"too soon?"
So hopefully I will post this because I want to be as transparent as I can when I talk about this.
In my opinion I’ve only been in love once. Love equaling respect, compromise, physical, emotional intellectual compatibility, the whole ninety zillion yards. And that was with Kris.
He sort of began my fatal attraction to Cancers. It’s hard to talk about that now, because as he and I discussed today, it’s something I like to think I’m past (it’s important to be so that we can be good friends now) and I’d also like to think that you have to have a certain level of reciprocation for it to be called love… and I know his feelings for Doug are way stronger than whatever we had. Take note: he never used the word with me as flagrantly as I did with him… a running trend with boys I’ve capital or lower case loved. But you know, we had something and that’s undeniable, I can still say to this day that I love him and his annoying catch phrases. That period in my life is memorized down to the moment.
Nobody's gonna break my heart
And hurt me like they did before
No one can even get the part
Not until I know it's deep
Can't you come and take me away
For a few years it really scared me to ever meet a boy who was anything close to that. To not push away. I was so uncertain as to why it fell apart, why I couldn’t win him back. It’s a lot easier to write someone off and not let them get close to you than to wonder if at any minute it’s going to implode. And it does, it’s that simple. Chemicals just don’t do what they should.
When I became that bitter, it was also really easy for the other boys to write me off. There’s a short list of guys who, for whatever reason, at the time that I knew them, I thought could have amounted to what Kris and I had. Justin, Jase, most recently Matt. Some I never even dated but wanted to… Adam, Ryan. I like to think in my head that timing was the main issue. I was at a bad place. I practically rejected myself with some of them. Others never knew how I felt because I knew they didn’t have any grounds to feel that way about me. I was and am very great at hoping guys will think I’m great without ever knowing much about me. Point here being, I held the character traits of these gentlemen above most of the other boys I’ve slummed around with.
Jase was an interesting case because I had time to build our relationship in the months leading up to actually meeting. We bonded on being broken. It’s such a strange, almost embarrassing thing to talk about. I built my confidence back up, I thought I had the upper hand, I thought I could deal with it, but I couldn’t. When he met me in LA, I literally broke down. I felt like I had tried so hard to be what Kris wanted, what boy A, B, or C had wanted, and even though I had been at my best, it had never been enough. On that evening at that time I wasn’t who the guy wanted. And of course I just told myself it was a good sign of my own versatility that I could choose the version of me I wanted to be to match what I thought the guy would like. So when Jase touched down and the audition began, something in me freaked and I couldn’t act anymore. I wasn’t going to give a good show. I tried to play it cool for about eight hours not knowing what he thought of me after so much anticipation, and then I just broke down emotionally. From a lot of things. Deaths in my life, crazy shit. Things he shouldn’t have had to witness. But hey! We still talk to this day.
Our friendship is a strange one and it’s changing again now. He’s in Boston… as I’m starting to be to notice most of my friends move in that direction or to LA. Even Kris might switch coasts. Immediately after Jase left LA I couldn’t talk to him. I was embarrassed and mad. It probably wouldn’t have been a very fulfilling relationship (we were living in very different places do very different things) but whatever, I felt I had fucked it up. I don’t know why we were able to persevere through that time. I do feel like the great thing about this short list of boys is that they’ve seen the absolute worst, most psychotic mess I can and be and still stick by me or talk to me or make me smile here and there.
It’s hard thinking about Matt now. I can’t classify him. Maybe he won’t mean anything to me in a few weeks. I was really scared of losing him because I felt some sort of intimacy, but it wasn’t growing the way it should. It seemed one sided. We didn’t have the friendship grounded at all. I guess in the end I annoyed him because I was trying so hard to hold on, to not become that monster that I had been with Jase. I don’t blame myself for letting it go, and looking back we probably weren’t meant for each other either, but I wonder why he touched me that deeply for a brief second. There wasn’t anything special about what we did. Why did I get so vulnerable and gooey in a bad, bad way?
It’s a crazy thing, nesting, trying to build a little world for myself to display all the things I think I have to offer someone. Maybe I don’t even know anymore. When I was on that horrible date two weeks ago, I felt like maybe I’m not doing what I want with my life, like maybe I’m not proud of what I do. I’m kind of at a “stepping stone” point right now where I’m moving in the direction I want to be moving in, but I’m not there yet. Please don’t expect me to be saving Afghani children on a daily basis. And don’t call me heartless for being realistic.
I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
It’s also weird to know that I went from being someone who would only be in long term relationships to someone who hasn’t really had one in two years. I was convinced for a while that I wasn’t showing enough of myself, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think that if a guy wants to know me, he’ll ask the right questions and get involved. Matt never really asked anything about me. Van tried to get to know me by observing. But I think they never really go underneath to who I am or why I behave the way I do.
Ryan said to me on Saturday night that it seems I’m always dating someone. It’s not true. I’m always meeting people, always trying to fill these spaces. They aren’t spaces in me. I’ve decided that. I’m really happy with where I’m heading and what I’ve been able to accomplish. I just feel a lack of partnership.
Justin leaned over to me while we were dancing and said something to the effect of, “One day you’re going to have a wonderful guy and you’re just going to laugh at all of this.” It was so sweet of him, but at the same time, I think I already do laugh at it. I have stupid, safe fun. I meet a lot of guys and enjoy a lot of types of people. I don’t see myself as desperate. I pick myself up pretty well when I fall. I’m okay with being lonely sometimes. It doesn’t bother me that someone doesn’t get me or that I haven’t been able to show every person who I am. That I’m a prude to some and a freak to others. I can’t please everyone, and I guess I’m happily okay that the people who “get” me stick around and the people who don’t call me weird and move on. That I’m not auditioning anymore. It’s good, because this life isn’t for an audience.
I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home
It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is a part of me.
In my opinion I’ve only been in love once. Love equaling respect, compromise, physical, emotional intellectual compatibility, the whole ninety zillion yards. And that was with Kris.
He sort of began my fatal attraction to Cancers. It’s hard to talk about that now, because as he and I discussed today, it’s something I like to think I’m past (it’s important to be so that we can be good friends now) and I’d also like to think that you have to have a certain level of reciprocation for it to be called love… and I know his feelings for Doug are way stronger than whatever we had. Take note: he never used the word with me as flagrantly as I did with him… a running trend with boys I’ve capital or lower case loved. But you know, we had something and that’s undeniable, I can still say to this day that I love him and his annoying catch phrases. That period in my life is memorized down to the moment.
Nobody's gonna break my heart
And hurt me like they did before
No one can even get the part
Not until I know it's deep
Can't you come and take me away
For a few years it really scared me to ever meet a boy who was anything close to that. To not push away. I was so uncertain as to why it fell apart, why I couldn’t win him back. It’s a lot easier to write someone off and not let them get close to you than to wonder if at any minute it’s going to implode. And it does, it’s that simple. Chemicals just don’t do what they should.
When I became that bitter, it was also really easy for the other boys to write me off. There’s a short list of guys who, for whatever reason, at the time that I knew them, I thought could have amounted to what Kris and I had. Justin, Jase, most recently Matt. Some I never even dated but wanted to… Adam, Ryan. I like to think in my head that timing was the main issue. I was at a bad place. I practically rejected myself with some of them. Others never knew how I felt because I knew they didn’t have any grounds to feel that way about me. I was and am very great at hoping guys will think I’m great without ever knowing much about me. Point here being, I held the character traits of these gentlemen above most of the other boys I’ve slummed around with.
Jase was an interesting case because I had time to build our relationship in the months leading up to actually meeting. We bonded on being broken. It’s such a strange, almost embarrassing thing to talk about. I built my confidence back up, I thought I had the upper hand, I thought I could deal with it, but I couldn’t. When he met me in LA, I literally broke down. I felt like I had tried so hard to be what Kris wanted, what boy A, B, or C had wanted, and even though I had been at my best, it had never been enough. On that evening at that time I wasn’t who the guy wanted. And of course I just told myself it was a good sign of my own versatility that I could choose the version of me I wanted to be to match what I thought the guy would like. So when Jase touched down and the audition began, something in me freaked and I couldn’t act anymore. I wasn’t going to give a good show. I tried to play it cool for about eight hours not knowing what he thought of me after so much anticipation, and then I just broke down emotionally. From a lot of things. Deaths in my life, crazy shit. Things he shouldn’t have had to witness. But hey! We still talk to this day.
Our friendship is a strange one and it’s changing again now. He’s in Boston… as I’m starting to be to notice most of my friends move in that direction or to LA. Even Kris might switch coasts. Immediately after Jase left LA I couldn’t talk to him. I was embarrassed and mad. It probably wouldn’t have been a very fulfilling relationship (we were living in very different places do very different things) but whatever, I felt I had fucked it up. I don’t know why we were able to persevere through that time. I do feel like the great thing about this short list of boys is that they’ve seen the absolute worst, most psychotic mess I can and be and still stick by me or talk to me or make me smile here and there.
It’s hard thinking about Matt now. I can’t classify him. Maybe he won’t mean anything to me in a few weeks. I was really scared of losing him because I felt some sort of intimacy, but it wasn’t growing the way it should. It seemed one sided. We didn’t have the friendship grounded at all. I guess in the end I annoyed him because I was trying so hard to hold on, to not become that monster that I had been with Jase. I don’t blame myself for letting it go, and looking back we probably weren’t meant for each other either, but I wonder why he touched me that deeply for a brief second. There wasn’t anything special about what we did. Why did I get so vulnerable and gooey in a bad, bad way?
It’s a crazy thing, nesting, trying to build a little world for myself to display all the things I think I have to offer someone. Maybe I don’t even know anymore. When I was on that horrible date two weeks ago, I felt like maybe I’m not doing what I want with my life, like maybe I’m not proud of what I do. I’m kind of at a “stepping stone” point right now where I’m moving in the direction I want to be moving in, but I’m not there yet. Please don’t expect me to be saving Afghani children on a daily basis. And don’t call me heartless for being realistic.
I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
It’s also weird to know that I went from being someone who would only be in long term relationships to someone who hasn’t really had one in two years. I was convinced for a while that I wasn’t showing enough of myself, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think that if a guy wants to know me, he’ll ask the right questions and get involved. Matt never really asked anything about me. Van tried to get to know me by observing. But I think they never really go underneath to who I am or why I behave the way I do.
Ryan said to me on Saturday night that it seems I’m always dating someone. It’s not true. I’m always meeting people, always trying to fill these spaces. They aren’t spaces in me. I’ve decided that. I’m really happy with where I’m heading and what I’ve been able to accomplish. I just feel a lack of partnership.
Justin leaned over to me while we were dancing and said something to the effect of, “One day you’re going to have a wonderful guy and you’re just going to laugh at all of this.” It was so sweet of him, but at the same time, I think I already do laugh at it. I have stupid, safe fun. I meet a lot of guys and enjoy a lot of types of people. I don’t see myself as desperate. I pick myself up pretty well when I fall. I’m okay with being lonely sometimes. It doesn’t bother me that someone doesn’t get me or that I haven’t been able to show every person who I am. That I’m a prude to some and a freak to others. I can’t please everyone, and I guess I’m happily okay that the people who “get” me stick around and the people who don’t call me weird and move on. That I’m not auditioning anymore. It’s good, because this life isn’t for an audience.
I know it seems like people care
Cause they're always around me
But when the day is done and everybody runs
Who will be the one to save me from myself
Who will be the one who's there
And not ashamed to see me crawl
Who's gonna catch me when I fall
When the show is over
And it's empty everywhere
It's hard to face going back alone
So I walk around the city
Anything, anything to clear my head
I've got nowhere to go nowhere but home
It may seem I have everything
But everything means nothing
When the ride that you been on
That you're coming off
Leaves you feeling lost
Is anybody out there
Does anybody see
That sometimes loneliness is a part of me.