Disheartened Conversation?
All of this past week I've been feeling better and better, physically and mentally. Monday was a little rough because the brain-thing refused to start up until three in the afternoon, but I've been feeling stronger than I have since my operation over a year ago, my mind seemed to be working at peak effeciency, though not in the area I wish it were, getting a job. And yet today it seemed to crash.
I managed to talk to two of my friends, whom, while they are female and attractive to my sensibilities, I have no intrest in cultivating any relationship beyond the strong friendship I have with each of them, and laugh about normal things, it seemed to drain me and I can't figure out why.
I went to church, and actually got very little out of the service, it just didn't resonate with me at all, though in my current circumstances it really should have. And afterwords spoke with Xan-kun for a little bit before he had to leave, and he emoed about not having talked with his girlfriend, which will be teasing him about next time I see him, because shortly after, she came online. I shoved some of the unusual luck I've been having with timing at her, so maybe they'll be able to communicate before he gets to bad.
I realized after she'd left, that some of the things I'd wanted to say I simply hadn't gotten to, though I'm positive I'll have other chances. And I realized that the 'not being able to say things I've wanted to' doesn't just apply to musume, or to my friends that I do talk to, it's the ones that I haven't talked to that I really want to speak to like 'Claire' (ask and I'll explain where the psudonym comes from, all of the brain-bugs agree that it's really fun to tease and I've gotten rather tired of using impersonal pronouns to describe her) and the others of the FR, it's been far too long since we had an honest-to-goodness FR chat, and I know that several of you actually live together now, but I'm not one of them, so I'm missing out on a lot.
I'd created the online D&D group when the FR fell on Divvy, to try and keep us together, and though Xan-kun is the only original member of that team remaining, it does work wonders for my self-esteem to know that we do still meet and we do have fun together, even if we don't end up RPing. Just meeting to chat and have fun is great.
The fact that 'Claire' is the one that I have any intention of persuing the possibility of a relationship more than friendship with (*glares at the other brain-bugs and hefts bow threateningly*) eventually, doesn't seem at all interested in speaking to me might be part of the issue. I think part of that is the issue I had with my 'crushes' on the Phoenix and the Unicorn.. they didn't come out until after I had met them in person, which only made me try to crush it out of mind even worse, and I definately don't want the same thing to happen when I meet 'Claire', which I both want to happen soon and am partly frightened about what the mind has proposed as possible events when it does, though the showing off is really fun to think about.
'Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what's inside'
I've been really actively overanalyzing what my music player chooses recently too, especially because it seems to be sending the same message, which isn't what the brain-bugs (who usually control how my mind works when I'm trying to sleep) want, but what I prefer to imagine would happen, in a perfect world at least.
I managed to talk to two of my friends, whom, while they are female and attractive to my sensibilities, I have no intrest in cultivating any relationship beyond the strong friendship I have with each of them, and laugh about normal things, it seemed to drain me and I can't figure out why.
I went to church, and actually got very little out of the service, it just didn't resonate with me at all, though in my current circumstances it really should have. And afterwords spoke with Xan-kun for a little bit before he had to leave, and he emoed about not having talked with his girlfriend, which will be teasing him about next time I see him, because shortly after, she came online. I shoved some of the unusual luck I've been having with timing at her, so maybe they'll be able to communicate before he gets to bad.
I realized after she'd left, that some of the things I'd wanted to say I simply hadn't gotten to, though I'm positive I'll have other chances. And I realized that the 'not being able to say things I've wanted to' doesn't just apply to musume, or to my friends that I do talk to, it's the ones that I haven't talked to that I really want to speak to like 'Claire' (ask and I'll explain where the psudonym comes from, all of the brain-bugs agree that it's really fun to tease and I've gotten rather tired of using impersonal pronouns to describe her) and the others of the FR, it's been far too long since we had an honest-to-goodness FR chat, and I know that several of you actually live together now, but I'm not one of them, so I'm missing out on a lot.
I'd created the online D&D group when the FR fell on Divvy, to try and keep us together, and though Xan-kun is the only original member of that team remaining, it does work wonders for my self-esteem to know that we do still meet and we do have fun together, even if we don't end up RPing. Just meeting to chat and have fun is great.
The fact that 'Claire' is the one that I have any intention of persuing the possibility of a relationship more than friendship with (*glares at the other brain-bugs and hefts bow threateningly*) eventually, doesn't seem at all interested in speaking to me might be part of the issue. I think part of that is the issue I had with my 'crushes' on the Phoenix and the Unicorn.. they didn't come out until after I had met them in person, which only made me try to crush it out of mind even worse, and I definately don't want the same thing to happen when I meet 'Claire', which I both want to happen soon and am partly frightened about what the mind has proposed as possible events when it does, though the showing off is really fun to think about.
'Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what's inside'
I've been really actively overanalyzing what my music player chooses recently too, especially because it seems to be sending the same message, which isn't what the brain-bugs (who usually control how my mind works when I'm trying to sleep) want, but what I prefer to imagine would happen, in a perfect world at least.