even the best fall down sometimes
I have a lot to update you all on. Things are moving in a positive direction, though I've been pushing myself too hard again, and I'm starting to lose it from all this non-stop action. My twitter can give you an idea of what's been going on. But you'll see soon. Things are changing faster than you think. I feel like my head has been underwater. My absorption lines, they are frayed.
So I need to say this, and I need you all to not to get on my case about it. Because it has really been bothering me and I've been beating myself up over it.
Pretty much without fail, anytime I meet a new guy or attempt to go on a date, I have a dream about Kevin. It's as if he is finding me in subconscious thought once I've finally managed to avoid thinking about us in any conscious way.
Last week, it went this way: He arrived in town on a train. I saw him and waved. He was going to see a guy he was dating. I didn't get angry at this, because I was so happy to just have a chance to talk to him. To see him smile and be happy. I worry I won't see your face light up again. I haven't seen him happy in a long time. I told him he needed to come visit me. That I'd moved now and I was fixing all the things he was unhappy about while he was with me. And then we sort of had a quiet moment where I wondered if he was thinking "so what?"
It just made me realize how much I still wish I had his approval. I'm not going to romanticize our relationship or say I want it back. I don't think I am 'not over him' in the sense that I would go back to that. But I am so sad that in the end we tore each other apart. I loved him a lot. I feel like he misunderstood everything I've said to or about him this year. That he still thinks I'm attacking him. I find myself still wondering why it all had to happen that way. Why he pulled away from me. What I could have done. I know he thinks I am mad when I say this, but until I feel better about it I have to keep telling mysef: what he did was not right. And he does have a need to be with guys. To get a lot of personal attention. I can't say I am happy that he is dating as much as he is now, because I don't think you can just go from guy to guy hoping to find a perfect fit. I am trying to sit back and have some growth time and internalize. But that is his choice and he can figure that out for himself. Finding happiness is never easy, and I don't claim to know the right way for myself much less anyone else. So while I'm not saying we were perfect for each other, I am saying we were better than what we ended up doing to each other. That I really enjoyed what we had. That he still goes through my head every day. That I feel so dumb for letting it still get to me. I am not an "out of sight, out of mind" person.
Walking around the Virgin Festival this weekend, I had so many things I wanted to tell him. I went through the exact same situation when I broke up with Matt and Kris. I kept thinking he would have loved to see KT Tunstall with me; that he'd think the green area of the festival was awesome (they were giving away a Yaris); that we could have had an awesome time crowd surfing together. It just reminded me of things I still wanted to do with him but never had the chance.
I really miss my best friend.
I guess (rightfully so) this has been a huge blow to my confidence. I still wake up every day and have to physically tell myself I have a lot to offer. It's so dumb, I know. I can't rationalize my way out of it, it's all emotional. Half the time I am out in social situations and just want to leave for the next room. To run to my car. To not feel like I'm being judged or need to impress. We had something that is hard to compare to (I felt) and it blew up in my face. I am so scared of having anybody else cut me down further. I need to feel special first. If I'm out with a guy and he talks about somebody else he thinks is hot, that's it, it's over.
I don't blame Kevin and I don't want him to think I hate him. And yeah, I am trying to move on to other guys, but I am no longer compromising. Dating is a waste of time if you don't demand to be treated well. And I'm really trying to convince myself that I deserve it. Is it so bad to want to be considered cute? Even if I know I have other things to offer if someone doesn't find me physically attractive? I have so much I want to share right now. The time will come when everything is in place, I guess.