First Sporking - Comming Back (Chapter One)
Did you know that Hermione was secretly a pureblood, who liked dressing up in Goth clothes and was actually a Slytherin? No? Well, neither did I (or J.K for that matter) but that's not going to stop this Suethor's Bitchiwitch/Quanonraip abomination, so let's get cracking!
Arynia: Hello and welcome to my first sporking! It’s a particularly irritating little piece, featuring plenty of character bashing, loathsome OCs and a Hermione that Pstibbons would weep with pride over. Well, let’s move in!
Hi, it's Darkangelicdemon: )
Okay be kind peoples this is my second story and I'm nervous
Arynia: You should be. If canon could cry out from your mutilation, the Pit itself would shatter into a million badfic pieces.
Summary: Hermione's betrayed by the other members of the golden trio, what happens when after almost a year Hermione comes back to Hogwarts?
Arynia: Well, first she’ll be trying to work out when people started calling she and her friends “the golden trio”, and secondly, she’ll be wailing over missing almost a year of study. Speaking of which, as heart-breaking as I’m sure it must be to discover your boyfriend cheating on you with your friend, Hermione has faced a Basilisk, a suspected murderer on the loose, Cedric Diggory’s murder and Voldemort’s return, Umbridge - and this is what makes her leave Hogwarts? Talk about chickification ensuing!
Disclaimer: I have no rights over Harry Potter, though I wish I did. I do own my own characters. ; P
Arynia: Believe me, no one would ever mistake them for J.K’s creations.
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Mya Robbins is a pureblood and she hates the reason why she was there.
Arynia: Why she was where?
Not that she hated being a Robbins but because of how she became a Robbins. The incident and the change whatever the hell that means, she was once Hermione Granger. Now to the incident and what happened to poor Hermione.
Arynia: She got Sueified, a fate worse than death. What, you thought that eternally existing in a mangled state in limbo was what Dumbledore was warning Voldemort about?
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Flashback
Arynia: Because the readers do not have the basic intelligence to see it’s a flashback without the author holding their hand.
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She saw the most disgusting thing in the life. Ginny, her best girlfriend, and Harry, her boyfriend, practically dry humping each other in the library before getting flayed alive by Madam Pince for desecrating her books; Hermione let out a strangled cry. Tears filled her eyes she won't cry for these so called 'friends'.
Arynia: Well, this is a rather sudden intro into Hermione - oh, I’m sorry, Mya’s - backstory. She and Harry were never dating in canon - it hasn’t even been established which year they’re in. You have to build a bit first, Suethor - I’m not asking for pages of their relationship, but you’d have to set up a bit more than introducing and ending the relationship in the same paragraph if you really want the audience to feel Hermione’s pain over the betrayal.
Ginny startled by the sound looked up over Harry's shoulder, seeing Hermione shocked Gin and she shoved Harry off her. Harry turned around and saw our dear 'Mione
Arynia: Words cannot express how much I hate it when that nickname crops up in fanfiction. Her name is Hermione - J.K used it for seven books, why can’t you?
with a look of disgust and betrayal on her face and hate swimming in her chocolate eyes.
Arynia: (Hate): *Splashes around happily*
"Shit." he whispered as he realised that he was caught in a Sue-fic. " Herm-"
Hermione looked at Ginny "YOU BITCH I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND!" She turned and looked pointedly at Harry, "YOU HARRY FUCKING POTTER THE DAMN BOY-WHO-LIVED YOU DATE ME FOR 4 MONTHS, THEN GO BEHIND MY BACK AND CHEAT ON ME WITH MY FRIEND!" Hermione stopped for a second and took a deep breath.
Arynia: While it’s no doubt quite distressing for Hermione to discover that Harry has been fucking Potter, I must point out that Hermione is a very prim and proper teenager - “Merlin’s pants” is about as filthy as her language got in canon. Plus, what does him being “the damned Boy Who Lived” have to do with him cheating on her? Hermione of all people should know that Harry does his best to separate himself from the whole Boy Who Lived schtick, so it’s not as if he’s built himself up to be some kind of saint. And “4 months”? Suethor, how much longer would it have taken you to type out “four” instead of resorting to text speak?
She turned around and broke the pregnant silence.
Arynia: She’s only stopped talking for a second - can it really be called a silence?
" You know what how about you leave me alone and fuck all you want." The two others in the room were surprised by her words, Hermione never cursed. I guess no one ever provoked her enough till now.
Arynia: Glad as I am that you acknowledged this part of Hermione’s character, Suethor (everyone else; be glad of it. Things are going to take a sharp downturn soon enough) I would say that Hermione has been provoked a leetle bit more than this in canon without resulting to swearwords. As pointed out above, Hermione has faced a lot in her school years, and she never resorted to swearing before. Don’t insult Hermione’s character by implying that she regards Harry cheating on her as worse than Umbridge , facing Death Eaters or Buckbeak’s execution; events that she wasn’t spewing out curse words at - for that matter, don't suddenly break the fourth wall either to tell me that. Although, speaking of curses, though I’m a fan of Hermione, I must point out that she has a massive jealously streak in her - the canaries, anyone? “Leave me alone and fuck all you want” while coldly dismissive, is not how she has canonically reacted to events like this.
Hermione stared to leave.
"Hermione, wait-" Harry walked towards her.
"Don't touched me." She whispered in a dangerously low voice.
Arynia: Whoever Don’t is, I doubt they’d risk touching someone carrying such a potent strain of Bitchiwitch Sueitis.
Harry being the arrogant pick he is either didn't hear her or just ignored it, Dumb ass.
Arynia: That’s a bit unfair, given that picks have no ears.
Surely enough he grabbed her arm and was shot back by an invisible force. Hermione had neither drawn her wand nor turned, Potter was thrown into a shelf scattering leather bound books every where. And catching the attention of Madame Pince, who threw them all out of the library. Seriously, she swoops on people at the most slightly raised voice, but fucking in the library and tossing people into bookshelves doesn’t draw her in? The impact knocked our poor hero out. Ginny checks Harry's pulse and finds it faint but there, when Ginny looked up again Hermione was gone.
Arynia: Our Heroine, ladies and gentlemen - a girl who knocks out someone, apparently so badly that it has to be checked if they still have a pulse. And I’m sure that bit of wandless magic was supposed to be impressive, despite the fact that it’s akin Harry blowing up Aunt Marge - an act that shows a loss of control and the young age of the witch or wizard in question.
Hermione's P.O.V
'I can't believe them doing this to me. All I ever been is supportive. I've helped them with their homework, classes, given them advice and this is my thank you. Well you fucking bitches, I don't care anymore.' The tears started flowing yet she didn't out a sound.
Arynia: Kind as it was of Hermione to not force sound out of the closet before they were ready, and as much as I’m repeating myself - “fucking bitches”? Hermione Granger this is not - and to think, this is before she leaves the chrysalis of pseudo-canon to become a beautiful Bitchiwitch.
In the Griffindor *sigh* GRYFFINDOR Common Room
Ron was playing a game of wizard chess by himself and heard the common room door open and someone stubble in there was a sob. That sentence was…painful to read. Ron turned around to see Hermione sobbing uncontrollably. Ron was at her side and trying to get the story out of her.
Arynia: When did he get there? The lack of a transition implies that Ron managed to teleport over to the portrait door, but Weasleys never get the super powers in these fics.
"'Mione what's wrong?" He asked.
"Ron, Harry…Ginny…Library…liars" Hermione managed to get out before she slapped him, outraged. “And I told you not to call me that!”
"… Oh so you know." He said quietly.
" You knew." She croaked out.
"I'm sorry Hermione they made me swear that I’d kill you if you became a Sue." Ron said, whipping out a spork and impaling her with very sincere hate.
color:black">" How long, Ron?"
color:black">" About a month." He couldn't look her in the eye.
Arynia: Neither Ron nor Harry are the best of liars, whereas Hermione was the only one in their class perceptive enough to discover Remus’ secret. Are you honestly telling me that they managed to keep it from her that long? Not to mention that it seems quite out of character for Harry to not only cheat, but also fail to fess up. He is incredibly close with Hermione and Ron - I could sooner see him dumping Ginny, at least before they started to seriously date and he married her, then losing them instead.
With that Hermione got up and ran out of the room, this was just too much did she mean so little that they had to lie to her like that. Hermione ran all the way to the edge of the forbidden forest. She dropped to the ground and cried. It was just too much for her small body to handle all the stress she passed out.
Arynia: *Sporfle* Seriously? Hermione cried so much that her “small body” fainted from the strain? There’s only room for one Bella in Harry Potter, and Bellatrix sure as hell isn’t giving up her place to Miss Swan - so chuck the damsel collapsing over getting dumped, and bring back Hermione.
It turns out that in the Robbins that sensed the energy spike with their family magic signature to it.
Arynia: Bad as the sentence was, it’s worth making sense of if only to point out the mistakes. There is no such thing as “energy spiking” or “family magic signature” in canon. The only “signature” you could argue for is the spell to trace the last magic a wand has cast. And besides, that implies that Hermione was using magic which these Robbins traced, but she wasn’t using magic - she sobbed and passed out. Unless the family magic involves a stellar Bella Swan impression, I don’t see how they could trace that, even with their uncanonical powers.
And now the true canon raping begins.
They found Hermione in the forest and brought her to the hospital wing at the school. The glamour that had been placed on Hermione as a child flickered and finally canceled to reveal a young woman about 5'11 with long black hair streaked silver and bangs trimmed silver. When she woke up her eye color was revealed to be peridot green.
Arynia: Hold it!
First of all, apparently these Robbins traced Hermione and travelled to Hogwarts, before she managed to wake up from her little fit. Well, wizards can Apparate, so I might accept that they can get there quickly - but just how did they get inside Hogwarts? You can’t just barge in, even overlooking the fact that Hermione suddenly moved from “the edge of the forbidden forest” (which, by the way, is capitalised) to being in the Forest itself, which, by the way, would a profoundly stupid place to be. It’s filled with dangerous creatures, and Hermione knows this - it’s certainly no place to have a crying fit, where the noise could attract any amount of attention.
And now, onto her appearance. Firstly, there are no such things as “glamours” in the Harry Potter world - if changing your appearance was that quick and easy, then Polyjuice Potion wouldn’t be so useful, nor would Tonk’s talent be so highly regarded by the Order. Not to mention the fact that it was apparently placed upon her during childhood, but never wavered, despite her being Petrified and undergoing all other kinds of stress (which does beggar the question of why it cancelled out now, though I suppose that the Robbins may have done it). I think that Barty Crouch would have used such a thing if it was available while he was posing as Moody, instead of constantly swigging from his hip-flask. So that’s certainly a fail.
As for how she looks - streaked hair? Vivid eyes? A beauty upgrade that completely wipes out Hermione’s canonical looks to replace them with how the Suethor wishes she could appear? Yeah, the Mary Sue alarms are blaring - and that’s even before we reach the backstory. Speaking of which:
After waking up and finding out the truth, Hermione Granger born Mya Robbins found she had a large family including a twin Dillon. Well at 16 years before that day Voldemort was looking for a new born baby girl with extraordinary powers, that girl happened to be Mya. Mya Robbins had to be given up, Fifteen years later and after a lot of searching the Robbins found their daughter. Soon after the story was told the new Mya Robbins left Hogwarts with her parents to their home in New York.
Arynia: *Closes eyes and breathes deeply*
Okay. So, Hermione apparently has a large family of super-cool purebloods who had to give her up because Voldemort was hunting her. Well, aside from being a rip-off of Harry’s backstory, why was he hunting her? “Extraordinary powers” doesn’t cut it - she was a goddamn baby, she was hardly a threat. Voldemort was hunting Harry because the prophecy stated that Harry had the power to defeat him - it was specifically about a baby that could bring down Voldemort. So it’s understandable that he was hunting down Harry - but Hermione? How did he even find out about her, why were her powers such a threat, and why weren’t her family (whom, as we shall see in later chapters, are nothing more than a massive nest of Sues) targeted as well? She’s just one of many, why didn’t he try to kill them all?
Of course, the mention of her family brings me on to my next point. This family is (presumably) American. They live in New York. So why the hell did they choose to hide their baby in England, where, you know, fucking Voldemort was? Why didn’t they go in hiding with her, as Lily and James did, instead of just handing her over to a family that was living in the country where Voldemort was at the height of his power? Apparently Hermione had to be tracked down over a fifteen year period, so apparently they had no clue where she was and even with their vaunted Sue powers couldn’t find her. But even if they deliberately didn’t find out where she was, so it couldn’t be tortured out of them if they were captured, someone was involved in taking her to the Grangers, so why didn’t they tell the Robbins where she was once Voldemort had been defeated? She would have been far safer if they just stayed in New York and went under a Fidelius Charm!
But now that they’ve handed her over, Hermione has been living with the Grangers for fifteen years. She has been raised to think of herself as a Muggleborn, think of the Grangers as her mum and dad, with a completely different appearance and name - and now that a bunch of purebloods have turned up, claiming she’s their daughter, she’s just going to toss her old family away and skip off to a completely different country to live with them? Oh yeah, real loving daughter you are, Hermione. No anguish over who you really are, no uncertainty about the loss of your identity, no suspicion (at least, none mentioned) of purebloods claiming to be your long-lost family, despite the fact that you are currently friends with someone whom a lot of purebloods have very good reason to hurt or get information on. Not even a mention of the fact that you are transferring away from Hogwarts, the school that you love, with teachers you admire, for a completely different way of life with a family that you have never met before.
End Flashback
Now almost a year later Mya was coming back it a few changes, a new attitude and some new friends.
Arynia: Translation: A Mary Sue with no resemblance to Hermione was coming to invade Hogwarts with a snotty attitude and a bunch of Sue groupies.
End Chapter
Arynia: Couldn’t have come sooner. And now for the Author’s Notes:
Hey dudes Darkangelicdemon here with my current bitch Tom Felton. So my sexy what did you think?
Arynia: Okay, maybe it’s just residual twitching from el pepe’s comments about Emma Watson, but reading that makes me intensely uncomfortable. Tom Felton is a real person, and he is not your bitch. Don’t drag him into this.
Tom: It was okay, when is Draco come in?
Me: Soon now lets check out.
Arynia: And won't that be a bundle of laughs?
Tom and me: Stay tune for next time.
Arynia: *Grimly* Oh, I will be.
Next Chapter: Mya Robbins and five new students come to Hogwarts.
Arynia: And with that threat out of the way, that’s all folks! Well, at least until the next chapter…
Chapter Two - Back Again