Deora Ar Mo Chroi
I found myself walking alone today and realsed I was crying - not knowing why.
Then I looked around and saw where I was. Down the end of my road, the regular route into the village is a small roundabout that I pass on foot most days, and was the place of my grandmother's death about 3 years ago. It doesn't normally affect me, but suppose every day the reminder is there and I push it aside and keep the tears in.
She was alone with me, walking on a beautiful sunny day, - too hot for her to be out really, but for the first time in about a year! - she'd asked me to take her for a walk. Strange. Almost as if she knew. She seemed tired, but happy, until we reached the spot near the roundabout.
She leaned against the wall, just the two of us together - and her last ever words were "what's the shortest way back. Take me home. I want to go home".
Then she collapsed and had a massive cardiac arrest. The ambulance crew and a whole load of helpful bystanders were quick on scene and very helpful, but i knew it was too late.
Always - people have said: "what a great way to go. Quickly, and in the sunshine with her grandaughter alongside her" I know it's true, but i still feel like shouting "what about me!" It was awful for me. I felt/feel responsible. I took her out in the heat. I was alone with her.
What makes me feel worse is that I should have spent more time with her in her last few years. I couldn't. My mind was f**ked with anorexia and I was too self-absorbed to be a good grandaughter. I even stole some her strong pain-meds when she had a fall, and drunk some of her whiskey in my alcoholic moments. Shit, I suck.
Then I looked around and saw where I was. Down the end of my road, the regular route into the village is a small roundabout that I pass on foot most days, and was the place of my grandmother's death about 3 years ago. It doesn't normally affect me, but suppose every day the reminder is there and I push it aside and keep the tears in.
She was alone with me, walking on a beautiful sunny day, - too hot for her to be out really, but for the first time in about a year! - she'd asked me to take her for a walk. Strange. Almost as if she knew. She seemed tired, but happy, until we reached the spot near the roundabout.
She leaned against the wall, just the two of us together - and her last ever words were "what's the shortest way back. Take me home. I want to go home".
Then she collapsed and had a massive cardiac arrest. The ambulance crew and a whole load of helpful bystanders were quick on scene and very helpful, but i knew it was too late.
Always - people have said: "what a great way to go. Quickly, and in the sunshine with her grandaughter alongside her" I know it's true, but i still feel like shouting "what about me!" It was awful for me. I felt/feel responsible. I took her out in the heat. I was alone with her.
What makes me feel worse is that I should have spent more time with her in her last few years. I couldn't. My mind was f**ked with anorexia and I was too self-absorbed to be a good grandaughter. I even stole some her strong pain-meds when she had a fall, and drunk some of her whiskey in my alcoholic moments. Shit, I suck.