Why can't I just forget?
Why can't you just move to another country? Out of all the addictions I have, You were the worst. Some people will think its crazy, say you can't be addicted to a person. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am crazy. But, I've always known that. The craving to have you could be worse than any drug. The way you made me feel. The way you touched me. No one has ever made me feel more than you did, and to be honest I am not sure I want someone to. But God, how I still crave that. Still dream about it. You never told me you cared about me. Hell, you never really told me anything. Then again, I never told you anything either. I was 15. You were 21. 12 years ago we met. I was alive with you. With you I wasn't numb. I didn't need to drugs to make the sadness and horror disappear. God, being with you was the ultimate high and ultimate low. I don't know what makes you the worst? I still crave all the drugs, quite often actually. Certain scents, make yearn for them, make want to go find some. Driving by certain neighborhoods make it really hard to keep driving sometimes. But, that's not the same. You, You show up at gas stations, or would walk into where I was working, or the store, or someone's house. Or a picture I KNOW I have put into the trash several times keeps showing up. Becky asked why I don't just rip it up, I couldn't answer her. Someone can walk by who smells like you, and the memories, Oh how they hurt. God, sometimes I wish that you would have just hit me I knew how to deal with that. Instead we played all your of games, Hell, I was even pretty good at them by the end. Shit, I even got good at playing them on you. I knew how to make you come running, I knew how to make you run away, did you ever even notice how mushed our roles had become in our own little torture? Maybe If, god there are so many of those swimming around my brain right now, if we talked, if we were honest, if quiet trying to beat each other, and thousands upon thousands more, Would it have all ended different? Would I still completely freeze up and turn the other way when I see you walking out of a store? Would I have been able to just walk past or even say Hi? I guess, now, it dosen't matter, how good I got at playing your game, or that I had the courage to walk away, because I am the one sitting here alone, I am the one still hurting, I am the one who dosen't remember most of what she dreams, but wakes up crying from the dreams featuring you. I catch my self comparing every guy I meet to you, both the good parts and the bad. When I happen to catch a glimpse of you somewhere, I can't help but to remember, how you would hold me at night when I woke up screaming from a nightmare, or how you talked to Sierra when you didn't think I could hear you. I remember you playing soccer with her when she was 3 it was starting to rain, and you were both in socks. I remember how angry you when you find out what some of nightmares were about and why I was going having to court to testify against my mothers husband, I think it was a good thing that we were 6 hrs. away and Rob took your keys. I remember when we first met I introduced myself as Athena Samantha, Melissa said everyone calls her Sammy. You said I think I'll call you Athena. I didn't think you were particularly special, definitely not as gorgeous as Melissa said you were. You did have the truck that that I wanted at the time, same color to. Oh don't get me wrong you were cute, 6'1 blond hair, not an ounce of fat on you. But your eyes, god how I live your eyes, I used to think that I would love to get a painting of just your the colors eyes. (still do come to thin of it) About an hour after we first met, we were in your truck and Melissa rudely asked you for a cigarette you said no, I leaned forward and very politely asked for one, you looked at me and grinned 12 years later I can still that grin, and you said that since you asked so nicely, you lit it before handing it to me. Oh she was pissed, she got even more pissed when I asked how her boyfriend was doing, and your grin started turning into a smirk. That was when we started playing games and we continued playing those games until a year and a half ago when right after I moved. I remember so many good things, that it's hard to remember all the bad that far out ways the good. Why did we have to play all those games? Why do I have to remember? Why do you have to be my worst addiction, my worst craving? Why can't I just forget?