Comming Back
Apologies for the delay, everyone. We're now here for another chapter of "Comming Back!" If you thought last chapter's Hermione was bad, then fear not - the Suethor's going to make her even better!
Hi, it's Darkangelicdemon
Hi peoples its my second Chappy and I'm delighted for those who reviewed. I love you all. No not really.
Arynia: (Suethor): You didn’t say how awesome I am Mya is compared with boring old canon Hermione enough!
Any ways thanks to :
HogwartzBoizRHotttiez, Blondoe0276, Zappy Monkey, Agnus Dei, livngdetta, hogwarts-lil-hoe
Arynia: (Suethor): For singing my praises and not pointing out what a raging Sue I’d unleashed!
Disclaimer: don't own Hogwarts character's just mine and Mya plus my plot.
Arynia: While your putrid OCs do belong to you (and believe me, no one else would want to claim them) do you honestly think that ‘Hermione/Harry/Ginny is BETRAYED and goes Dark’ or ‘Hermione goes Goth over the summer’ are unique to yourself?
MY CHARACTER'S:
Arynia: (Suethor): Are so flat and indistinguishable from one another that you’ll need this list just to know who to stick your spork into.
Mya Robbins- 5'll black hair with sliver streaks and trimmed silver also. Peridot green eyes.
Arynia: So, let me get this straight. Hermione, obviously in great distress, disappears with a group of purebloods that no one’s ever heard of before, who take her out of the country. As we shall see, she apparently made no contact with her old friends, and presumably not her Muggle family. Almost a year later, a girl appears with those same purebloods claiming to be Hermione - but she doesn’t look a thing like her, doesn’t behave like her, doesn't answer to her name, and (spoilers) the Sorting Hat judges her to be so unlike her old self that it puts her in a completely different house. This is taking place during their seventh year (don’t ask why Dumbledore is still alive) at a time when lots of people have been disappearing, and no one knows who might be under the Imperius Curse or secretly a traitor. And no one finds it peculiar that Harry Potter’s former best friend has come back like this?
Dillon Robbins (Mya's Twin) -6 ft black hair spiky tipped silver, and Emerald green eyes.
Damien Robbins (Mya's younger brother by a year) -dark Brown hair that was streaked auburn and blue green eyes.
Arynia: Only a blank sketch of their appearance, I notice (and unlike in canon, I still don’t really have a good picture of them in my head) with no mention of their personalities. Makes sense, I suppose, seeing as the author utterly failed to provide them with any.
The Robbins has been known for their naturally streaked hair and dragon eyes, you know the kind of eyes that change colors.
Arynia: This is Harry Potter canon, and in Harry Potter, there is not one mentioned dragon with eyes that change colour. The Antipodean Opaleye has “glittering multi-coloured eyes” according to the Harry Potter Wiki, but that's about it. So I don’t know why they are called ‘dragon eyes’ - but know what it does remind me of? The Targaryens in A Song of Ice and Fire. They’re linked with dragons, have silver hair, and are incredibly inbred and prone to mental instability. Seems to fit.
Rick Madison - Natural Blond hair and real metallic gray eyes, but his eyes appear to be gray to Muggles.
Arynia: So his eyes are made of metal? Well, I can see why you’d want to hide that, although I wonder how Mad-Eye Moody’s eye appears to Muggles if there's a way to disguise it. And why do you need to specify that his hair’s naturally blond? Unless it’s specified that it’s dyed or an unusual colour, I’m going to assume that it’s natural anyway.
Jasmine Lee - Long Auburn hair and sullen blue eyes.
Katie Smith- Short mousy brown hair with added blonde highlights, she has actual gray eyes.
Arynia: *Gasps* Not actual gray eyes!
In all seriousness, though - why are these extra OCs there? Hermione returning is one thing. Even her twin, for all that they've only properly known each other for one year, is understandable - perhaps, having being separated for all this time, they want to stay together for as long as possible, or perhaps her family don't wish to send a single member of theirs alone into a society that's pretty much in the midst of a civil war (or should be by this time). But none of the other OCs are mentioned to have special powers; they aren't part of Hermione's family and are clearly only friends. So why are these teenagers leaving their own country and families behind to attend a school in a different culture that happens to be embroiled in a war? They aren't mentioned as having any special powers or training, so why are they getting sent in?
Okay every one is special and we're gonna find out how much my people are.
Arynia: I’m going to assume that she means “We're gonna find out how special my people are” rather than what prices they’re whoring themselves out for, not that that makes the obvious authorial bias any better. If these characters truly are worthy of being called special when put next to the unique and varied canon characters, we need to be shown it, not told.
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Chappy Two - Back Again
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Mya Robbins boarded the big scarlet Hogwarts Express. She had hoped never to be here again but because Voldemort was still out there she had to come back to the place that made her and broke her former self, Miss Hermione Granger.
Arynia: Why, pray? Certainly, without Hermione’s help, Harry would have struggled a great deal more for his victories, but despite there being two candidates the prophecy mentioned only one Chosen One, and Hermione wasn’t born in July. Given that Voldemort is still around, and was stated last chapter to have been hunting you down when you were a baby, doesn’t it make more sense to get as far away as possible? It's true that Hermione would want to help - but Mya Robbins shows no such courageous or selfless traits. Why exactly do they need you? And why, considering your obnoxious personality, would they even want you?
Mya dressed in a mid thigh length black leather skirt a few chains, a green tank top with "I hate the Happy Pappy People", written in silver. She had four earrings in each ear, a small stud in the right side of her nose. Her arms decorated with a happy bunny wristband some jelly bracelets; to complete the look she wore a pair of boots that came just below the knee, and her platinum locket over her shirt. She walked confidentially onto the train with her brothers and friends at her side.
Arynia: Well, aside from throwing off the story with that laundry list, let’s see how that outfit messes up canon-wise. First of all, Hogwarts is a school. Even if the Suethor is following book rather than film canon (which I doubt, considering her preoccupation with Tom Felton’s looks) Hogwarts has a uniform, which is a plain black robe - and, judging from Snape’s flashback, students only wear their underwear underneath it. She’d be lucky to get into the school grounds wearing that, never mind wearing it inside the castle. Secondly, you are heading off to Scotland, which is not the place you want to be running around in skimpy clothing in September, never mind when winter comes. Your outfit is going to look significantly less impressive when you’ve got hypothermia from doing Care of Magical Creatures outside in the snow. And thirdly, this is Hermione. Her appearance and name are meant to have changed, but the Suethor would have us believe that this is still the character of Hermione Granger underneath. Well then, show it to us. Prove that enough traits of Hermione exist to justify calling her that, rather than just using an OC who dresses in a way that Hermione would be appalled at. Because right now, if you took away all mention of magic and Hogwarts, I would not recognise a single character in this fic so far as belonging to the Harry Potter universe.
Our crew walked through the train looking for a compartment. They were all overly crowded. Till they got to the last compartment that held Ronald and Ginny Weasely and Harold Potter. (a/n: don't know Ginny's full first name)
Arynia:That you could not spend the five seconds it would take to find out from the internet that Ginny's full name is Ginevra does not bode well for your fic, author. Nor does the fact that you apparently weren’t paying attention in OotP, when Harry’s full name was given as “Harry James Potter.” Not Harold, not Henry, not Harrington - Lord knows how the Suethors came up with that one - just plain Harry. If you can spend a paragraph waxing lyrical about your Sue’s inappropriate clothing, you can take the time to check if you’re getting the character’s names right. You’re certainly getting little else correct.
"Hey, you guy I want to mess with them, I'm gonna change into 'Hermione Granger' and play with their heads." Mya whispered to her friends.
Arynia: Okay, we have a problem here. The reason Hermione is returning to Hogwarts is because she wants to stop Voldemort. Exactly why she is so integral to bringing him down is unexplained, but we'll just assume that it's got something to do with the power he was hunting her down for when she was a baby. Though she whines about having to return to Hogwarts, defeating Voldemort is apparently enough motivation to leave her wonderful new home, and so should, by all rights, be very important to her. So why is she behaving like this against people who are not only on her side in the war against Voldemort, but also happen to include the guy who, y'know, is stated to be the one person to be able to take Voldemort down? Holding a grudge against the cheating is understandable, but it's possible to remain at an icy distance while still behaving professionally.
Mya pointed her wand at herself and whisper the glamour spell. She shrunk to 5'5, her hair turned a chestnut brown and went from waist length to mid-back, her peridot green eyes turned brown. Then she was ready for a meeting with those who betrayed her.
Arynia: Out of interest, are these glamours illusions, or do they physically change the body? I’m going to assume it’s the latter, because Hermione would have probably noticed that she was a good few inches taller than she appears before the Robbins showed up - getting measured for clothes, getting her hair cut and even walking would've clued her in. Well, in that case, shouldn’t it be rather painful to be changing your body like that? Polyjuice Potion wasn’t exactly fun to take, and the Suethor hasn’t made Hermione a Metamorphmagus - about the only Sue cliché that she doesn't employ.
The six of them walked into the compartment arousing the turn of heads of the occupants.
Arynia:…Aaaand moving swiftly on.
They looked at everyone then their eyes rested on the last girl who looked just like Hermione. No, she was Hermione!
Arynia: I see that the Suethor is following the long-held tradition of making the canon characters as thick as bricks when her Sue strolls in. I suppose it’s a coping mechanism for those who are trapped in Sueland.
Then a voice snapped them out of their daze.
Arynia: (Voice): SUES! Run for it!
"There are now more compartment that don't have many students can we stay here." The red head asked.
Arynia: A look at the list of characters tells me that it’s apparently Jasmine speaking, but that’s the only indication I’ve got. If you’re not going to use their names, Suethor, you need to give me some other way of telling who they are - preferably without that train wreck of a sentence. Did a comma kick your puppy?
She was dressed in a short red and black plaid skirt, an unbuttoned black oxford shirt under that she had on a gray tank top. She also had a few metal bracelets, a few rings, and a pair of lion shaped earrings, her shoes were red and gold platform sandals. (A/N wonder where she's going)
Arynia: To hell, one hopes. And let's see...Completely unsuitable clothing, hamfisted foreshadowing, knowledge that she definitely shouldn’t possess (how does the character know she’s going to end up in Gryffindor?) and entirely unnecessary interjection by the author - yeah, this is hitting every point on the Mary-Sue checklist.
"Um…s-sure." Harry stuttered still staring a Hermione. He had grown to be around 6ft his black hair in his eyes;metal-framed glasses still covered his green eyes. Lighting bolt scar went unnoticed.
Arynia: Sensible of Lightning. Once the Sues catch sight of you, they never let you go.
"Finally some place to sit I'm so exhausted." The brunette said as she plopped down in a seat. She on the other hand had on a shirt that had Rupert with his bear Stanley saying," I will rule the world!" a pair of long jeans, and a pair of black and blue converses. Her jewelry was simple a pair of hoop earrings and three rings.
Arynia: This, for those who can’t be bothered to scroll back up to the list (most of us, I imagine) is apparently Katie, she of the Actual Gray Eyes™. Good to see that the Suethor put so much into her characterisation that that's all she can be identified with.
"Mya you didn't tell us that this train was so wicked." One of the three boys said. He had brown hair and a 'Godsmack' T-shirt, a pair of black skater shorts with some chains, a pair of K-Swiss's, and a silver locket.
Arynia: And I still have no idea of what he looks like. The only image I’ve got is of a brown wig perched above a pile of clothing, which is probably not what the Suethor is going for (though it would make the story a lot better if she was).
The statement was directed to Hermione who sat down in a seat the boy who just asked the question in between her legs
Arynia: Hermione has got right on with the pureblood mantra of “keeping it in the family” I see.
she messed with his semi-long hair. She looked different like something was wrong with her.
Arynia: She’s been Sued, of course there’s something wrong. Draw your sporks and put her out of her misery.
The brunette girl sat next to the boy with black and silver hair. He wore and oxford shirt with long sleeves rolled up it was opened to show a green wife-beater. He wore black pants and black sneakers, he too wear a platinum locket
Arynia: I’ll admit that I had to Google what a ‘wife-beater’ is, and I highly doubt that the canon characters, who are British, would know what it is either. I don’t think that American writers should have to stick to using British spellings, like ‘color’ instead of ‘colour’, but I do think that if you’re writing from the viewpoint of a British character, which the scene has apparently switched to, you should be using terminology that they would be familiar with.
The red head sat next to the blond boy. He looked like one of those surfer dudes from California. He himself wore a pair of skater boy jeans, with the chains I mean, and a gray blue muscle shirt, a chain of balls around his neck and two earrings in his left ear. (A/N: I think of my hot characters and I want to drool. starts to daydream about some of the hotties she knew and wrote up drool.)
Arynia:…Suethor, it was uncomfortable enough reading Twilight, knowing that I was essentially viewing Meyer’s fantasies about her dream life. But now you’re telling me that these characters are all apparently based on real people that you know and fancy? That…is really making my skin crawl.
"Hello, Potter, the Weaseley's. The Weasleys, utilising their natural sporking instincts, had already left to sound the alarm and arm the students. Meet my friends and family Dillon Robbins my twin, Damien Robbins my little brother, Jasmine Lee, Katie Smith, and Rick Madison. My name is Mya Robbins. You killed my canon. Prepare to die." With that Mya took off the Glamour Charm to reveal her true self -a revolting Sue lurking under the façade of a canon character. She continued to comb through her brother's hair. "I do resent you for betraying me, but if not for you I wouldn't have my real friends and family so I thank you for that."
Arynia: Your real family? You ungrateful little cow - the Grangers raised you as their own for sixteen years. It's not stated if they knew who you really were - if they did, they willingly took in a child being hunted down by an incredibly powerful wizard, against whom they had no magical defences, and protected her as best as they could by passing her off as their child - clearly doing so well at it that Hermione had no idea they weren't her real parents. If they didn't know, that's even worse - the Grangers either adopted Hermione, or had their minds meddled with so that they thought she was their biological daughter, and were unknowingly used as a smokescreen by a magical family that were too cowardly and too stupid to take the steps to protect their own child as Lily and James did. Because, if Voldemor did track down Hermione? Not only would he have killed her, but the Grangers would have gone the way of the Potters, while the Robbins remained safe in America. So the Grangers, whether knowingly or not, risked their lives to take in Hermione, raised her as their own daughter and were stated to be quite proud of her, if a bit bemused by the magical world. In all likelihood, they probably still have no idea where their daughter is or if she's even alive, given that Hermione makes no mention of having any further contact with them, and was whisked away to America as soon as she woke up in the hospital wing. In practically every way they are Hermione's 'real' family, and that should go doubly for a fic set in a canon where "who you are does not depend on your blood family" is one of the central themes!
"But Hermione" Harry stated but was cut off.
"My name is Mya Robbins. Not Hermione Granger." Mya calmly told them." But it's Robbins to you three."
"Okay Herm-I mean Robbins. We looked for you after you were apparently abducted and vanished without a trace, devastating your adoptive parents" Ginny tried to say.
" No I don't want to hear it. You broke my heart and for that I can never think of you the same. I felt like I was gonna die so many times but the sporkers’ poison just wasn’t strong enough. But worst I felt sorry for myself.
Arynia: Naturally. Sues always do.
The amount of time I wasted asking myself, 'Why? What did I do wrong?' and then I snapped. I started to hurting myself to try and release my pain.
Arynia: Oh, for the love of - your boyfriend cheated on you! It was sad, it was a betrayal of your trust, and you have every right to be angry over it - but Hermione Granger, cutting herself over something like that? That is not her character, and for all the impact that she self-harmed has on the story, it might as well not be there at all. I really have no idea why self-harming is considered such a trendy accessory for Sues to tote in their tragic backstories, especially given the casual way it’s treated.
Then I cut major deep and I almost died. If my brothers hadn't found me I don't know what would have happened.
Arynia: You would have died, canon would have been restored, and there would have been much rejoicing.
After that I started to realize that it wasn't my fault though it still hurt. But I've come to deal with that." As Mya finished everyone found a way to entertain themselves and each other.
The two groups didn't speak to each other and hours went by then the train slowed to a stop. "Now if you excuse me I want to get out of here." Mya stood up and left the compartment. Dillon, Damien, Jasmine, Rick, and Katie looked at each other in horror as they realised that the Sue was almost inside Hogwarts then got up and hurried to get to her before the Weasleys could claim the glory of the kill.
Back in our compartment the three Gryfindor's sat there still some what in shock.
Arynia: Understandable. Encounters with Sues are terribly traumatic, especially when in the guise of fellow canon members.
They gathered their stuff think about what they were just told and ran to warn Malfoy that there was a Bitchiwitch prowling the halls. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End Chapter
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DAD-Hey what do you think? Today my slave is Kyo Shoma. My orange hair, red eyed bitch." Sigh
Arynia: I couldn’t find a mention for Kyo Shoma, but Kyo Sohma is a character in Fruit Baskets. I’m not that familiar with the manga, but the descriptions match and I suppose it’s better than pulling in another real person like Tom Felton.
Kyo- So I'm a female Inu. Huh"
DAD- No you a male Neko. And a sexy one at that." DAD leans over to kiss him.
Arynia: That Gratuitous Japanese better stay in the Author’s Notes, or we will be having words.
The couple makeout and in Bright blue letters a message appears on the wall next to them "Stay tuned”
Arynia: Well, that’s over for another chapter. See you next time, everyone!