(no subject)
So, I normally don't put stuff like this in my lj. Actually, I haven't talked about this with anyone, but I need to or I'm going to explode.
For a while I was engaged to my best friend. A couple of months ago, we both decided that we make better friends than lovers and just went back to being best friends. Which is great because I wasn't ready for that level of commitment yet, and although we were sexually attracted to one another, we weren't sexually comfortable with each other, no matter how intimate and how comfortable we were on emotional levels.
Anyway, not long after we broke up, she met this guy. And it's awesome. He makes her really happy and she loves him so much. But, in the process of her falling in love and everything, I feel like I'm losing my best friend. We don't talk like we used to and I just feel...so alone. She's really my only close friend because I have a hard tme letting people in. And I just...can't seem to tell her. If I do, it'll seem like I'm jealous or not over her, which isn't true. I am.
Another thing that's bothering me is little things with this situation. A week or so ago, we were talking about how she's been having sex with him and everything. I asked her if she thought of him as her first, if he took her virginity. What I really wanted to ask was if she still thought of me as her first. She told me "I don't know." In a way that pisses me off. Yes, we aren't engaged or romantically involved, and although I love her, it's the love for family. But, I still think of her as my first. I mean, she was the first person I trusted enough to allow that kind of intimacy. And she told me before that it was the same for her. Now, she's not sure. It...hurts. I mean, I thought that the intimacy we had shared was special and now it's like...it's almost like it didn't exist at all.
Maybe I'm just overreacting. But I just, I just want to bury my face in my pillow and cry right now. I feel so hurt and so lost and so alone and I can't even tell her without seeming like a total ass. And I don't want to do that. She's happier now than she ever has been or ever was with me and I don't want to ruin that. Actually, I won't ruin it. But, I just...I want my best friend back. I don't know what to do anymore. Oh god, I need some help. I just don't know who I can talk to.
I'm sorry to everyone for spamming your journals with this. I just don't know where to go to anymore.
For a while I was engaged to my best friend. A couple of months ago, we both decided that we make better friends than lovers and just went back to being best friends. Which is great because I wasn't ready for that level of commitment yet, and although we were sexually attracted to one another, we weren't sexually comfortable with each other, no matter how intimate and how comfortable we were on emotional levels.
Anyway, not long after we broke up, she met this guy. And it's awesome. He makes her really happy and she loves him so much. But, in the process of her falling in love and everything, I feel like I'm losing my best friend. We don't talk like we used to and I just feel...so alone. She's really my only close friend because I have a hard tme letting people in. And I just...can't seem to tell her. If I do, it'll seem like I'm jealous or not over her, which isn't true. I am.
Another thing that's bothering me is little things with this situation. A week or so ago, we were talking about how she's been having sex with him and everything. I asked her if she thought of him as her first, if he took her virginity. What I really wanted to ask was if she still thought of me as her first. She told me "I don't know." In a way that pisses me off. Yes, we aren't engaged or romantically involved, and although I love her, it's the love for family. But, I still think of her as my first. I mean, she was the first person I trusted enough to allow that kind of intimacy. And she told me before that it was the same for her. Now, she's not sure. It...hurts. I mean, I thought that the intimacy we had shared was special and now it's like...it's almost like it didn't exist at all.
Maybe I'm just overreacting. But I just, I just want to bury my face in my pillow and cry right now. I feel so hurt and so lost and so alone and I can't even tell her without seeming like a total ass. And I don't want to do that. She's happier now than she ever has been or ever was with me and I don't want to ruin that. Actually, I won't ruin it. But, I just...I want my best friend back. I don't know what to do anymore. Oh god, I need some help. I just don't know who I can talk to.
I'm sorry to everyone for spamming your journals with this. I just don't know where to go to anymore.