Nana Fic
Bwahaha. My head aches. @_@ Oh well. I wrote this a while back. I'm still not satisfied with it though. No idea why. ::shrugs:: I adore Nsna to death. The series and the Nana in this fic.
I watched the cigarette in between my fingers, watched as the grayish-white smoke curled into the air. It was already my fifth one today.
~”Nana…I’ll be going to Tokyo. So you can live your life anyway you like!”~
Ren’s words seemed to echo in my ears for the hundredth time today. I knew with certainty that it would not be the last time I heard it, but knowing this did not lessen the pain.
Today would be the last day before Ren left for Tokyo.
The reality of it still hurt, but the emptiness of the apartment before me only strengthened the truth. Ren would leave tomorrow and it would be the end of our relationship. A relationship that had lasted a year and three months.
The cigarette’s smoke was calming and I inhaled another lung full of smoke. As the bitter taste burst into my mouth, I thought absently that I would probably die of cancer before I could ever reach Tokyo. It didn’t seem to matter. After all, people died one way or another.
I stood up and crushed the cigarette into the ashtray beside me and strode to the closet. Pulling it open, I rummaged around for a moment, my fingers brushing at various fabrics until I found it. The dress was the only red one that I owned. It was that dress that I wore to the concert.
~~~***~~~
The crowd was loud and I was constantly jostled by the people behind me. I didn’t pay attention to the pain of hands and elbows digging into my back.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of the man upon the stage.
Sound and touch seemed to fade and then disappear. I could no longer hear the crowd or the music. I could no longer feel the restless energy of the crowd. There was only the man clad in dark leather upon the stage.
Look at me, I thought. Pay attention to me, I thought.
His eyes lighted upon me and in that moment, a feeling was born inside me. An indescribable feeling that was mixed with sweetness, jealousy, impatience and finally, desire.
~~~***~~~
Even to this day, to this moment in time, living with Ren had always seemed a dream. A dream that was too sweet to be reality.
There had been moments, where no matter how impatient or how much I wanted to understand Ren, I couldn’t. Even if I reached out with all my soul, it felt as if I could not touch him at all.
Ren was everything to me.
To me, who grew up hating myself and everyone around me, Ren was a light. A light so bright that seemed to eclipse the world. A light that I could not touch even if I tried. Despite that, I wanted to. I wanted to understand Ren so badly. I still do.
I love Ren.
He gave me the happiness of singing and the hope to keep on living. He taught me to play the guitar. Anything and everything of my life seemed to have begun that day one year and three months ago. And now, it was coming to an end.
I wanted to be able to give up everything for Ren. To travel with Ren to Tokyo, make his meals, clean his house or perhaps … bear his children. That would also be happiness, wouldn’t it?
But I couldn’t stand it. The idea of having a stable family was startlingly wonderful, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand my whole life merely revolving around one single person. I didn’t want to just be Ren’s woman. I didn’t just want to be his wife or his lover.
I wanted to be Oosaki Nana. I wanted to be a woman who could stand on her own two feet. I wanted to be able to create a life with my singing. Even if that meant giving up Ren.
We both knew that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. Phone calls and letters were meaningless. Unable to see each other, touch one another and tightly embrace, there wasn’t any meaning.
The red dress in my hands seemed to glow and I realized that I was crying. I hated these tears because I felt so weak. They fell onto the dress and turned a deep red. Like blood. My heart was bleeding.
Tomorrow, Ren would leave and that would be the end of our relationship. Tomorrow, I would put on this red dress that was there from the beginning and until the end. We would embrace and kiss for the last time. My heart would shatter inside me and I would cry. But I would go on living despite the pain.
I would use my own two hands and this singing that was brought forth by Ren’s love to make my way to Tokyo. With only my guitar and a packet of cigarettes, I would go and, perhaps, I would find Ren all over again.
~Owari~
I watched the cigarette in between my fingers, watched as the grayish-white smoke curled into the air. It was already my fifth one today.
~”Nana…I’ll be going to Tokyo. So you can live your life anyway you like!”~
Ren’s words seemed to echo in my ears for the hundredth time today. I knew with certainty that it would not be the last time I heard it, but knowing this did not lessen the pain.
Today would be the last day before Ren left for Tokyo.
The reality of it still hurt, but the emptiness of the apartment before me only strengthened the truth. Ren would leave tomorrow and it would be the end of our relationship. A relationship that had lasted a year and three months.
The cigarette’s smoke was calming and I inhaled another lung full of smoke. As the bitter taste burst into my mouth, I thought absently that I would probably die of cancer before I could ever reach Tokyo. It didn’t seem to matter. After all, people died one way or another.
I stood up and crushed the cigarette into the ashtray beside me and strode to the closet. Pulling it open, I rummaged around for a moment, my fingers brushing at various fabrics until I found it. The dress was the only red one that I owned. It was that dress that I wore to the concert.
~~~***~~~
The crowd was loud and I was constantly jostled by the people behind me. I didn’t pay attention to the pain of hands and elbows digging into my back.
I couldn’t take my eyes off of the man upon the stage.
Sound and touch seemed to fade and then disappear. I could no longer hear the crowd or the music. I could no longer feel the restless energy of the crowd. There was only the man clad in dark leather upon the stage.
Look at me, I thought. Pay attention to me, I thought.
His eyes lighted upon me and in that moment, a feeling was born inside me. An indescribable feeling that was mixed with sweetness, jealousy, impatience and finally, desire.
~~~***~~~
Even to this day, to this moment in time, living with Ren had always seemed a dream. A dream that was too sweet to be reality.
There had been moments, where no matter how impatient or how much I wanted to understand Ren, I couldn’t. Even if I reached out with all my soul, it felt as if I could not touch him at all.
Ren was everything to me.
To me, who grew up hating myself and everyone around me, Ren was a light. A light so bright that seemed to eclipse the world. A light that I could not touch even if I tried. Despite that, I wanted to. I wanted to understand Ren so badly. I still do.
I love Ren.
He gave me the happiness of singing and the hope to keep on living. He taught me to play the guitar. Anything and everything of my life seemed to have begun that day one year and three months ago. And now, it was coming to an end.
I wanted to be able to give up everything for Ren. To travel with Ren to Tokyo, make his meals, clean his house or perhaps … bear his children. That would also be happiness, wouldn’t it?
But I couldn’t stand it. The idea of having a stable family was startlingly wonderful, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand my whole life merely revolving around one single person. I didn’t want to just be Ren’s woman. I didn’t just want to be his wife or his lover.
I wanted to be Oosaki Nana. I wanted to be a woman who could stand on her own two feet. I wanted to be able to create a life with my singing. Even if that meant giving up Ren.
We both knew that a long distance relationship wouldn’t work. Phone calls and letters were meaningless. Unable to see each other, touch one another and tightly embrace, there wasn’t any meaning.
The red dress in my hands seemed to glow and I realized that I was crying. I hated these tears because I felt so weak. They fell onto the dress and turned a deep red. Like blood. My heart was bleeding.
Tomorrow, Ren would leave and that would be the end of our relationship. Tomorrow, I would put on this red dress that was there from the beginning and until the end. We would embrace and kiss for the last time. My heart would shatter inside me and I would cry. But I would go on living despite the pain.
I would use my own two hands and this singing that was brought forth by Ren’s love to make my way to Tokyo. With only my guitar and a packet of cigarettes, I would go and, perhaps, I would find Ren all over again.
~Owari~