(no subject)
Today was the last day of seniors. Nothing exciting happened. It was not nearly as noticeable for me, as was last year when 4 of my best friends left 7 days before me. Last year the most I remember is that Thursday, tomorrow, was the longest day I have ever had at school. I was scared, and I wasn't even going to have the chance at something new. I'm glad I won't have to go through that again. I'm glad I made it out okay, with 4 new best friends and many more on top of that.
...Anyway all that I could really think is that from a year from today that's going to be me. And more than excited, anxious, or remotely ready, I'm scared. I still don't have a clue what I want to do or where I want to go. I don't know what I'm great at or where my passion is. I'm not amazing at clarinet, violin or singing. I can't draw and can hardly sew. My writing skills have widdled down to merely nothing. I suck at running. I can play tennis, but I'm not nearly as good as I could ever dream of being. I do know that I'm good at trying, but I am terrible at sticking to most things. I am smart and I do try hard, but I never standout. And, probably my biggest fault, I certainly bitch way too fucking much (hey what am I doing right now?). I guess I've just got to realize that it's not nearly too late, and that I can always keep trying.
I need to find myself, but I don't necesarily have to do it this upcoming year, because at the end it still won't be too late. I just have to keep trying. I've tried new things this year...some somewhat successfully and some with failure. But not enough. I made an attempt to be friendlier and less shy at the beginning of the year, but slipped back towards the middle. I grew so much closer with people I should have years ago and bittersweet distance grew among others.
This year has been good. It wasn't the junior hell year I had anticipated in the entries of late August. There was nothing to make it suck...no huge fights like last year, hardly any drama, no stress-filled schoolnights, no heartbreak or rejection, and no leaving. But there was also no sneaking out, no 4-o'clock curfews, no drunken sleepovers, no racing, no porn, no badassity. It was fun and at first it was new, but it was so damn mild. So repetitive. Which is why I'm getting out there this summer. I'm trying new things. Finding that spice that's been missing all year long. Whether that spice ends up being more running, more tennis, more lovin', more friends, more money, a job, travelling, partying, or perhaps all of the above... we'll just have to see. I don't need it, but maybe I want it. Really I don't know what I want...but I won't know if I don't try. This is my last chance to try new things while still having the safety net of no real failure. Few will notice and it won't ruin the rest of my life. I'll make mistakes, and then I'll learn from those mistakes. I need something new. Shun me all you fucking want, I'll still love you.