber boots that have the added pleasure of keeping your head dry! Just flick the rubber around your neck and throw on those boots! Most sized fit all! Made from recycled opera gloves! Keep the planet green!
FROCK FANCY?
As claimed by more than one avid reader, famed Death Eater Antonin Dolohov was an avid wearer of frocks, both when alone and in public! Many 'lovers' have come forward and claimed to have been part of his many sexual experimentations, including wearing frocks, tying oneself up in spaghetti noodles, and wearing boots on one's hands and trying to 'have a go'.
While it has never been a secret that Dolohov is a deeply disturbed and perverse man, it must come as a shock to hear he did such odd and surprising things whilst alone or in the company of any one of his many lovers. Dolohov was an alcoholic and an avid drug-user, and it comes as no surprise to this author that he deviated to such outstanding means to satisfy his sexual hunger when he was used to nothing less than lunacy in every other aspect of his life.
DEW DROP IN
The Dew Drop Inn's owner Isaiah Boswell is opening his doors to all who are looking for a place to stay while the flood rages on! Diagon Alley is being hit particularly bad, and the Prophet urges all landowners to do a tip-top job of keeping those shield charms up. In the meantime, why not drop by the Inn?
The Dew Drop Inn sports a quaint, outrageous sort of atmosphere where those of varying interests can feel at home! There are spas for the customers with more embarrassing bodily deformities, or those who can be occupied by two(2) customers at once. A favourite amongst the young couples! There's a room even that is filled by 99 mattresses supported by one lone pea for those who are interested in tackling an age-old question while they sleep!
There's nothing less than adventure that waits for each person who walks inside, so why not relieve the boredom and depression while the storm rages on? Drop right in! Everyone welcome! Bring your pet! Your family! Your grandma's boyfriend!
Boswell in the most respectable photo he's ever taken.
THE WORLD'S PLEASURES
Today marks the opening of Diagon Alley's newest shop The World's Pleasures: a shop that boasts a collection of sweets so vast it far exceeds the stock of Hogesmead's Honeydukes. The World's Pleasures carries muggle candy, making them somewhat controversial and scrumptious in this unsettled time, but already they're showing mean profit: the line extends far past the work in progress The Dolly Roger, rumoured to be owned by Rudolph Atkins, notorious friend of wanted Death Eater Edric Nott. Know well for his charisma and charming nature, this reporter wonders if we'll have a bit of a competition for sweetness between the two shops. But The Dolly Roger has been under construction for quite some time now: who knows when it will open. One thing's for sure: they'll be lucky to find the public that The World's Pleasures have drawn in. Who doesn't want customers who love candy?
All the best this week! Keep dry!
From your trusted name in news, Demetrius Greensmith.
Who is not a vampire.