(no subject)
I should be doing my physics right now, or at the very least eating dinner in order to make time for physics, however I got sidetracked and began reading the fall before last journal entries instead. After reading those I'm beginning to feel like I'm significantly more boring than I use to be. I rarely write in this any more, and when I do my entries are pretty boring as I'm only writing in it to have some writing to look back on. I don't know why I'll ever read them. The entries before were so much more thoughtful or sentimental. Sure a lot of the time that was because I was mildly depressed and heartbroken, but at least that made things interesting. And not all of them were depressing, quite a lot talked about how amazing my friends were and the fun times we had, or my passion for running, or just random thoughts that popped into my head. I don't run anymore. I ran today for the first time in months and it felt like hell, or I guess since I didn't really try much at all, it felt more like nothing. I don't know how I'll get back into it nor do I have a reason to, other than my body which doesn't seem to push me enough. I need emotions. I need hurt or love or fun or something to push me. I don't see why I can't just be enough. I guess I'll work on it. And about my friends, don't get me wrong, I think my friends here are amazing as well. I just feel like there's something lacking. When we're doing something it's just as fun, if not more, as the numerous fun times I've wrote about in the past with my old friends. However when we're not doing something, it's just that... we're not doing anything at all. Very rarely do we just sit around enjoying each other's company doing nothing. It's not like how it use to be... oh there's nothing to do but let's do nothing together... it's more like oh there's nothing to do so I'll do nothing alone (and by nothing I mean homework... school sucks). I just don't fully get this, because I know that I enjoy just being around them talking to them because I've done so in the 50-something hours we've spent in cars together. I don't know, I just feel like I need something more. Also I don't really get what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. Do I really want to be an engineer? I couldn't tell somebody why I do, therefore I don't have a clue if I do. I'm not doing very well in my engineering classes, nor do I really enjoy the subject matter. But what else is there? Ugh when will I ever find what "trips my trigger"?
I guess what it comes down to is I feel less spontaneous and spunky than I use to be. I use to have more fire, I guess I just haven't found it yet here. I use to flirt and tease. I haven't had feelings for anyone since November. It's boring. And, like I've said before, I've become much more happily independent. I'm not so sure this is entirely a good thing. It's nice no longer needing people around to entertain myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want people around just as badly as I did before. I'm lonely.
Anyway back to the monotany that has become my life. Back to physics.
I guess what it comes down to is I feel less spontaneous and spunky than I use to be. I use to have more fire, I guess I just haven't found it yet here. I use to flirt and tease. I haven't had feelings for anyone since November. It's boring. And, like I've said before, I've become much more happily independent. I'm not so sure this is entirely a good thing. It's nice no longer needing people around to entertain myself, but that doesn't mean I don't want people around just as badly as I did before. I'm lonely.
Anyway back to the monotany that has become my life. Back to physics.