Heartsick
Looking back on the last entry - little did I know my life would change in a short time after that post.
Paul's heart would start to fail, finally giving out last month by sudden heart failure in my arms.
Rhianna is all the family that I have left now after the passing of all my parents and grandparents and not having any siblings.
So many hospital stays over the 3 years means that him leaving us feels like he's just in hospital once again, so it's been hard to feel and accept that he's gone.
My loneliness overwhelms me at times. He was the one I told about everything that I did every day - much to his annoyance at times. Work was not allowed to be discussed.
Rhianna is around but she has a circle of friends that demand her time. She's young and deserves to have a world outside the care of older people finally.
Now in my day, I have time for my hobbies as I am no longer a carer and have no one to talk to while I do them. When I do something enjoyable, I am feeling guilt for forgetting the world for that time.
It's like a ball of pain that you prod with a stick as you remember what's happened and the hurt breaks open and comes out.
So you try to close the gap and put the memories and hurt back away by distracting myself with things you like doing.
People have been messaging me to check if I'm okay. I say that I am and I mean it in that I'm not suicidal.
I just need time to adjust to just being a "me" again rather than "us"