Special Moments in a Retarded Car
Um, my vehicle is possessed.
Or actually no, my car is just a victim of the possession, my windshield wipers are what's possessed.
Bare in mind, throughout this story, that I have owned this automobile for approximately 2 years. This demon-like activity should have been brought to my attention long ago.
So it's 11:45 a.m. I am experiencing a bit of an emergency, and need to dash home in the middle of the work day. (Use your imagination, figure out why I'd need to LEAVE the workplace, insert reason here, continue about the story).
It's pouring rain outside, so I whip out the little wiper lever thing, flip the speed to whatever "really really fast" represents, and I get the hell out of dodge. Except, I'm on a serious time constraint, so I'm focused... REALLY REALLY FOCUSED... on driving fast. Extremely, unnaturally fast.
As a result, during any and all completely unnecessary stops, I find myself staring very intently out the windshield, hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel... I imagine this is what Dale Earnhardt would do in my given situation, so I just randomly felt the need. Ok? I'm driving, I'm a racer, I'm on the track, I can see the checkered flag; I'm ready to fucking go... thus I stare intently out the windshield. That's how it goes, that's the way it works, bitches.
During one of these very animated stops I notice that my very very fast windshield wipers have taken a shit. They just.. stopped. I figured, okay maybe they ran out of batteries or electricity, vampire blood, or whatever they use. Mental note: take this crappy '06 to the car-doctor.
But when I start driving again, they begin... wiping, or whatever. I say to them, out loud... "What are you doing?" No answer.
Picture this. This is me, driving down a residential road.
I go, wipers start. I stop, wipers stop. Gas it, go. Brake, stop. Gas, brake, gas, brake, gas.... OCD kicks in and DEMANDS to know why this happens. Brake, gas.. brake, ga-BRA-GAS!! I'm trying to trick the system and everything.
Apparently my wipers are like... some sort of intelligent, and they have the system all figured out? Why was I not made aware of this upon purchasing the vehicle? If I wanted smart wipers I'd have requested them. I want dumb, untechnologyfied wipers. This is what I want. I don't want anything wiping on its own, I don't want to hover, I don't want to break on through to another galaxy.. I want none of the features on my vehicle. Please and thank you.
Which poses the question... where the hell does Honda get off assuming that I'd even want my wipers to slow down just because I'm stopped? Wouldn't I need to see even MORE when I'm stopped? What if I'm stopped because I'm waiting to turn onto a heavily populated road? Why would Honda assume that I would therefore NOT NEED TO SEE that road?
Honda's a douche. I want a Yaris.
Or actually no, my car is just a victim of the possession, my windshield wipers are what's possessed.
Bare in mind, throughout this story, that I have owned this automobile for approximately 2 years. This demon-like activity should have been brought to my attention long ago.
So it's 11:45 a.m. I am experiencing a bit of an emergency, and need to dash home in the middle of the work day. (Use your imagination, figure out why I'd need to LEAVE the workplace, insert reason here, continue about the story).
It's pouring rain outside, so I whip out the little wiper lever thing, flip the speed to whatever "really really fast" represents, and I get the hell out of dodge. Except, I'm on a serious time constraint, so I'm focused... REALLY REALLY FOCUSED... on driving fast. Extremely, unnaturally fast.
As a result, during any and all completely unnecessary stops, I find myself staring very intently out the windshield, hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel... I imagine this is what Dale Earnhardt would do in my given situation, so I just randomly felt the need. Ok? I'm driving, I'm a racer, I'm on the track, I can see the checkered flag; I'm ready to fucking go... thus I stare intently out the windshield. That's how it goes, that's the way it works, bitches.
During one of these very animated stops I notice that my very very fast windshield wipers have taken a shit. They just.. stopped. I figured, okay maybe they ran out of batteries or electricity, vampire blood, or whatever they use. Mental note: take this crappy '06 to the car-doctor.
But when I start driving again, they begin... wiping, or whatever. I say to them, out loud... "What are you doing?" No answer.
Picture this. This is me, driving down a residential road.
I go, wipers start. I stop, wipers stop. Gas it, go. Brake, stop. Gas, brake, gas, brake, gas.... OCD kicks in and DEMANDS to know why this happens. Brake, gas.. brake, ga-BRA-GAS!! I'm trying to trick the system and everything.
Apparently my wipers are like... some sort of intelligent, and they have the system all figured out? Why was I not made aware of this upon purchasing the vehicle? If I wanted smart wipers I'd have requested them. I want dumb, untechnologyfied wipers. This is what I want. I don't want anything wiping on its own, I don't want to hover, I don't want to break on through to another galaxy.. I want none of the features on my vehicle. Please and thank you.
Which poses the question... where the hell does Honda get off assuming that I'd even want my wipers to slow down just because I'm stopped? Wouldn't I need to see even MORE when I'm stopped? What if I'm stopped because I'm waiting to turn onto a heavily populated road? Why would Honda assume that I would therefore NOT NEED TO SEE that road?
Honda's a douche. I want a Yaris.