Courage Trap
I've known for years that I have issues with courage, and it's not that I don't have any, it's that it's never around when I need it.
Yesterday I wanted to give a friend a (IM) gift for her birthday, I was all set to talk to her and offer the present, and it wasn't like it was even all that unusual, she's a friend and her birthday was the day before, so it should have simple to start off, But when she finally came online, I couldn't say a thing. It took a pep talk from a friend before I was able to regather my courage, and then I still stayed quiet for an hour or two before I finally started the conversation. Once the conversation started and the gift was given, conversation started just fine, but the starting courage abandoned me just when the opportunity was presented.
Even worse, in the time before I took the opportunity I felt horrible. My friends are the most important thing to me, this one even more so (possibly because of what my muses want for it's future), and so not having the courage to talk to her was actually hurting me. Starting a conversation with Xan, Ly, Eve and even Aya-chan sometimes isn't that big an issue, though I prefer to wait for them to speak first since I'm not naturally an outgoing person, but being this torn about starting the conversation.. *sigh*
I realize that by posting this I might be scaring her, but I think I just needed to write it out for myself. I very much value my friendships, and if I ever do anything to harm my relationship with anyone. I know how much a broken relationship hurts from either side by experience (even though we have pretty good relationship with our mom now, both my sister and I would rather live on the street than live with her again) and I don't want to go through it again.
On a lighter note, it's very odd to have your muse walk into your head and order you to go to sleep because she's tired. Jamie was frightened by her nightmare (read down a few entries) and so we've taken to sleeping with her curled up in a ball and me semi-curled around her. It makes her feel protected, lets me feel like a protector and listening to music keeps Arcion occupied, so we're all happy and actually feel rested in the mornings.
Yesterday I wanted to give a friend a (IM) gift for her birthday, I was all set to talk to her and offer the present, and it wasn't like it was even all that unusual, she's a friend and her birthday was the day before, so it should have simple to start off, But when she finally came online, I couldn't say a thing. It took a pep talk from a friend before I was able to regather my courage, and then I still stayed quiet for an hour or two before I finally started the conversation. Once the conversation started and the gift was given, conversation started just fine, but the starting courage abandoned me just when the opportunity was presented.
Even worse, in the time before I took the opportunity I felt horrible. My friends are the most important thing to me, this one even more so (possibly because of what my muses want for it's future), and so not having the courage to talk to her was actually hurting me. Starting a conversation with Xan, Ly, Eve and even Aya-chan sometimes isn't that big an issue, though I prefer to wait for them to speak first since I'm not naturally an outgoing person, but being this torn about starting the conversation.. *sigh*
I realize that by posting this I might be scaring her, but I think I just needed to write it out for myself. I very much value my friendships, and if I ever do anything to harm my relationship with anyone. I know how much a broken relationship hurts from either side by experience (even though we have pretty good relationship with our mom now, both my sister and I would rather live on the street than live with her again) and I don't want to go through it again.
On a lighter note, it's very odd to have your muse walk into your head and order you to go to sleep because she's tired. Jamie was frightened by her nightmare (read down a few entries) and so we've taken to sleeping with her curled up in a ball and me semi-curled around her. It makes her feel protected, lets me feel like a protector and listening to music keeps Arcion occupied, so we're all happy and actually feel rested in the mornings.