Pinky is pondering (LONG)
I am making this an open post as maybe my SCA family will find it illuminating.
There has been a lot of ugliness in my life the last 18 months. Stuff at the workplace (you name it, it happened), my father's long illness and death (breathing apparatus now make me sick instead of vaguely curious), negative social politics and a larger than usual dose of bad world news.
When faced with bad, one fights to maintain, overcome or ignore. Just keeping going is the important thing until it passes.
I thought that my strong family life would neutralize the toxic effects of the ugliness (after all, none of it was self-inflicted so no side helping of blame/guilt) but this protection has not been absolute.
This lengthy bad spell has done something to me. It's not irremedial, and recognizing it now will go a ways to correcting it, but it needs to be said.
I've always been somewhat shy and quiet (but never mentally!) but now this is starting to border on neurosis - fear of joining gatherings/not feeling welcome. For example, I could NOT go to the CD release party at Trilliums as I felt I had to be personally invited (how stupid is that!) and I didn't feel I could join other campfires. I stuck to home base and my camp work.
Lately when people approach me I immediately tense for trouble. Very much a learned stimulus-response situation - those who know what I do for a living and some recent history may see exactly how logical this is. And there has been a lot of trouble, so bracing for impact has made a lot of sense.
I am suspecting everyone of hidden agendas. My native suspicion is taking over, along the lines of "Who would want to talk to me unless they had a bone to pick" sort of thing.
Kind of puts a damper on one's social life.
I'm not mad, but I'm not feeling too great.
Now here's the segue to part 2 of my story.
Like everyone else in the SCA, I've been exposed to my share of politics, enough to make me shy away from canton-level activity with some legitimacy. I got a strong enough taste of it from people at higher levels to make me disgusted with the whole advancement process. I said to myself, Who in hell would want to be a peer if you have to work with people like that. I guess you could say that I lost faith, not in the pursuit of excellence, but in the SCA's fundamental good will.
It was moot to me anyway, as I had a new baby to look after, but as I started to emerge from the 2.5 year hiatus that pregnancy and childbirth impose on extra-curric, I took up my crafts again with a blighted spirit. I was very lonely and I felt my isolation followed me to events and wrapped me like a cloak.
Now I'm not saying that all this has gone poof with a magic wand, but I want to point out a couple of things that happened at Trilliums.
I went over to Kersteken to deliver 2 scroll blanks, and for the first time was able to find out who Rachel is. Everyone at this point is laughing their @sses off, but I don't tie names and faces well, if ever. I saw this little middle-aged lady in black with Kersteken. And later, at Court, I heard that she had done this and that gorgeous scroll.
At Court, I saw people get awards. The awards were for A&S, and Martial, and Service, and all that. It was fun and exciting and everyone was happy.
But later on I was thinking about what, to my mind, united all of the recipients. Remember, everyone, that I was entrenched in suspicion mode. Earlier in the day a couple of friends had given my family a bunch of valuable useful stuff and all I could think was Why? What did we ever do to deserve it? and How will we make it up to them? I felt even more indebted, if this makes sense.
But I thought about the recipients and I guess I would describe the uniting quality as a universal generosity of spirit.
And this generosity isn't the kind of forced obligation ("I will do X and Y at ABC event because it is on my to-do list") but the thoughtful kind that looks at people in their orbits, proactively identifies needs, real or potential, and tries to match them up with resources to hand.
(insert gospel choir here)
Whether or not I personally knew or even liked the people who were recognized, I could point to many generous, kind or thoughtful things I knew each person had done, not as part of a checklist drawn up in expectation of an audit but rather a balance of mindful action and heartfelt impulse, again focussing on individual needs.
Oh hell, I had some better words this morning but this will have to do.
I really welcome comments on this one.
There has been a lot of ugliness in my life the last 18 months. Stuff at the workplace (you name it, it happened), my father's long illness and death (breathing apparatus now make me sick instead of vaguely curious), negative social politics and a larger than usual dose of bad world news.
When faced with bad, one fights to maintain, overcome or ignore. Just keeping going is the important thing until it passes.
I thought that my strong family life would neutralize the toxic effects of the ugliness (after all, none of it was self-inflicted so no side helping of blame/guilt) but this protection has not been absolute.
This lengthy bad spell has done something to me. It's not irremedial, and recognizing it now will go a ways to correcting it, but it needs to be said.
I've always been somewhat shy and quiet (but never mentally!) but now this is starting to border on neurosis - fear of joining gatherings/not feeling welcome. For example, I could NOT go to the CD release party at Trilliums as I felt I had to be personally invited (how stupid is that!) and I didn't feel I could join other campfires. I stuck to home base and my camp work.
Lately when people approach me I immediately tense for trouble. Very much a learned stimulus-response situation - those who know what I do for a living and some recent history may see exactly how logical this is. And there has been a lot of trouble, so bracing for impact has made a lot of sense.
I am suspecting everyone of hidden agendas. My native suspicion is taking over, along the lines of "Who would want to talk to me unless they had a bone to pick" sort of thing.
Kind of puts a damper on one's social life.
I'm not mad, but I'm not feeling too great.
Now here's the segue to part 2 of my story.
Like everyone else in the SCA, I've been exposed to my share of politics, enough to make me shy away from canton-level activity with some legitimacy. I got a strong enough taste of it from people at higher levels to make me disgusted with the whole advancement process. I said to myself, Who in hell would want to be a peer if you have to work with people like that. I guess you could say that I lost faith, not in the pursuit of excellence, but in the SCA's fundamental good will.
It was moot to me anyway, as I had a new baby to look after, but as I started to emerge from the 2.5 year hiatus that pregnancy and childbirth impose on extra-curric, I took up my crafts again with a blighted spirit. I was very lonely and I felt my isolation followed me to events and wrapped me like a cloak.
Now I'm not saying that all this has gone poof with a magic wand, but I want to point out a couple of things that happened at Trilliums.
I went over to Kersteken to deliver 2 scroll blanks, and for the first time was able to find out who Rachel is. Everyone at this point is laughing their @sses off, but I don't tie names and faces well, if ever. I saw this little middle-aged lady in black with Kersteken. And later, at Court, I heard that she had done this and that gorgeous scroll.
At Court, I saw people get awards. The awards were for A&S, and Martial, and Service, and all that. It was fun and exciting and everyone was happy.
But later on I was thinking about what, to my mind, united all of the recipients. Remember, everyone, that I was entrenched in suspicion mode. Earlier in the day a couple of friends had given my family a bunch of valuable useful stuff and all I could think was Why? What did we ever do to deserve it? and How will we make it up to them? I felt even more indebted, if this makes sense.
But I thought about the recipients and I guess I would describe the uniting quality as a universal generosity of spirit.
And this generosity isn't the kind of forced obligation ("I will do X and Y at ABC event because it is on my to-do list") but the thoughtful kind that looks at people in their orbits, proactively identifies needs, real or potential, and tries to match them up with resources to hand.
(insert gospel choir here)
Whether or not I personally knew or even liked the people who were recognized, I could point to many generous, kind or thoughtful things I knew each person had done, not as part of a checklist drawn up in expectation of an audit but rather a balance of mindful action and heartfelt impulse, again focussing on individual needs.
Oh hell, I had some better words this morning but this will have to do.
I really welcome comments on this one.