if you wanted me you would be here with me
and today i have so many things i want to tell him. regina is coming back to town. the show we saw is on you tube and her new video for fidelity is awesome and made me think of him. i want to be able to tell him about the crazy new great things in my life. i want him to be able to tell me the same things.i want to take him to the beach, to see his sister. i want him to hold me. to be with me.
but he doesn't want all that i want and i can't keep crying about it and i know you're all tired of hearing about it.
last night i started physically shaking at that party. i was having a great time. then wes came upstairs and told me he thought he saw Matt come in.
i kept thinking "he doesn't belong here". this isn't his crowd, he doesn't fit in. these people are mine. i wasn't going to leave. i was going to tell him to go. because for once i was having a good time and i wasn't thinking about how all these little things remind me of him.
it hurts the most that we've spent so much time discussing how we're frightened of our relationship or lack thereof that i think those arguments totally diluted any relationship we could have had. i don't know how things would have ever gone down had we gotten back together. but we're not going to.
and no, you can't have it both ways. that was screwed up.
it makes me so angry that he couldn't consistently want me. not because i wanted him. but because i'm so fucking better than that.
sorry, just had to get that out.
--
meanwhile, i'm creating some really awesome stuff over at vox. it's pretty much playing into everything i've been wanting to do, so when i'm ready to share i will.
but he doesn't want all that i want and i can't keep crying about it and i know you're all tired of hearing about it.
last night i started physically shaking at that party. i was having a great time. then wes came upstairs and told me he thought he saw Matt come in.
i kept thinking "he doesn't belong here". this isn't his crowd, he doesn't fit in. these people are mine. i wasn't going to leave. i was going to tell him to go. because for once i was having a good time and i wasn't thinking about how all these little things remind me of him.
it hurts the most that we've spent so much time discussing how we're frightened of our relationship or lack thereof that i think those arguments totally diluted any relationship we could have had. i don't know how things would have ever gone down had we gotten back together. but we're not going to.
and no, you can't have it both ways. that was screwed up.
it makes me so angry that he couldn't consistently want me. not because i wanted him. but because i'm so fucking better than that.
sorry, just had to get that out.
--
meanwhile, i'm creating some really awesome stuff over at vox. it's pretty much playing into everything i've been wanting to do, so when i'm ready to share i will.